Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images; Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Not a hater, but...Ashton Kutcher, really? I really would have liked to see Robert Downey Jr. replace Charlie Sheen. Because I think you are the man, Ted, I would be interested in knowing your thoughts.

Dear Demi's Delite:
I actually think this is pretty cool all the way around. Hugh Grant getting the role would have been a bit too Sheen-redundant, I think, age-wise (and probably a bit personally, too). Ashton, though not much of a dramatic actor, does have good comedic timing, plus, he's not skanking out on Demi every chance he gets, a fact that's probably making CBS dance with utter glee. Makes sense on a lot of levels.

Dear Ted:
Your Vicers and real people guessers for the herpes passer are both four. Is this is a slick way of allowing us to play matching the celebrity with his Vice name? If so, I guess Leo for Seymour, Tom for Toothy, Elton for Bossy and Jeremy for Fey.

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Dear You've Lost Me:
I thought you were going to say so is it Alex Pettyfer from I Am Number Four. Which actually would have been a pretty good, crafty guess! Not him, however. Nor is it Leo, Tom, Elton and Jeremy. Interesting note: But, all four guys have other Vices. Good luck!

Dear Ted:
Why do Twilight fans have to be crazy? OK, OK, I'll give you the Nonstens who for some delusional reason still don't believe Rob & Kristen are & have been a couple for years & aren't paid by Summit to pretend to love each other. Or the TwiMoms who embarrassed the entire Twifan world on Oprah. But can you blame us for just being saps for a love story?

Dear Don't Apologize:
From one sap to another, you don't see me shying away from talking about it all, do you? Just wish the Twi-sap was better written, my only complaint. Which is where Hunger Games, comes in, of course...

Dear Ted:
I think Sally Pearlsmyth is changing up her appearance to get that ex boyfriend and the ended pregnancy out of her head. What's your opinion? Am I reading too much into this

Dear Not At All:
I'd probably do exactly the same thing, if I were her.

Dear Ted:
No question today, just a comment. The minute the Vegas herpes story broke, I thought of you. Am betting you had wind of this before it hit the press, and also betting you have a darn good idea as to who the culprit is!

Dear You Got That Right:
Really, it's kind of funny when I see a story like this break, I think, if only folks knew how damn often dirty dealings like this really go down. And for that reason, I think the case should go to trial—so people get an idea of how truly entitled these selfish stars can be. But, of course, it never will. It'll be settled, like it almost always is.

Dear Ted:
OK, I am going to give it another shot. Is Shellack Attack Rachel McAdams?

Dear Oh, No!
We love our Rachel, she's the darling babe Ryan Gosling should have held onto! Because she's not a common Hollywood climber, and would never do something so tacky as cheat on her man. Way off, babe, we're happy to report. And think far less thespian, too.

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