Blind Vice Straight Sex

Dear Ted:
My friends all assume Shellack Attack is ScarJo, but I have a feeling we are looking for someone a little less obvious (and older). So I'm going with Carmen Electra. Am I right?

Dear Catching a Two-Timer:
I'd day it would be a better idea to stick to the first strategy. Shellack's a two-timer, but don't let her get to you too. It's more obvious than it seems, really! Plus, Shellack isn't that young. Then again, neither is Carmen Electra anymore.

Dear Ted:
My guess for Shellack Attack is Halle Berry. Right????

Dear Berry No:
Sorry, no! Think less uptight.

Dear Ted:
No Met Gala gossip? Well, maybe you can answer me this: why didn't Kate Bosworth attend? She's a regular at this event, esp b/c she fancies herself a fashionista. A friend said it was work, but I have two alternatives. First, she just wasn't invited, which is embarrassing by itself. Second, she was invited, but didn't want to face Kerr-Bloom, Gwyneth & Co. (out in full force), and Karl Lagerfeld with a new Chanel piece on his arm.

Dear Fashion Police:
We filled you all in on the most important piece of gossip at the gala—Kristen Stewart looking fresh with two precious men on her arms. As for Bosworth, I think you're reading a little into the whole situation. The gal was probably to busy dealing with that hot piece of man she's got at home, Alexander Skarsgård. Pretty sure she's way over Orlando and could care less about Blake Lively being the new face of Chanel. The girl isn't that jealous and shietsy. Give her some credit!

Dear Ted:
Morning and afternoon Bitch-Back??? Anyway before you said Kristen had a thing with someone in the cast other than Rob, so was it Ashley or Nikki?

Dear Kinky:
Hold up hon! I never explicitly said K.Stew was getting with someone else on set. But, way back before there was any real chemistry with the two love birds she did have a wandering eye for someone, in our opinion, sexier than even her current bf. Now who exactly that person was and how involved that person was on set is for you all to figure out and me to yay only when it's impossible to nay. Keep thinking about it. And, you love the double dosage of bitching! Gets all of your questions answered and then some, right?  

Dear Ted:
I neither like nor dislike Katie Holmes, but please  put to rest a question I have had for a long time. Why does she smile crooked? When Victoria Beckham was her BFF, Victoria always smiled with one side of her mouth, and Katie began doing the same.  Is there some way of telling Katie politely that her crooked smile makes her look stupid? Thanks, Ted. Love your column!
Mom to Two Pups from the Pound

Dear Stupid Copy-Katie:
Love that you noticed her trying-to-hard of a smirk. So Victoria Beckham and it doesn't surprise me in the very least. Don't you remember when the two initially became BFFs Katie also chopped off her hair? Katie copy-cated Posh's ultra chic bob just as much as she forced that crooked smile we all love on Mrs. Beckham. When will these women learn to just be themselves? Starting with LeAnn, of course. 

Dear Ted:
With Nathan Lane being cast in Snow White, it instantly hit me that he would make a great Cinna. What are your thoughts?

Dear Double-Movie-Dipping:
While Lane may have that look to him, I don't think it would be fair that he could potentially work with Kristen and Jennifer Lawrence within the span of a few short months. I mean, it's got to me against some movie-making policy somewhere. I say we look for a cuter, less occupied cutie for the part.  

Dear Ted:
Does Cristiano Ronaldo have a Blind Vice?

Dear Dirty Soccer Sliding:
Nope, but he totally should be. The dude is the totally hot yet sketchy combination of a sleaze ball and god. Everyone, everyone wants on that.

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