Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon

Bryan Bedder/Getty Image; Matt Sayles/AP Photo; Gregg Dqguire/AP Images

Dear Ted:
Regarding your wish, as well as many others', for K.Stew to show her support to her fabulously sexy mate, you are forgetting one very important Queen in this game: Reese Witherspoon. Don't know why, but I highly doubt that Reese would let anyone outshine her at her movie premiere, on the red carpet. If Robsten shows up on the red carpet together, or a few feet apart, it would bring mayhem to the show! Of course, it could peak interest in the movie, but mark my words, Ms Witherspoon would never let anyone steal her thunder. What say you, H-Town-know-it-all?

Dear Smart Stuff:
I'd say you know your movie-star maneuverings pretty damn well, save two facts: Reese just hot hitched again, she's in a bit better mood than usual, and, that other major star of the flick, Robert Pattison, hates doing everything as he's supposed to do for publicity's sake. Meaning: a surprise appearance by an R.Pattz pal on Queen Reese's carpet would not be that unexpected, and I'm truly praying for it. We need more showdowns in this overly safe town!

Dear Ted:
OK, here are my guesses on your leso-trio: Cookie Muncher=Brooklyn Decker, Sheila Horn E.=Chelsea Handler, Butter Pussy=Fergie. Am I close on any of these?

Dear Sexy Threesome :
Wow, if those guesses were correct, what a lesbian troika that would be, huh? Alas, excellent as each of your hunches may be, they're ultimately wrong. Particularly the latter two (much as Chelsea is flattered by your guess, I'm sure). Think more movies, not TV, for the former, and TV, not music, for the latter.

Dear Ted:
I just saw an article about Jerry Seinfeld talking about the Royal Wedding. I don't think that a guy who dated a 17-year-old when he was almost 40, started dating his wife weeks after she came back from her honeymoon with her first husband, paid millions to buy a garage in parking deprived NYC to house his car collection, and bought a 50-million-dollar house on Long Island should be talking about how important the Prince of England's wedding is....To quote Jennifer Aniston "There's a sensitivity chip missing." Whether he's trying to be funny or not.
—Miss P

Dear Oh Calm Down:
Even those who have been creeps in the marriage department need hope, darling. Particularly them.

Dear Ted:
How much of Robert Pattinson's public persona or "image" is really him, and how much is manufactured for likeability? With all the interviews he's been doing lately, he just seems way to nice and too perfect to be true, I have a hard time believing it's not something his publicity team has created to give him a good image. Is it all just PR, or the true Rob?

Dear Good Question:
Ninety percent, I'd say. The other 10 both Rob and his peeps don't want you to know about. But, I have the feeling people will sooner than later. Nothing bad, babe!

Dear Ted:
Why must Kristen going to WFE be a make or break to their relationship? Stop being so sexist and think about how many times Rob has been to any of Kristen's premiere's and walked the red carpet....none. It takes two to tango!

Dear Tango Cop:
I've said many times that both Rob and Kristen should go out more in the open—including to each other's events. Bitching to the choir, there, love!

Dear Ted:
Hope you are well! When you said multi-talented, strikingly beautiful for Sheila Horn E., could you be referring to Anne Hathaway? It would be fun to think of her as not such a goody two shoes! I think she might enjoy it as well.

Dear Get Real:
Firstly, Anne is no striking beauty. Secondly, she doesn't date to enjoy, she dates to advance. Hope you're well, too, babe!

Dear Ted:
A few Vices have come and gone since this question was last asked........does Jennifer Anniston have a Blind Vice? She's on my radar for one of the newer ones.

Dear Jen Juice:
Yes, Jennifer has appeared in at least two Blind Vices, though, not in a starring role. Think she's too crafty for that.

Dear Ted:
Cookie Muncher = Miranda Kerr?

Dear So Close It Excites:
Considering Miranda and Cookie act about equally well, you're pretty damn on the money, just not the right babe. Think older, too.

Dear Ted:
I loved the Sheila Horn E. Blind Vice and I have my thoughts about who it might be, but for some reason, I am more intrigued with the brunette with vibrant green eyes and I feel she was the actual star of the BV. Was she just a random hottie invited for her looks or an A-lister as well? And if she's an A-lister, might she actually have a BV moniker of her own? This BV made my somewhat crappy day!

Dear Oh, Shiela:
Sorry you're having a bad day, sweets, hopefully this won't make it worse: the brunette is not a star. Just a very good-looking civilian who wasn't at all amused by the massively famous Sheila's touchy-feely come-on.

Dear Ted: 
OMG! Ted! Is Cookie Muncher Tyra Banks? Her words say no, but her "smize" say yes! (For those of you who don't watch ANTM, "smize" is what Tyra says you do when you "smile with your eyes.")
—American Non Top Model

Dear Smize Matters:
That Banks broad is just crack—no matter what comes out of her mouth. But, sorry to say, it wasn't her lips that were so busy helping another gal out at that Hollywood party. Think somebody who actually has usually lovely words to say, not just a gorgeous face and bod to show off.

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper's rumor? They didn't deny it, after all. Is he good enough for Jen Aniston?

Dear Dishy Duo:
For what Jennifer usually wants from her men? Yeah. For anything more than that? No.

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Roselyn Sanchez to play Cleopatra? She is beautiful, regal, aloof and can play very smart. My kitty Sprocket and I have read you every day for years! Curious what you think about my pick.

Dear Sprocket's Mom:
Certainly gorgeous enough. Right look and 'tude. Not sure there's enough heat around her, though? Remember, it was bigger news than the movie itself when Taylor was cast. We need that kind of palpable start to the flick, if it's going to be any good—my opinion. Like a Portman or a...Berry?

Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or does Angelina Jolie look like a ghostly stick figure in the latest photo of her and Brad at the opening of God of Carnage? Her next role could be the crypt-keeper....just sayin'.
—Iowa City Jen

Dear Midwest Stumped:
And your point is? Been screamin' that for ages!

Dear Ted:
You refer to the Desperate Housewives as spoiled divas. What about Felicity Huffman? Do you include her in that? Between Sports Night and Transamerica, I heart her so hard! Maybe between being famous and awesome, divahood is inevitable? But is she a nice diva or a nasty one?

Dear Diva Divine:
Felicity is in a class of 'tude all her own. Let's just say any dissatisfaction the babe displays on set has entirely to do with career, not curlers: she's kinda going wtf, when she's the only Oscar-nominated woman in the bunch. Suffice it to say she'd prefer to be doing more of that caliber work, less Wisteria Lane.

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