Quick, someone get John Stamos on the phone.
After months of increasingly erratic behavior and a weeklong assault on both logic and the media, Charlie Sheen's tiger blood was no match for his network's patience, with the studio behind Two and a Half Men finally, officially firing Sheen from the show.
Uh-oh. Is someone in danger of #LOSING?!
"After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen's services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately," the studio said in its one-line statement on the matter. No word on whether the show will be canceled outright or recast with another lead actor.
Sheen wasted no time in responding.
"This is very good news," he said in a statement. "They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."
Got all that? Good.
In a letter sent to Sheen and his lawyers and obtained by TMZ, Warners states: "There is ample evidence supporting Warner Bros. reasonable good faith opinion that Mr. Sheen has committed felony offenses involving moral turpitude."
The missive was delivered to Sheen earlier today informing the actor of his immediate and unsurprising termination, despite him having one year left on his contract. What with him being a man of his word and all, over the past week, Sheen had routinely vowed to be more than willing to fulfill that final year—and possibly more.
Unfortunately, in many of the same breaths, he also told the nation that while he was willing to go back to work, he would only do so if the studio gave him a $1 million raise, bringing his total payment per episode up to a hefty $3 million.
Which couldn't have helped his bargaining abilities. Then again, neither could his lengthy attack on showrunner Chuck Lorre. Or his insistence on being a Vatican warlock assassin. Or his blind belief that he's in a constant state of #WINNING. Or…you get the point.
Guess this means there'll be more where Sheen's Korner came from.
(Originally published March 7, 2011, at 1:58 p.m. PT)