Joe Jonas, Kevin Jonas, Nick Jonas

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Dear Ted:
What's the word on Nick Jonas' romance with Samantha Barks? Is that long-distance relaysh still going strong, and do you do have high hopes for the younger Jo Bro to stick with this particular romance?

Dear Brotherly Love:
Nick and Sam are still going strong, I am very sorry to say. Doesn't Miley Cyrus know that Nick was her one chance at having in semblance of a decent love life? Now, it'll just be an endless parade of good-looking opportunists for the babe. But as to Nick and Samantha, it's looking good, like I said, especially now that the youngest Jo Bro's ex, Selena Gomez, has been spotted loving on Justin Bieber. As for Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene? I totally hope this romance lasts! Certainly looks like it by the way Ash gushed over her beau in her recent Teen Vogue interview. Oh the joys of young Hollywood love.

Dear Ted:
Marley the wonder dog (adopted, she is!) was wondering about the Viceness of the British royal family—any good bones to gnaw?

Dear Behind Closed Castles:
One of the reasons we love Kate and William is that they truly are as down-to-earth as they seem. Other than Wills being a total horn-dog before he settled down with Kate, at this juncture, the couple are virtually Vice-free. But, everybody else in the clan? Oh man, Edward, Andrew, their father, Fergie, Camilla, Charles—the whole clan's really quite debauched, but totally in an English way, i.e., through a lot of bad, clenched teeth.

Dear Ted:
My adopted kitties and I were wondering if Summit realizes that by locking down the Breaking Dawn set how bored they are making their fanbase? The behind-the-scenes gossip is the reason fans are so interested in the first place.

Dear Break-in to Breaking Dawn:
We couldn't agree with you more! Although the lockdown on set is generating quite the buzz, we are itching for updates. Clearly, Summit does not realize the wrath of you Twi-hards.

Dear Ted:
Big doggy smooches to you on Valentine's Day! We'll be celebrating with our rescue dog with lots of doggy treats. Awards season has got me thinking: Are we more likely to find King Schlong at the Grammy's or the Oscar's?

Dear Smooch Sender:
Well, you sure didn't see him Sunday night, and chances are, you'll see him at the Academy Awards. Even though Oscar's never been very kind to King, and this fact has long bugged him.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if you would give a hint to Ashlee Simpson's and/or Pete Wentz's Blind Vices since you said hers had to do with their breakup.

Dear Det. Divorce:
Well, let's just say neither party (particularly her) has been engaging in habits that would help solidify a fairly new marriage.

Dear Ted:
Please don't say "man and wife" as you did in your comment about Ashlee Simpson. That is so sexist—the man remains a man, the woman turns into an extension of him, his wife. You're better than that.

Dear Good Point:
It's a stupid turn of phrase, and it's officially retired from my vocabulary, thanks.

Dear Ted:
Happy Valentine's Day! Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin—did we ever find out why their relationship ended? I mean something had to have happened.

Dear Kunis Curious:
The bad news here is that both Mila and Macaulay are atypical stars, meaning they don't have the usual bevy of Hollywood hangers-on gossiping about them behind their backs. Their friends are very tight-lipped about what happened, only to say that they were "shocked" about the breakup. But suffice it to say the end of the relationship had a fair amount to do with the fact that Mila's career is red-hot, and Macaulay's is ice-cold. Few couples survive odds like that.

Dear Ted:
How do you know that Nevis and Barrington are really banging? Is it that crazy to think they may be close buds? If you ask us to understand how Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner can be BFFs with no sexual thing going on, despite the fact they hang out a lot, then why are you so sure Barrington and Nevis are anything more than buds? Even if they once dated in the past, that doesn't guarantee they're bumping uglies now.

Dear Bisexual Cop:
Taylor and Kristen have absolutely nothing to do with Nevis and Barrington; it's a comparison that simply does not work, if for no other reason than Taylor and Kristen never have—and never will have—sex. Unlike Nevis and Barrington, who get together when they feel like it. It's not an unusual situation, straight people (who are also friends), do it all the time, chill out.

Dear Ted:
You've said recently that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki have become a little boring for your tastes. I was just wondering whether some of the comments made at this weekend's Supernatural Convention in L.A. might change your mind? Jensen made a comment (joke?) about sleeping with a Supernatural castmember. According to reports, there was an awkward beat before Jared jumped in to explain that Jensen was referring to himself. Seems a little suspicious to me. Your thoughts?

Dear Get Real:
We all know Jensen wasn't referring to himself. But even still, it's gonna take a whole lot more than that to get me supernaturally excited about these guys again.

Dear Ted:
Dentist waiting rooms are very useful for rehashing old gossip. Can you take my mind off the pain of this very large bill by saying if Claire Danes, Billy Crudup or Mary-Louise Parker have ever been B.V.s?

Dear Are You Kidding:
Mary-Louise was about to give birth to Billy Crudup's child when he left her for Claire Danes, who encouraged the whole thing, and they all admitted it! What about that needs to be veiled in a Blind Vice for heaven's sake?

Dear Ted:
I didn't watch the Grammys, but I saw what Miley Cyrus wore and I thought not only did she look hot, her dress and accessories were just fabulous. What was your take? And I also saw a picture of LeAnn Rimes. I mean, seriously, Ted, you can't make us truly believe that when celebrities have these rock-hard bodies, it's pure exercise.

Dear Whatever:
Yes, they all want you to seriously believe that. And obviously, LeAnn's never going to tell us what actually caused the dramatic change in her bod, but it's safe to say she's terrified her man Eddie is going to do to her exactly what he did to her first wife, i.e., abandon her. Why else go to all these extreme tinkerings?

Dear Ted:
What's going on with Fake à la Ferocity? I keep thinking that she and her man-bitch are going to break up, but then they never do. Are they happy now, or are they together because they make more money that way than they do as a couple of singles? They're extremely annoying, either way.

Dear Mean Person:
Leave Fake à la alone! Our heroin-addicted, man-crushing girlfriend is going to need all the support she can get when the movie offers stop coming, which will be very soon (the way she's ravaging her body). Unless it's playing Miley Cyrus' grandmother.

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