Nicole Kidman, Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams, Amy Adams

Steve Granitz/WireImage; Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Steve Granitz/WireImage; Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
So now the Oscar noms are out, my guess is that there are three B.V.s among the acting nominees, am I right? Or are there more? And would it be out of the question for you to tell us at least one B.V. name who is in the running?

Dear Oscar Worthy or Vicey:
three, you are quite correct, how pathetically disappointing! Although there are one or two more potential candidates, for sure. And just because the Oscars always put me in such a fabulously gay mood, maybe I'll reveal one Oscar Vice contender: Could Sheila Slurp-Never possibly be on this list?

Dear Ted:
Are you sure Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev aren't dating? Because it seems they celebrated Christmas and New Year's together.

Dear Vampire Sucker:
This on-set romance has been buzzing since the show started a year or so back. Officially, no, they aren't dating, but with all that time together, maybe they will finally just come to their sucking senses and realize costars are lovers, too! But then again, unless it's Robsten or some skanky Skarsgård nonsense, I'm never exactly certain about vampire business.

Dear Ted:
Is Cruella St. Shackles Demi Moore? Also, why the hell is she texting Miley Cyrus? She's trying way too hard to hold onto her youth. It's embarrassing. Also, if Natalie Portman wins Best Actress, do you think the Oscar "curse" will end? Her relationship seems good, but this is Hollywood.

Dear Hopeless in Hollywood:
Demi is one stellar guess, no doubt. She totally wishes she was half her age, but what can you do? Well, aside from get some more work done. Her daughter Rumor is BFFs with Cyrus, so there's no surprise she might slip her a text here and there. Not exactly Vicey if you ask me! As for Natalie, let's hope so. That grueling Black Swan filming was curse enough. We love her and her baby already!

Dear Ted:
You are so on point regarding Keith Olbermann and Ricky Gervais. Sarah Palin can go around talking about shooting and targeting folks by placing their congressional districts in crosshairs and she's still on the air spewing her hate. Not to mention Glenn Beck talking about shooting people in the head and they're getting away with it every day. It disgusts me and I'm sure you. Ricky, yes, made me wince at times, but he was hilarious. Keith pointed out the lies night after night. He wasn't just saying words, he put the evidence/documentation in front of us to see it for ourselves. It's a shame what's going on, and I'm glad you pointed it out. It'll be a few months but I'm sure we'll see Keith least I'm hoping so.

Dear Politically Correct:
Glad to see someone else finds my politics to be far from antics! Please, we all love our opinionated journos on TV, but only if they have some viable support to back up their crap, and they aren't just looking to rile up the impressionable. Funny how none of those conservatives are getting the boot lately, no? Freedom of speech? Psh, only if you fall to the right—in all the wrong ways.  

Dear Ted:
Wondering about King Schlong—please say it isn't Caleb Followill. I know he's got a bit of an attitude, but I don't think he's in a high-profile relationship.

Dear Schlong Lovin':
Uh, no. Hope that helps you sleep at night! Give the King a little more credit. Believe me, this guy is not overcompensating for anything.

Dear Ted:
You haven't had much to say about Danneel Harris lately. Is everything OK with her? I haven't seen anything about her NBC show airing, and she was just at the premiere of her new movie looking great, but without her best accessory, her handsome husband. So please throw me and my puppies a tidbit of info about what is going on with her?
LA Girl

Dear Deal With It:
Yes, Danneel looked fab at the premiere of The Roommate, but we're guessing her hubs, Jensen Ackles, was probably busy shooting his show...or something. They seem totally fine and boring, sorry someone has to remind you. But can say I'm shocked that the CW coupling isn't ending in a sad divorce—a curse is a curse, after all. Huh, Sofia Bush?  

Dear Ted:
No question, just to say I like your attitude. I'm from Puerto Rico, and I get a kick out of you. God Bless.

Dear Kicking It:
Thanks for the love! Talk about a breath of fresh ass-kissing air, what with all these recent attacks here and there from Gleeks and Twi-freaks on the message boards. Kisses, doll!

Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong's woman a superstar in her own right? And how about that party hoochie he tapped on the side—is she a household name or just a star effer?

Dear Large 'n' in Charge:
Schlong likes his women long and beautiful, just like him, if you know what I mean. All his female friends and benefits are superstars—as for those on the side who really cares. They're only temporary anyway.

Dear Ted:
Read a comment that suggested Leighton Meester banned Garrett Hedlund questions at her premiere Roommate?

Dear Country Wrong:
From the looks of Leighton's red carpet answers, the chick is playing it sly ‘n' single for now. She seemed so cozy with Mr. Hedlund Globes night, but it may have just been some postmovie flirting. Too bad! We thought they would make one beautiful couple, but who knows with this gossip girl. If Blair's love life is any reflection of her romance reality, Garrett could be back in no time.

Dear Ted:
For some reason I think Cruella St. Shackles is Oprah Winfrey. She has been in the news lately with the whole "me and Gayle aren't lesbians" and having to "defend" her relationship with Steadman and now she is in the news about her shocking family secret.

Dear O No:
You think we would really go after the Big O? I mean, it's a really good guess on your part, but Winfrey is definitely not this devilish.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to test my sleuth skills and see how on point I am. Princess Powderpuff, Lucretia Johnson, Lorin Snifflepuss—is that the correct order from youngest to oldest of some of my favorite Vicey stars?

Dear Ageless When Vicey:
Get to reworking that list, hon!

Dear Ted:
Is Christina Aguilera's Blind Vice remotely relevant to the present? Have you even uttered her B.V. name in print within the last two years?

Dear Xtina-Rated:
Would love to say I've uttered some private deets about this babette on the reg, but as of late, her dirty laundry is out for the world to sniff around in. Still, I'm no too worried since her Vicey escapades always make a comeback.

Dear Ted:
I am sure nothing shocks you since you have seen or heard it all in this town of freaks, but can you tell me, in this last year has there been one Blind Vicer with behavior so shocking or bad that it has caused a physical or emotional reaction for you? Tell me who--I want to know if mine is the same:) XOXO

Dear Shocked:
Like, all of the above Blind Vicers, obviously. There is, however, a special hole in my heart that dies over and over again every time Toothy decided to make a dumb-ass decision.

Dear Ted:
I saw a really sweet picture today of Orlando Bloom and his new son. I wonder if he's ever been a Blind Vice. If so, is it a currently active Blind Vice? Murph and I are staying indoors today. It's in the single digits outside and extremely cold, ice and snow hurts the pads of his paws. We hope you're nice and warm where you are.

Dear Shivering Snow Bunnies:
Definitely saw the pic too, and Bloom looks like a blushing daddy. We love it. He might not have always had some squeaky-clean paws (like you and your adorable pup), as Orlando is a Vice superstar from years back, but he seems to be shaping, as of late. Damn!

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