Jake Gyllenhaal

Rick Rowell/ABC

Dear Ted:
I am beginning to think that Jake Gyllenhaal's PR team is pretty smart! If Taylor Swift does indeed write a song about him, people will be talking about that short-lived relationship for years to come! That would tend to reduce any rumors about his sexuality. Honestly, I think that is why John Mayer got involved with her, too. You know he couldn't wait to hear people gossiping about his song!

Dear Foxy:
I was with ya till the John Mayer thing. That dude befriended Swift for only one reason: He's a total slut-bag, regardless how far (or not) he got with Taylor. And yes, Jake's team is on a par with Tom Cruise's team—the one before couch-gate, that is.

Dear Ted:
What do you mean you think Sandy Bullock and Ryan Gosling would be hot? They dated while/after making Murder by Numbers! You did, of course, see the pictures of him grabbing her butt and them kissing on a balcony while they were promoting the movie, didn't you?

Dear Ry Redux:
Yes, Sandra made sure we all saw those pics. And forgive me for not saying Gosling and Bullock would be hot again. Could have sworn I did.

Dear Ted:
It appears Scientology is fighting hard to maintain its grip on John Travolta and his moola. I live close to the Travoltas and have a vacation place in Clearwater, Fla., where one of our neighbors is the person in charge of establishing a church of Scientology in Ocala, specifically to service John. It should be up and running any time now. By the way, he and Kelly Preston are absolutely beloved here and give a ton of time and money to local charities, so I wish them both only the best (although I could do without the Scientologists moving in). Oh, and I saw Kirstie Alley a couple of weeks ago at a local pizza parlor in Clearwater, and she looked fantastic! She was really low-key, just enjoying her evening, not trying to stand out.

Dear Desk Clearwater:
Thanks for the update, babe. You have carte blanche to check in anytime you feel like it.

Dear Ted:
I am a Midwestern girl, and my dream is to go to Hollywood and be famous. I have no famous relatives. What are my odds? How did you become famous?

Dear Novice:
First, I am infamous, not famous. But if you're willing to make a sex tape with anybody remotely famous and then tweet about it (preferably in bad English with copious misspellings), doesn't matter that you have no famous relatives!

Dear Ted:
I was wondering your thoughts on the new Beckham baby news? Isn't one or both of the Beckhams a B.V.? Love from my three rescue dogs.

Dear Stork-Struck:
I'm ecstatic. Have you seen those Beckham kids? They're gorgeous—one more sure won't hurt. And yes, both parents are busy Vicers. Glad they calmed down long enough to do a little procreating!

Dear Ted:
I have one question that has interested me for a while. Have any of Super-Duper Cooper's famous exes ever participated in his dirty behavior? That really would be scandalous!

Dear Smells Squishy:
Yes, and it was. Very.

Dear Ted:
It's been a while since you have mentioned Shafterella Shoshstein. I was wondering if she is still seeing the ladies, and if so, does her significant other know or care?
Eve, N

Dear Bye-Bye Bi:
No, she's not. She's doing the straight thing right now, but yes, he so knows all about Shafty's time with the chicks. He's pathetically titillated by it, just like Brad.

Dear Ted:
If a person loves only one person, and plans to love them for their whole life and that person is of the same sex, does that automatically make them gay? I ask because I'm wondering if Oprah Winfrey is using that as a loophole.

Dear Fine Line:
Loophole? This is somebody's sex life, not a tax return! Unfortunately, Oprah doesn't realize this fact.

Dear Ted:
You agreed with the James Franco interview and comments on sexuality being fluid. That may be true in Hollywood where everyone is narcissistic and on drugs, or willing to do anything for a job—even have sex with someone you don't really want to. The rest of the world isn't so "fluid." We have 9 to 5 jobs that we need to be alert for and can't spend every night in drug-fueled orgies. And on weekends, we know if we are gay or straight.

Dear Not So Fast:
Check with your colleagues at the local Bowl ‘n' Brew. At least one of ‘em's in the restroom with somebody they shouldn't be.

Dear Ted:
I bet you've been flooded with emails about this, but what's the scoop on the rumor about Kristen Stewart dumping Robert Pattinson? Sounds like BS to me, but I was wondering if you've done some digging into the truth behind the rumor.

Dear Here We Go Again:
I addressed this in last week's mail batch. It's true. Kristen has left Rob for Taylor Lautner. They're expecting quintuplets.

Dear Ted:
Has Terry Tush-Trade ever hooked up with any other Blind Vicer of the same sex?

Dear Bi-Sex on the Brain:

Dear Ted:
Kristen Stewart is pretty. Her parents are Hollywood folk. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and rented all of her movies when she was cast as Bella, hoping that what I had seen of her had been my bad interpretation of her. Turns out I really just don't get her. Why does every character twitch and stutter and blink like they're having a seizure? I tried really hard, but I find myself thinking about paint drying and how much fun it would be to get a root canal when she is onscreen. Can you help me like her or at least understand why she is so popular?

Dear What's the Point:
That would be a waste of time as it's obvious you already like her. All her movies? Join a Krisbian club, already.

Dear Ted:
Does Tom Sturridge have a B.V.? Does he know somebody who has a B.V.?

Dear I'll Bite:
Yes and very well.

Dear Ted:
Is miss crack is whack Whitney Houston our beloved Coco Crackhead?

Dear Wrong Generation:
Back up a few years, babe. A lot of  ‘em!

Dear Ted:
Maybe I'm just being cynical, but it seems as if the actresses getting Oscar buzz are making grabs for press coverage of late—digging up past history or personal sagas. Nicole Kidman talking about her adopted kids not wanting to live with her and how she hardly sees them; Gwyneth Paltrow talking about Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck; Michelle Williams talking Heath Ledger; Natalie Portman suddenly announcing she's pregnant and engaged. Only Annette Bening seems to be keeping her mouth shut about her personal life (and sadly, it will likely cost her the coveted statue). Is Hollywood really this low? Anything to get an Oscar?

Dear Sympathy for the Devils:
It ain't over till the emaciated lady sings, honey (those tricks don't always work). Bening's not out yet, but it's quite possible—and likely—Portman will rob her of her latest much-deserved Oscar.

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