Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens

Jordan Strauss/

Dear Ted:
Kinda think you aren't très surprised over the demise of Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron...Though you are strangely mute on the subject. It even made the CNN ticker! What's the real story? I hardly think you are out of the loop. And thanks for being classy with your gossip...keeps me from feeling too dirty while I peruse your column!

Dear Zorry Zanessa:
Babe, what makes you think I haven't already told you the real scoop? You clearly are digging the wrong section, babe. It's filed under Blind Vice. And for the record, I think they will end up back together at some point.

Dear Ted:
Just read that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are divorcing. Might his Vicey habit(s) be partially responsible for the split?

Dear Dexter Dunzo:
Well aren't you a little detective yourself! That would be yes. More to come. And I don't mean in a Blind Vice this time, either.

Dear Ted:
I am in complete agreement with you on evil Michael Vick. Something is seriously wrong with someone that can abuse an animal, over and over, hearing that animal cry out in pain. I don't care how he was raised. In his heart and soul, he should have known better. Disgusting.

Dear Puppy Love:
Glad someone else besides me is giving the animals a voice!

Dear Ted:
Wow, Ted, really? I just read your response about Michael Vick and...weak! Do you know him personally? Have you interviewed him? Do you have a polygraph that can gauge his sincerity? You are so judgmental. He paid his debt to society and I, for one, am rooting for him. People need to see that there are second chances, that not all hope is lost. And you say that he only changed to save his ass? How about all your closeted gays that you "heart" so much that stay in the closet to save theirs? It's not your place to judge other people. Hypocrite!

Dear Dirty Defender:
Hollywood is a game about money and ego. People enter into this world—and exit it—on their own accord. The animals Vick repeatedly, and cruelly, forced into his sadistic, lethal world did not have this choice. And I don't believe he's truly sorry for what he did. How many times do I have to write this?

Dear Ted:
I've been a long time fan of Dexter. I think the addition of Julia Stiles to the last few episodes was a stroke of brilliance; however, on the heels of a divorce announcement, I have to ask, what the heck went wrong with costars Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter? My very first gaydar impression of Jen was that she was in fact gay. Granted, of course I could be dead wrong, but it seems the pair was mismatched from the start. Thoughts?

Dear Wrongdar:
Whoa, babe, totally dig how creative your mind is, but if you think Julia and Jen might be the real-life couple here then you are way off. Tune that gaydar fast—it's pointing you in all kinds of wrong directions!

Dear Ted:
Is Coco Crack-Head Amy Poehler? I hate to think it, since (a) she's a fairly new mom, and (b) I love Will Arnett to death. Yay or nay?

Dear Nay:
You can nix any SNL staple as Coco, hon.

Dear Ted:
My original guess for Butter Pussy was Queen Latifah, but after the last B.V., she doesn't seem to fit. Any more clues? Also, how's Jackie Bouffant doing these days?

Dear Vicealicious:
You are correct when thinking Butter is multifaceted. Oh, and Jackie is doing fabosh! He's as happy as any young, gorgeous, totally horny dude can be. He's transformed his sexual confusion into, well, just sex with whoever he damn feels like! Not terribly unhealthy, for now.

Dear Ted:
I remember you saying Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens would outlast Robsten. What do you have to say to the breaking up news while Robsten still going strong?

Dear Gruesome Twosome:
That I'm like everybody else. I can be wrong on occasion. But keep in mind, I have a strong feeling we may have not see the last of Zac and Vanessa's time together.

Dear Ted:
What is up with Christina Aguilera? I know she's going through a divorce, but she has been looking rough lately. Please tell me she not going the Britney Spears route circa 2007 after she divorced her loser ex-hubby. It would be a shame if Xtina goes crazy considering she has been the more stable pop singer through out her career, not to mention she actually has talent. Hope she bounces back and release more music in the future.

Dear Tomato Tomato:
Unfortunately, the Britney route is the depressed route, and Christina doesn't seem too far off track. Going through a divorce is always tough, especially when you're a celeb with a so-so movie and not-too-hot album, either. Here's hoping C.A. doesn't party her pain away.

Dear Ted:
So what's the deal with Cameron Diaz? There are all these pictures of her and Alex Rodriguez smooching, but the next day there's pictures of him with a new girl. What gives? I'm sure she sees them. Is she just acting blind or do they have some sort of friends with benefits type of thing?
Just Wondering

Dear Bad Boy Club:
What can I say, horny habits die hard? Alex is not one for monogamy, and you know what, Cammy isn't always, either! That's why we friggin' love the girl. We just hope Diaz realizes she could be flung from much hotter studs. It's time to ditch Stray-Rod and explore elsewhere sweetheart. Maybe give Justin Timberlake another try? Heaven knows that stud could use the love heat.

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