Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, The Tourist

Columbia Pictures

Dear Ted:
An Angelina Jolie-Johnny Depp film should have been monumental and not embarrassing. Was Jolie turned off by Johnny and his bloated, messy appearance? I know I was.
—Curious Cat

Dear Star Wars:
Way harsh, C. But Johnny has definitely looked better. Here are my two cents on why the flick bombed: no press. Sure, they did a bit, but both of them relied too much on name appeal, thinking they've got more clout than they do (shocker!). Plus, they picked a weak vehicle for their mucho anticipated meeting. Shots of Jolie looking semi-skeletal and Johnny embarrassingly hamming it up? No thanks.

Dear Ted:
I know Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are good friends, but is there anything more going on there? I was surprised to see the media label them as "dating" and wondered if there was an ulterior motive—like publicity?

Dear Pint Sized Power Couple:
Those two play cutesy, sure, and Selena loves toying with the media on who exactly she's dating, but these two are not serious at all. Selena may grab headlines, but we hear she prefers her guys out of the limelight. Whoa! Are we sure she's really a Disney darling?

Dear Ted:
Your reaction to Ed O'Neill‘s (mis)quote regarding Jane Lynch's Emmy-win was very strong and aggressive. Sure, when the quote hit the blogosphere, we all did a little eye roll at his unwarranted whining, but you seem to have a bone to pick with him that goes far deeper than this silly PR snafu. Is he the subject of some ultra-seedy B.V. that ruffles your feathers? What gives?
—Jenny W

Dear Public Lynching:
Nope, no B.V. for Ed. I agree that Sofia Vergara definitely could have nabbed the award too, but I think the way he went about saying it was totally douchey. So why not call him out for it? It's not like he has really apologized anyway.

Dear Ted:
I had a weird guess for Butter Pussy pop into my head just now...I thought, well, it's worth a shot! Is Butter Pussy the sourpuss Jessica Biel?

Dear Buttered Up:
Interesting guess, but Butter is way less glamorous than boring old Biel. But more exciting, at least as far as juicy goss goes.

Dear Ted:
Are Jerry Rock-Butt and Brock Rock-Bun's related in some way, or do they have something in common (besides a nice booty)? Their similar monikers got me wondering. By they way, thanks for all the work you do promoting animal rescue. It's a great cause! My rescue kitty, Cleo, says hello!

Dear B.V. Family Tree:
No relaysh between these two strapping studs except that they both have tight tooshes and a plethora of secrets hidden away in their naughty little closets. Brock's being more damning, of course. What a fab feline name, by the way!

Dear Ted:
Is Coco Crack-Head Jenna Fischer? I hope not! Jenna seems so sweet and down-to-earth. I love her blogs on MySpace. She's the only reason my MySpace account is open. If Jenna isn't Coco, has she ever been a B.V?

Dear Bathroom Stall Babe:
Don't delete your MySpace account just yet—even though, uh, maybe you should anyway. But Jenna is not our not-so-secretive sniffer. Very good guess though.

Dear Ted:
Does Paul Rudd have a B.V.? Could he be Nevis Divine? Thanks.

Dear I Love You, Vice:
No and no. How dare you accuse our sweetie Paul of being up to no good! He's damn near perfect, don't you know?

Dear Ted:
You know I'm a fan of yours but I have to call you out. Everyone has an opinion but for you to show a hate and degrading someone's total character for making a mistake is wrong. How can you say outright that Michael Vick is not a "good man"? He made a mistake. He was raised up in an environment that thought dog fighting was OK, like riding a bike. He found out it was wrong. He's paid more for doing what he did than some murders get for killing human beings. I'm sorry but to take the man's life away for time in jail, property and assets for dogs is ridiculous. He's paid more than his price. He has totally changed his life around. He has been totally active with the children locally in Philadelphia teaching them what he did was wrong. He's admitted what he did was wrong unlike Wesley Snipes who still hasn't admitted his crimes yet. Calling Vick a bad person now is just wrong. He made a huge mistake and has paid for it. How is he not good now? Enough is enough with the public lynching.

Dear Blah Blah Blah:
Two things: You're actually putting tax evasion and the sadistic (repeated) treatment of animals on the same level? Secondly, Vick changed to save his ass, period.

Dear Ted:
All snowed in and have time on my hands. Just wondering if when Terry Tush-Trade was being scolded by the suits for image cleanup way back when, did any costars step in to help?
—Weathering the Storm

Dear Trading Spaces:
Not sure exactly what you mean, babe, but I'm going to go with no. Sure, having that "we're a family" excuse with the cast to paint a pretty tabloid picture helped, but TTT is smart and takes this biz very seriously.

Dear Ted:
Amber Heard
came out as a lesbian. Was she a Blind Vice?

Dear Heard Ya:
Nope. Kudos to her though. We need more out-and-proud members of Young Hollywood. Doesn't hurt if they're hot either.

Dear Ted:
Has Darla Jones been up to anything Vicey lately? I find it hard to believe she let her self be duped enough by Tobey Yum-Yum to sleep with him and hasn't gotten into trouble since! Let us know what's up behind this girl's sugary-sweet smile! Oh, and do you think she'll have a good career, or is she too (publicly) boring?

Dear Jonesing for Juice:
Hate to break it to you, but while Dar may cause an eyebrow to raise from time to time, she's kept it relatively clean since that Yum-my fiasco. Maybe she learned her lesson? Or maybe she's just better at keeping her secrets, well, secret.

Dear Ted:
Did you not see Brad Pitt on Oprah (2004) professing his undying love for Jennifer Aniston and how anxious he was to have a family. Jen was on Oprah a week later, and said "No, no, no no, no, no, no!" Brad asked for a divorce right after that. He went back to the Mr. & Mrs. Smith set a couple of months later, and being free, got involved with Angelina. When this happened, you told the story differently...accurately. Now you need to lie and twist the truth. He never would have married Jen if he knew she would not have kids! Jennifer Aniston is responsible for the end of her marriage.

Dear Pitting It All on Jen:
Whatever, sweetie. Believe whatever you want to believe, but I'll just tell you your facts are a bit out of whack. Classy of you to blame it all on Jen. But I'm sure you'll just say I'm kissing her ass.

Dear Ted:
I want to know how the breakup with Nikki Reed happened. Some reports say that it was over an argument Nikki and Kristen Stewart got into, where Nikki was shouting at Kristen over her breaking up with Michael Angarano and Robert Pattinson came in and got angry at her, and that was when the rift happened. Any truth to this?
—Love To Read

Dear Twilight Zone:
How deliciously dramatic, but the real sitch was nothing like this. I mean, you have to be going out to break up, yes? As for Kris and Nikki, it is safe to say their super close friendship didn't survive the power of Robsten.

Dear Ted:
I like the Robsten updates enough, but when will the real gossip from the Breaking Dawn set come out? I need my B.V. fix with a Terry Tush-Trade or a Twyla update.

Dear Vice Hold:
Soon, I can feel it! There's nothing to report on Twyla. The reports speak for themselves, do they not?

MORE: Dig for Blind Vice clues right here in the Bitch-Back section!

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