Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

AP Photo

Dear Ted:
How dare she! I am seething mad at Reese Witherspoon dissing her ex again in order to make herself and her movie relevant: Dating a non-actor is better? Well duh, a non-star only sees stars, no matter how vicious and self-involved they are, and will sacrifice his needs for his movie star girlfriend. Am I wrong in this, or did the headline make you gag as well? Hasn't she done enough to Jakey? And why is he being such a gentleman—he never uttered one bad word about Reese when she surprisingly and quite cavalierly dumped him for her agent. Even if he has more, and may I say better, movies to promote.

Dear Spoon-Fed:
You know I love the chance to point out how downright dastardly Reese can be, and—while a bit gag-worthy—this is one of her less malicious media maneuvers. I agree with her too: She is better off dating a dude out of the limelight. It leaves all the attention for her, right? As for Jake, well, he knows there's no perks in pissing off his ex.

Dear Ted:
Does the married costar's wife know about his affair with Veronica Bee-Sting? If so, are they working it out, or ignoring it for the sake of press like Cruella St. Shackles? And was Veronica's affair physical or emotional? I'm guessing physical, but you never know...

Dear Honeycomb Humpin':
Don't jump to double D-cup assumptions, Anna. I said that I thought V would go BV if her costar flirting crossed the line. But so far it hasn't as far as I know. Veronica is all about teasing married men but never letting get any of her surgically-enhanced goodies.

Dear Ted:
I totally heart Sophia Bush and Austin Nichols for their do-gooder ways. They are excellent role models for my kids. Does Austin have any kids of his own? Love ya lots.

Dear Hero Havic:
Nope—why would you think that? But kudos again to Soph and Austin. While I may think they're über-boring in the bedroom department, they both are way into helping gulf efforts. And, ya know, talking about it every chance they get.

Dear Ted:
You've said that Toothy Tile doesn't plan on coming out ever, even though he once wanted to. Does that mean he's gonna go all the way and have a fake marriage and kids? Did he change his mind because he hasn't had a hit in a few years (well, ever)? If he had a real and undeniable hit, would he give coming out another chance? Thanks.
—Rooting for T2

Dear T2 Peek-a-Boo:
At one point I'd have said he'd never swap fakey "I dos" but it's looking more and more like that might be exactly what his game plan is. And it's got nothing to do with hits: Tooth has had 'em.

Dear Ted:
Did you see Ben Affleck on Ellen the other day? He said that he lets wife Jennifer Garner do all the holiday shopping and that he buys her gifts at CVS! Maybe I'm overreacting, but Ben just descended a few notches in my book. Why does Jennifer stick around? Ben seems like a jerk.

Dear Picture Perfect:
Trust, they're both more than content with their sitch. And Jen's got all the power, that's why she sticks around. Don't forget that.

Dear Ted:
If Chiquita is who I think she is? This chick has got to be stopped! Long story short, I always knew the power of the p-u-s-s-y was strong, but damn! Is it likely she'll continue to get her way on the show?

Dear Vag-Trap:
Yep, she's definitely getting everything she wants lately. Well, almost everything: the costar she wants kicked off ain't leaving anytime soon, but that hardly matters with how much attention Chic is getting on and off screen.

Dear Ted:
This is my first time writing to you but I think I've figured out who Maribeth Bush is: Could it possibly be Elisabeth Moss? Not to sound too cocky but I'm pretty sure I got this...PS I totally love you, keep up the good work!
—xx yas

Dear Bushy Blues:
Looks like you're in for an ego-check, doll, cause Elisabeth isn't our demanding diva. Think less honored—Maribeth would probably kill for a guest stink on Mad Men.

Dear Ted:
I think Brad Pitt often looks sad in photos taken of him. If so, why do you think that would be?

Dear Beaten Up Brad:
While it's my instinct to say blame it on the wifey, he may just be a big baby. The non-stop photo pouting is getting excessive. No denying he's prob just trying to steal some camera time away from that vain (or should we say vein-y) woman of his and pack of pint-sized cutie patooties!

Dear Ted:
So your source caught Miley chain smoking, where's the proof? I hope this person is not just saying it cause she's famous to get a buck...When you guys publish something to the public we want some proof. I love E! Online but lately my friends and I just getting tired you guys keep on publishing about famous young stars especially Ms. Cyrus. Normally the media is the one who give nervous breakdown, they have feelings, it doesn't mean you can pick on her. We should help this teens stars in the right way, isn't it called bullying when you keep on putting her down? I like all of them and sometimes, I think the media pick on her the most. Thank you...

Dear Where There's Smoke:
Listen, it's called gossip, babe. Feel free to be cynical but no one is getting paid to air out Miley's naughty laundry. She does that all on her own—and don't even get me started on those rumored camera pics that hit the web. Love the gal, but goss is goss.

Dear Ted:
Please help me rest easy. Though it would be a miracle to buck all the rumors about Pepper Harthman, am I correct to think that this guy is an oversized jerk, despite any sainted family he may come from?
—Miss Titanic Fan

Dear Harth-Man Up:
Yes, he is a mega-douche. Sleep well!

Dear Ted:
Are MTV's Teen Moms big enough "celebrities" to have their own BV?

Dear Pass the Pacifier:
You must be kidding. You think Team Truth would settle on some wannabe Kate Gosselin mini-mamas? Sure, that Amber chick is way cuckoo crazy (even giving K.G. a run for her money), but I'm not about to give those attention whores any more disgusting press. Not until they give some attention to uh...their kids.

Dear Ted:
I know the Gossip Girl talk of the town these days is all about Serena, why not give Blair a little love? Has one Leighton Meester ever been a Blind Vice? My new rescue pup Gus just needs to know! He's Team Blair all the way.

Dear Queen B(V):
Sorry, goss hound, but the Vice world—much like the upper east side—is Blake Lively's turf.

Dear Ted:
You are truly a piece of work with your Sarah Palin obsession. Are you as afraid of other Republicans like Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich etc., who all could be running for president too, as you are of Palin? Why is she such a target of the liberal obsession and not these other male candidates? They are just as critical of Obama and more powerful, I would argue. They also share Palin's views on most issues. Is it a woman hating thing?

Dear Hardcore Trippin':
Ms. Palin and her fellow elephants don't scare me one friggin' bit. The only reason I'm all about the feline in this rat pack is because she's totally running it. Talk about girl power—probably her only characteristic I can say I semi-dig. I'd love to see a woman Prez, just not that woman!

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