Bitch-Back! And Why Shouldn't Nikki Reed Be Happy?

Readers want to swarm on the Twilight babe

Dear Ted:
Don't you think it's a bit sad and pathetic that Nikki Reed is bragging about going to a freaking Hanson concert, while Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are being invited to the Oscars, hanging out with actual rock stars (namely Joan Jett) and being papped in South America? I mean, Hanson? Come on! Is this a joke?
—L

Dear Live Free or Twi-Hard:
What did Nikki do to you to piss you off so much, doll? And not everything between the Twi cast has to be a competition...Maybe Nik is just a fan of '90s pop. "Mmmbop" was a hit, after all. Let the gal be excited.

Dear Ted:
I was getting caught up on Toothy Tile and was shocked to find out he actually did go through with a baby. So he's got a 3-year-old, roughly, at home, but he's hanging in dark alleys soliciting strangers? Seems a little risky when his little son/daughter is depending on him to be a good papa. I couldn't imagine doing that with just my cute puppy at home, let alone a toddler! Please tell me he's made alternate arrangements and someone else is raising that poor child away from T.T.'s dangerous decisions. And how does Baby T's other papa, Grey Goose, feel about T.T.'s actions?
—Doc

Dear Join the Real World:
Parents, both gay and straight (and both celeb and non), participate in all sorts of skanky sexual activity, regardless of how it may or may not effect their offspring. This is a fact of life.

Dear Ted:
When Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan were dating you said it will only last while they were costars. So it was coincidence or did you know something else?
—M

Dear Fly on the Wall Street:
Absence, in this couple's case, did not make the heart grow fonder, I'll say that much. Shia and Carey were never the perfect match, and once the project ended it made sense for them to put a kibosh on their relaysh too.

Dear Ted:
I'm curious to know your thoughts on the Prince William-Kate Middleton engagement. Their relationship seems low-key, dare I say, almost normal considering he's a royal. Do they stand a better chance than his parents to make the relationship work? Or now that he's 28, is he obligated (read: being pressured) to walk down the aisle?
—Christine

Dear Royal Pain:
Any kid nearing their 30s is going to get some parental pressure to tie the knot, royal fams included. That said, there's definitely not as much dirt in this relaysh as you think. Willy is more than happy to tie the knot. Kate too, of course. Who wouldn't be thrilled to marry a prince? That said, I have a bad feeling, can't say why, exactly.

Dear Ted:
With Cruella St. Shackles being mentioned in the last few columns, I have a question: Why are Cruella and Marky so desperate to making their marriage work? Is it because of the offspring or because Marky needs Cruella's financial help with his current career issues? Or could it actually be that they are in love? Something tells me the reasons aren't quite so romantic.
—Romance or Fiction?

Dear Shacking Up:
Definitely not true love here, babe. Money and headlines are the only things that keep these two together, trust. And that's why they're the perfect pair—they bring a new (and awful) meaning to marital bliss.

Dear Ted:
If two members of the same family had B.V.s, would you say so? Like if they were father and daughter or brothers, like Luke and Owen Wilson? (Not that I'm hinting at something. I have no idea whether they do or not). Or would it depend on the nature of the Vices? Besides the Mayhem clan, are there any others?
—Chocoholic

Dear All in the Family:
I guess if it had anything to do with the Vice, I would. Otherwise, there doesn't really seem to be a point, does there? Except to show which family tree is growing the Viciest dirt. The Mayhem fam is definitely toward the top of that list, though.

Dear Ted:
Has Hilary Duff ever starred in a Blind Vice? If so, is she Cass Stimulatia?
—M

Dear Lizzie McVicer:
Way cold! Hil is definitely not looking to settle down into mommy-dom anytime soon. The babe is more focused on her career right now. Which means expect a couple more ABC Family flops before she births a mini-Duff.

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Ashlee Simpson-Wentz? Just saw a pic of her in a recent Fashion Police posting and boy is she super thin—to the point she almost looks sick! Trouble on the home front? Have a steak on me, Ash!
—Jenn

Dear Stick Figure:
Why we didn't included Ashlee in our Eat a Burger, Please! Gallery, is beyond me—and let's just say the Simpson ladies handle their problems in very different ways, inside the kitchen and out.

Dear Ted:
If you were to reveal the identity of a B.V. and they then got up to more naughty business, would you create a new B.V. name for them, continue with the old one, or just give up on them completely?
—Renee and Buzz

Dear Vice Vanity:
New name. It's happened before, of course. These celebs can never keep their noses clean for too long.

Dear Ted:
How do you tell the difference between a celeb who is gay and one who is bi with a same-sex preference?
—Trippy

Dear Bi Now, Gay Later:
Sexuality is a tricky biz, so I try to give the Vicers the benefit of the doubt. That said, with most of these celebs it's pretty easy to tell if they're fooling around with a certain sex to up their image or if they actually enjoy it.

Dear Ted:
Can we do a little more comparing between Terry Tush-Trade and Twyla Babe-Sucker? You've already told us TTT would win in a catfight, and that TTT is far more famous than TBS so, my question is: Is there anything that Twyla would win at when compared to Terry?
—Hedur

Dear Sucks to Be Terry:
Twyla is definitely happier than tragic Terr, if that's a competition.