Jessica Simpson, Eric Johnson

Humberto Carreno/

Dear Ted:
Jessica Simpson
just seems more desperate by the day! Her quickie engagement to Mr. Just-Divorced-Ex-NFL-Dude is so obvs because Nick Lachey got engaged! It's an example of the PR H'wood is known for! I smell Joe Simpson all over it, but I digress. I want to know what really went down between Jess and Nick—he seems like a great guy who was devastated and didn't see their divorce coming. Does Jess regret it now? Also, is Jessica a B.V.? I thought she was Ms. Goody Two-shoes until her divorce. Now I see more pics of her looking drunk than sober. Plus that explains the weight gain and mom jeans.
—Jessica Simpleton

Dear Not That Simple:
Let's not jump the gun, Jess and her BF have been dating for a good six months, which is like decades for her since she hasn't managed to hold a stable relaysh since Lachey walked out. As juicy as it seems, Eric Johnson's proposal doesn't seem like it has anything to do with Nick's. More like he's ready to be a trophy husband! We're thinking the engaged duos should go in for a remake of the Newlyweds part two. The reality-show horror! Oh, and with all the questions you're asking about this bride-to-be, how could she not be a B.V.! Maybe that's why Nick couldn't hang?

Dear Ted:
Please break it down: the Us Weekly story about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. And Jason Statham? Is this completely made-up, or did Jason really flirt up Kristen to Robert's displeasure? I could buy Jason chatting up Stewie; he's such a playboy. But I have a hard time believing Robert confronted him and needed bouncers to break it up. It sounds way too fan fiction-y. What say you?

Dear Who's Wooing Stewie:
Come on Twi sister, you really think R.Pattz is trashy enough to get into a bar fight over his GF? That's not to say if boyfriend duty called he wouldn't man up, but this story is fan fiction. Come on, Rob's scrawny and Jason's totally jacked? But Pattinson towers over Statham in the height department.

Dear Ted:
Yesterday TMZ was going nuts that Kelly Preston was in labor and John Tavolta was flying home from news?

Dear False Alarm:
Reps def confirmed that all the internet buzz about Kelly being in labor was totally false, even though her hubby did leave his promotional tour abruptly to be by his wife's side. John's just getting a head start, people! And in case you are double the gullible, those rumors about the couple expecting twins are just as false as the alarm! 

Dear Ted:
I've seen some discussions on various boards about how much Jessica Simpson is worth now vs. the Nick Lachey divorce. Some people think that her clothing and shoe lines are not that lucrative, but I've always read that she was making pots of money. Do we have a clue what she's worth now vs. her Nick Lachey days?

Dear Mingling in the Moolah:
Pretty sure Jess is not having an issue in the financial department for now. Her clothing and shoe lines may not be the top of the designer crop, but they're making just enough dough for her to reel in that NFL fiancé. I mean, it is rumored that the second string footballer is into Jess's lavish lifestyle. Let's just hope he is feeling her personality too; otherwise, it's divorceville round two for this chick.

Dear Ted:
Is there something going on between Bonnie Wright and Daniel Radcliffe?

Dear The New Robsten:
These two would be adorbs, but I highly doubt they would make waves as an offscreen couple. The chemistry just isn't there, and Daniel doesn't strike me as the type to mingle with his costars nowadays. Better luck next wizard, Bonnie! These two together would have nothing on Robsten, enough said! Oh yeah, and the fact that Bonnie is totally smitten with Twilight dude Jamie Campbell Bower doesn't help the D-Rad matter either.

Dear Ted:
I wrote you my first two emails about Chiquita in a rage. So I apologize about my remark about it serving you right that the loonies take over the comments. (Even though they do.) But I stand by my objection to the naming of your Blind Vice. As I said, it is not that the name has negative connotations; it is that it identifies the vice to an ethnicity. We both know, and it's been proven, that names can really hurt you. And if the B.V. is not Hispanic, it still serves the purpose of slandering all Hispanics. Play fair.
—Sticks and Stones

Dear Breaking My Bones:
I see where you are coming from, but obviously the names are just meant to be hints, and I'm not overanalyzing the PC manner I'm dishing in, and neither should you. It's all in a day's goss, and sometimes it gets political, sorry! Still, my take is that not leaking the celeb's real identity is fair enough play! Plus, Chiquita has less to do with her appearance and more to do with her spicy friggin' tude.

Dear Ted:
I adore Kristen Stewart. I think she is really beautiful and a great actress. I thought it was really telling that Melissa Rosenberg admitted that Kristen was what enticed Bill Condon to direct Breaking Dawn. She seems to be really respected in the Industry. So my question is: Will her relationship with Robert Pattinson provide him with good contacts and opportunities in the industry too? Keep on supporting the Stew.

Dear K.Stew Wears the Pants:
These lovebirds are just as equally respected in my book, even though K def has the more movies in her court. Still, they are both trying to make separate names for themselves aside from Twilight, starring in various indie films, and it doesn't hurt that their romance is über publicized. The industry, and not to mention the paps, can't get enough of these two. Good PR makes for good contacts, duh!

Dear Ted:
I just saw Britney Spears in "for the record" for the first time, and it really made feel for her. A Disney prodigy who was used and exploited by everyone around her. It seemed like Justin Timberlake was one of the people who really cared for her. Have they been in any contact over the last year? She's been looking better (although she will never be "young Britney" again). I have to hope her new album will give her the confidence she needs.
—Justin + Britney

Dear Mickey Mouse Love:
We miss that infamous puppy love just as much as the next mouseketeering minion, but let's be real, that relationship was doomed from the moment Disney became their destiny. Justin is one to hold a grudge (have you listened to his music), so the fact Brit effed up their relationship doesn't bode well for a reconciliation.

Dear Ted:
Please let us know: Are Pink and her hubby, Carey, expecting their first bundle of joy?

Dear Baby Business:
Word has it that a close friend of Pink's did spill the baby beans via Twitter last week, but has since backtracked. Mags have been reporting the star's about 12 weeks preggers, and we totally believe the babe has a bun in the oven! Too bad she has yet to officially confirm. Here's hoping that future kiddo, in the oven or not, will be just as badass as the parentals!

Dear Ted:
Why is Strawberry Snort 'Em so unlucky in love? Is her guy partying all the time or something?
—Patrick F

Dear Luck Favors Prepared:
This honey is not prepared for her beau's sneaky, snoggin' ways as much as she is for his partying. That she can handle, and tag along for!

Dear Ted:
Since you'd like to out Cruella St. Shackles as much as I'd like to know who she is, I have two guesses. My first guess is Renée Zellweger, and my second is Jennifer Lopez.

Dear Cruella Da-No:
Truly fab guess on Renée. But it isn't her, sorry hon!

Dear Ted:
So it seems like it's a battle of the exes. First Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got engaged, and now Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson are now engaged, note I had to Google who Jessica was engaged to. Supposedly LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian were engaged, but according to LeAnn they weren't. Now news that Dean Sheremet is engaged. Who do you think out of this exes will actually go down the aisle and make it?

Dear Everyone's Doin' It:
My money's one Nick and Vanessa for now. I mean, they have been dating for five years and as boring as their relationship may be, this bore may just be the right score for Lachey. He dealt with the stress of a Simpson, and now that's what's-his-name's problem. You know how I feel about LeAnn and Eddie's future together, so I won't go into that brutal beatdown again!

Dear Ted:
I really believe I've pegged Cass Stimulatia and Maribeth Bush. Although there are rumblings of a bun in the oven, I get a very Pink vibe from Cass. And Maribeth I'm almost convinced is Amy Adams—she certainly has that girl-next-door vibe down to a science! Any chance I'm at least warm on either gal?

Dear Beginner's Bad Luck:
Sorry hon, 0 for 2. Better guessin' next time!

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