ABC/KAREN NEALDear Ted:
Have you seen photos from the set of Cougar Town with Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston? It looks like Courteney used Jen's appearance as an excuse to go see the guy that she lets inject her cheeks with that crap. Seriously, Jen's face looks as phony as Courteney's now, and I expected more from her. In my mind, Courteney wanted to bring Jen down with her—because no way is she happy with what she's done to her face—and Jen couldn't say no to her controlling best friend. Seriously, that cheek-thing must stop. Hollywood women are really starting to look like fools, and quite frankly I thought Jen was above it (not plastic surgery but too much plastic surgery).
—Jennifer H.
Dear Toxic ‘Tude:
Somebody's an angry cougar, Jen—time to put the claws away. Jen didn't look too different to me, nothing a bit of light airbrushing wouldn't account for. She's a fresh faced babe, of course, you would be too if your biggest source of stress these days was deciding whether to order a strawberry or regular margarita.
Dear Ted:
Given that the Bonus Blind Vice didn't allude to anything truly scandalous, could you please reveal who Bertha Rose is? Is it Ellen Barkin or Jane Fonda? Mucho love to you, Pete, and congrats on the real-estate coup.
—Iowa City Jen
Dear Big Bertha:
Half the friggin' BV is already revealed and you want me to just fess up to the other half right away. C'mon, Jen! Where's the fun in that? (And what makes you think it's me?)
Dear Ted:
I'm worried you might be going through pon farr...Let's look at the facts.You're picking on Taylor Lautner, mentioning drool-worthy C-List celebs Matt Lanter and Craig Horner, posting about Robert Pattinson two and three times a day and now you're moving out of your house in the hills and stealing flats from Oscar nominated ingénues. Maybe you should call Mr. Spock (the new one) for some therapy.
—M
Dear Trek to the Dark Side:
Beam me up, Scotty! And as for Matt L. and Craig H., who cares if they're on the C-list cause they're also on the A-list. Ya know, amazing abs. And that makes them worthy of posting.
Dear Ted:
Maybe you should stop hating on Angelina Jolie and leave her alone? She's cool. I like what she's doing for Pakistan and how she spoke against the burning of the Koran. I would have loved to see her do a good flick with Rob.You are just a hater after good people like Angelina and Rob.
—Val
Dear Rumor Raider:
And here I thought I was actually being nice to the gal lately. Clearly, I was blithely unaware I was slipping into…pon farr.
Dear Ted:
I'm really a huge fan of both Chris Evans and his brother, Scott. But ever since you brought up Buck Me-Good, I've been worried that he might be Chris. Please say it isn't so!
—Rob
Dear Buck You:
I am happy to say Chris isn't our mile-high humper. Actually, Chris isn't any Vice—yet, at least.
Dear Ted:
What are your thoughts on Rob being possessive of Kristen? Plausible or crap? Obviously they want to be together, but it's always seemed clear Rob is more into Kristen than she is into him, or at least that's what we see...
—Debunk Please
Dear You're Welcome:
Crap.
Dear Ted:
Here is a question that only you and Jen can answer and seeing as I don't have a direct link to Ms. Aniston: If Jen had only two options left on earth, Brad Pitt or John Mayer who would it be and why?
—Fam
Dear Last Man Standing:
Hmmm, interesting question, F. Tough one too, actually, but I'd have to go with Mayer. Thank heavens that's not the case though and she's got plenty of other dudes to run around with.
Dear Ted:
A question about journalistic integrity in the world of Blind Vice gossip. I'm sure you get all sorts of info from all sorts of sources on what our favorite Blind Vicers are up to, but how do you manage to distinguish between a source that is actually in the know and sources that are just making stuff up? If you posted a Vice only to find out later that the source that gave you the info was bogus would you retract it or just leave it as is given that, other than yourself, no one else really knows the true identify of the Vicers?
—E Murrow
Dear Source Code:
Verify, verify, then double verify. The E! legal team isn't around just to be intimidating, they, ya know, do stuff, too. So, do I! It's a tough job researching all this debauchery.
Dear Ted:
You always mention the Twilight tell-all book, but what I'm really interested in is the Disney tell-all. What type of juicy stories could we expect? No need to tell names...but feel free to if you really want...
—S
Dear Mouse Trap:
The full spectrum of Vice stuff, doll. Cannot. Wait.
Dear Ted:
I don't get what's wrong with selling yourself as a sex symbol to get into the spotlight. Exterior is always the first thing people notice so it's by far the easiest way to get famous. I do think people who try using that spotlight for charity and other good causes are very noble, (even if it's only for publicity) but if they just stick to being hot that's their choice and who are we to judge them for it?
—Bastiaan Roosen
Dear Kate Bosworth:
Fine, we won't judge you.
Dear Ted:
What has Nelly Fang been up to lately—still trolling the park for young studs?
—Misy
Dear Running Joke:
Hell, no. The second I spilled his workout secrets, he said adios to casual hookups in the park. I kind of feel bad, I know how much he loved to get dirty.
Dear Ted:
Are there any new TV shows in the fall lineup that you are looking forward to (Vice-worthy cast or not)? I've known the star of Lone Star, James Wolk, for many years—keep your eye out for him! Although, sorry to say, he probably won't be starring in any Blind Vices anytime soon. He's well behaved.
—Ms. P
Dear Fall TV Preview:
James is quite a cutie, too. Lone Star looks good, but the show Team Awful is most excited for is Showtime's Shameless. Never been a huge fan of Emmy Rossum but she's good in the pilot. Also, Nikita. Cause I love watching chicks kick ass.
Dear Ted:
Thanks so much for your R.Pattz updates. We were in a bit of a dry spell for a while. Anyway, my question for you is when the hell is that man going to shave!? I want to see that beautiful face of his again!
—BubbleYum Steph
Dear Bearded Blunder:
Not until his next role requires him to. It's what all these dudes do during their down-time between flicks: him, Jake Gyllenhaal, Brad Pitt. Seems most people prefer them all fresh-faced, but, I don't mind a little scruff.
Dear Ted:
I don't understand how a married beard, like the wife of Seymour Plow-Me-More, for example, can be content with her love life. How does this work. Does she know he's gay? Is she a lesbian? Or does she just not want true love for herself?
—Emily
Dear Wifey-poo:
Of course, she knows he's gay. Who cares about true love when she can be rich and famous, instead. It's what she always wanted more than anything else, don't forget.