Angelina Jolie, Chelsea Handler

John Shearer/Getty Images; Jason Merritt/

Dear Ted:
Recently, E!'s own Chelsea Handler called Angelina Jolie "evil" on the air! While I'm sure you'd get your ass sued if you answered my question, I'm going to ask it anyway: Do most people in H'wood think of Jolie as a bitch? Does she have any friends who actually care about her instead of name-dropping her tabloid ass just to get some press? Or did the whole Chelsea thing happen simply because she's friends with Jenifer Aniston? I can't see Jen wanting to be associated with all that anymore. If a friend of mine called out my husband's skank on the air, I'd do some damage control pronto! Whoops...looks like three questions instead of one.

Dear The Upper Handler:
Chels is a comedian who hosts a gossip-fueled talk show, so don't take everything she says so seriously—or, ya know, generate all sorts of Aniston conspiracy theories. While Chelsea is pro-Jennifer, she's not the A-lister's mouthpiece, so there's no need for damage control. Some people hate Ange; some love her. It's the same in Hollywood as it is everywhere else.

Dear Ted
Is Twyla Babe-Sucker the beard of Nevis Divine?

Dear Straight Shooter:
No. But you're awfully bloody warm!

Dear Ted:
Instead of posting article after article designed to stir up hate against Robert Pattinson, why don't you fix your friggin website so we don't have to wait and wait and wait for the comments to load? You keep quietly dissing Rob any way you can just to increase the hate and the hits when you should take care of the tech problems that are happening every day. You are losing regular posters who are getting fed up with the R.Patz dissing, the Nevis crap (when we know Nevis is not Rob but you've backed yourself into a corner and can't find way out) and the tech problems. Leave Rob alone and fix the damn board!

Dear Wrong:
Maybe you should stop tweaking out and get your eyes checked because there has been no quiet dissing of R.Pattz, you anon computer turd. And yes, the boards friggin' suck, I'm aware, but we're working on it. It's a process, 'K?

Dear Ted:
Since you said Viggo Mortensen's B.V. is something he does behind closed doors, does that mean you are notting him as Buddy Rib-Toast (who gets drunk and runs around naked on set) and Buck Me-Good (who gets drunk and slobbers over females on a plane)?
—Likes Danish

Dear Out in Public:
Right-o, but Viggo's Vice also came earlier than our latest bad-boy crew. He has been around for a while, after all.

Dear Ted:
After seeing Jesse James with Kat Von D, I gotta say that I don't hate him as much. I in no way condone what he did, of course, I just think I understand it a little better. I think he married out of his league and comfort zone. Look at the girls he was with other than Sandra Bullock: porn star, tattoo artist. He was just too much of a coward to face the fact that he found out she's not her type (way too late), so he cheated. Am I right in anyway?

Dear The Ink Link:
Sure, Jesse and Kat obviously have more in common, but that doesn't excuse anything he did. Plus, opposites attract, you know. Isn't that how the saying goes? Whatever, Sandra has moved on from the ordeal, classy gal that she is.

Dear Ted:
So Miley Cyrus and Ashley Greene are friends now, filming their new movie LOL. Is there any awkwardness now that Ashley is "dating" Joe Jonas, the brother of Miley's most famous ex?  Why can't any young starlets date outside the Jonas gene pool?

Dear GTG:
Nope, the two girls are getting along fabulously—have plenty in common, don't you know? As for why the Joe and Nick are like catnip to these sexy young stars, well, who gets more press than the JoBros? Nick and Miley will last longer than Ashley and Joe, trust.

Dear Ted:
I'm totally ashamed to ask this, but I just read about the new Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I'm dying to know if Paris Hilton "accidentally" makes it onto the show with her two aunts? Maybe this whole "it wasn't my purse" nonsense is her way of getting her family some attention for the upcoming series. Wags and kisses your loveable rescues!

Dear Real Socialites of Los Angeles:
Wouldn't count on it. Par-Par's family isn't exactly thrilled with her right now. Then again, she is maybe doing some crazy reality show with Brooke Mueller, so who the hell knows. You can find Paris wherever cameras are rolling. Her family, too.

Dear Ted:
It seems like the real heroes in Supernatural are definitely not the ones who make the gossip blogs headlines, so can you give Mischa Collins some love?
—A Random Acts Supporter

Dear Divine Intervention:
Definitely kudos to Misch for his good work. And he's pretty entertaining to follow on Twitter if you haven't checked him out. Is it wrong to lust after an angel though? He's supersexy!

Dear Ted:
What are the odds of Parish McGuire "screwing up" and being outed by someone who doesn't have a legal team keeping him from it? And you said he was old enough to vote, is he old enough to drink?

Dear Parish Pains:
Man's got quite the legal squad that will keep anyone who threatens Parrish's heartthrob-status gagged. Parish runs in a group that keeps their lips sealed tight—at gabbing, that is. Everyone who is in, is in...and they want to stay that way.

Dear Ted:
Again you opened mouth and inserted foot. I love ya' still. But wrong again about your horrendously defamatory blog about Xavier Samuels and how he's practically a failure because the Twi fans (in your opinion) aren't enthused about him. Thank God for real reporters out here. The TwiExaminer blew this idiotic premise out of the water. I suggest you read her article and then apologize to Xavier. You're good at mea culpas, and I respect you for it. Xavier is well known in the Twi community and we love him. Apologize!

Dear X Marks the Spot:
Babe, calm down. I think Xavier is a total cutie, and way nice, but it's true that he hasn't exactly blown up since starring in the series. Doesn't mean the Twi-hards don't still love him, but really most would get excited about a glorified extra from the series (uh, Boo Boo Stewart, anyone?). I stick by what we said, he's no huge-ass star—yet. 

Dear Ted:
Quick question about my favorite actor Alex Skarsgård. You said that at the Emmy's he looked lonely and was extremely low-key. Have you figured out why yet? If you can't I suggest you, me and Team Awful go find his hiding place and give him a visit to cheer him up!

Dear Bosworth-Be-Gone:
Cause he didn't have a dependable date, duh. But Taryn and John are, of course, down to give Alex some extra loving, so we'll meet you there!

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to say how much enjoyment I get from reading your postings. Especially how you handle Robsten, giving us all the deets but still protecting this awesome pair (like telling of Rob's travel after he's fled the area). Also love your love for them—'cause I feel the same way! I might be living in a movie, but I kind of feel that these two have staying power...their bond seems real and deeper than most of us are ever able to find...and I think somewhat fitting their personalities, they seem perfectly matched to "get one another." I realize flings and attraction can come and go (and goodness knows they'll have plenty of opportunity to meet other hotties), but I kind of hope that they will continue to come back to one another as they go through life. Is that totally unrealistic when they've found each other at such a young age?

Dear Fantasy Land:
Wow, an appreciative Twi letter, you must be ready for the weekend! And I absolutely think people can meet at a young age and have staying power. Sure, there will be ups and downs and ons and offs, but that's lovin' in Hollywood babe.

Dear Ted:
Ted Casablanca
is getting old!

Dear Smart Stuff:
Getting? Where you been, babe? But look, age is fabulous, and not to mention, unavoidable. Will happen to you, too, bitch!

Follow Ted on Twitter!


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