Matt Damon, George Clooney

Peter Bregg/Getty Images, Erik Kabik

Dear Ted:
Why doesn't Hollywood call out male actors that have had nothing but box-office flops? When was the last time Russell Crowe made a hit? Even George Clooney, whom I respect as an actor, mostly has huge losses or films that break even. Matt Damon's Greenzone failed miserably. Seriously, what other actress has actually had as many hits as Jennifer Aniston? Aniston holds her own alongside the big boys of comedy but no one acknowledges that. I think it's unfair.

Dear Big Man on Campus:
Double standard, just like everything else in H'wood. If a dude's flick fails, there are a million excuses. If a gal has a bomb—especially a comedic flick with a leading lady—it's all her fault. That's the way it always is. So friggin' lame, right?

Dear Ted:
Let's talk about Buck Me-Good. Though I can't picture Viggo Mortensen with the "do you know who I am" attitude, could he be our mile-high club hopeful?

Dear Cockpit Confession:
Nope, Viggo's B.V. was long before Buck started causing chaos in the sky. For BMG, think hunkier even than V—and much more believable at rocking the total diva dude ‘tude.

Dear Ted:
Does Selena Gomez have trouble finding someone to date? She just doesn't seem to date as much as Demi Lovato or Miley Cyrus do.

Dear Go for Gomez:
Miley and Demi are just more out there with the men they date—each for her own reasons—whereas Selena hasn't quite figured out how much publicity you can get for dating a certain T-town boy-toy. Ya know, aside from her brief stint with Taylor Lautner, that is.

Dear Ted:
You've got me a bit confused. In a Bitch-Back, you basically said that Paris Hilton is like yesterday's news—"so over"—but the item "5 Reasons She's Dumb Like a Fox" seems to say the opposite. I realize tweeting your every move and having people care about it are two different things, but you seem to imply that her efforts are working. And the mere fact that you are writing about her makes it appear our days are not yet Paris-free. So sorry about Cleo, but I bet you will make another shelter pet a home when you are ready.

Dear Rule No. 1:
Sources say that Paris will never let Paris be "so over."

Dear Ted:
I saw the CMA nominations today and was super excited to see that Dierks Bentley is finally getting noticed for his awesome music, not to mention he is such a cutie! Anyway, my rescue pug Holly-Go-Lightly and I were wondering if Dierks has ever been a Blind Vice before.

Dear County Bumpkin:
You're barking up the wrong guitar-strummin' tree, Aimee. It's when these relatively good boys (and gals, no doubt) get a dose of Hollywood that they really get naughty.

Dear Ted:
Have Caesar Anchovy-Arse's people contacted you yet and threatened with lawsuits? This would perfectly prove that your Vice is real, and stinky Caesar will watch his step and leave his woman alone.

Dear Arse Up:
No, because as far as he's concerned, he's got nothing to worry about.

Dear Ted:
Can you please, for the love of God, find out if anything is coming up for Amanda Bynes after Easy A. She announced she's unretired, and I wanted to know if she has anything in the works. I miss her.

Dear @Chicky:
Bigger problem here: Why the hell did Amanda delete her Twitter? Pretty selfish of her, if you ask me, depriving the world of all that insight. As for her "film career," she has no upcoming projects in the works (you totally could have checked her IMDB page, but it's OK). Go see Easy A though, très hilarious, babe.

Dear Ted:
I like to think you are as honest as can be—being a gossip columnist and all—so I have to ask: When it comes to Robsten, do you ever feel the need to lie about them to keep the readers happy or to throw us off a trail?

Dear Not-sten:
Nope. Everything I give you is 100 percent what I believe to be the awful truth. 

Dear Ted:
What's up with the fangs on True Blood? Their fangs are on their laterals instead of their cuspids. I always thought vampire fangs were on their cuspids. Why did they do that? Hope you have the answer 'cause it's driving me crazy.

Dear Cuspid-less:
Sadly, I haven't got much of an answer for you. I'm a gossip columnist, not a dentist, sugarpuss. But might I direct you to the Answer B!tch? She was spawned by the Devil for just such an occasion!

Dear Ted:
Do Nevis Divine, his BF and his GF ever all get it on together? Yes...I'm asking ménage à trois style. If they are all good looking, all get along and are somewhat experimental, why not? Also, is one OK with Nevis getting it on with the other? And while this is a confusing triangle, does Nev get in on with others outside of his basic shape?

Dear Threesome Dim Sum:
Sadly, no. As sexually liberal as this trio are, Barrington has never bedded Nev's gal. Indeed though, would make it a lot easier for Nevis since he wouldn't have to decided between the two.

Dear Ted:
I just want to let you know that every time I read your column and you mention any of your furry children, my heart melts, and it makes my day knowing there's a person like you crazy about his pets as much as I am about my Puche. Be strong, Cleopatra is sailing now in the kitty Nile.

Dear Kitty Letter:
Thanks, Mina. Your nice email and all the thoughtful comments really mean a lot to me, Margo and Charlie. Kisses to Puche from all three of us.

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Check out more mail in our archives for plenty more bitchin' and Blind Vice clues!

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