Kristin Bauer, Justin Bieber, Angelina Jolie

Michael Buckner/Getty Images; Lester Cohen/; Toni Passig/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Why do you keep on throwing out Megan Fox's name every time you think of a look-alike to Angelina Jolie? You, a fan of True Blood of all people, should've noticed by now the crazy resemblance between Kristin Bauer and the Jolie, right? The crazy-cool vamp has not only the looks and the luscious lips, but has also the acting chops to hold her own against anyone, even stealing scenes from her creator Northman. Plus, have you checked her crazy abs during a torturing scene? Wow, forget Fox, I say go for mega-Bauer.

Dear Pamming It Up:
Rita, can I just say it's good to see you talking about anything but your panties poofing! I'm into your casting, babe, but why do we have to be so exclusive? We need a young Ange for her wild days breaking into the biz and an older Angie to hunker down with Brad Pitt. Why not give both Megsy and Kristin a shot at the role?

Dear Ted:
Your Angelina Jolie biopic casting is perfect, all except for Justin Bieber as Maddox Jolie-Pitt. With that haircut?! He'd be perfect as older gender-bending Shiloh!

Dear Shil-Oh No You Didn't:
Too funny, doll! And way to perfect too—I can't believe we didn't think of that earlier. Just imagine Justin in one of Shiloh's little sport coats. Too cute!

Dear Ted:
Some people are saying Nikki Reed is your source for all things Twi and to pay her for feeding you info, you eliminated her as Terry Tush-Trade. Care to comment?

Dear Reed My Writes:
Please, Hayley. Nikki isn't my biggest fan, she's definitely not giving me any dish. And she's the Twi-type that would have no problem being a Vice suspect, mind you. Hell, she's probably mad it ain't her as TTT.

Dear Ted:
So about Chubster Hunkster...a few more clues, perhaps? Is he chubby now or does that description refer to when he was younger? And is he better known for film or TV?

Dear Chubba Chubba:
He's definitely not fat now. Which is why all these chicks are so willing to bed him. Pretty good-looking most days, I guess. And definitely movies these days; he's kind of a big star, ya know.

Dear Ted:
I knew it! I knew it, knew it, knew it! I have emailed you at least twice with the right guess for Moisty Mohr, and you haven't printed it. And after you promised everyone you would! So disappointed, and my adopted angel kitty Joey and his new adopted little sister Bunny are mad at you, too.

Dear Debbie Downer:
Clearly you weren't reading the Bitch-Backs too carefully, C, 'cause I 'fessed that Moisty himself begged me not to reveal him. I'm not a complete bitch, but I still am a little, which is why I gave you all such obvious clues. Good work, though.

Dear Ted:
Kim Kardashian
is annoying me with all this Bieber talk. She said she would date him if he was 18? No, not likely. I think she had a little spike in her self-esteem with the onslaught of female jealousy when Justin called her his GF a while back. That's the only conclusion I can come up with as to why she won't shut up about him. Remember way back when Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker broke up and Shanna threw a drink at Kim at the Playboy Mansion for supposedly getting with her man? Kim responded with a simple "he's not my type" to the rumors implying that she only dates black guys and everyone was like "OK, makes sense since we haven't seen Kim with any other type" and that finished that rumor quickly. Last I checked, Justin Bieber isn't black so either she's feeding off this jealousy high of hers or she really did hook up with Barker. Ted, I gotta know! Did Kim K break up one of my fave couples ever?

Dear Once You Go Bieber:
Please, Betsy. You're taking this way too seriously. Of course K2 is just kidding about dating the Biebs—he's the hottest thing in the tween market, and if she can cash in on that without having to do anything, then why the hell not? Plus, you're right. Bieber is so not her type.

Dear Ted:
That does it, Joe Jonas is not a virgin. I'm no fan of Joe's and probably even less of Ashley Greene, but come on! This is so obvious, it almost screams desperate! Ashley is no untouched woman, and she is not shy about it neither. She was on Chelsea Lately blabbing away about sexual encounters she has had with guys and now all of a sudden she is smitten with a celibate? No. Either the JoBro threw that ring of his to the wind or this is a really bad attempt from Ashley to get some of that Robsten press. Am I wrong?

Dear Greene Light Special:
The relaysh seems arguably desperate, I'll give you that much. But otherwise, S, you're jumping to so many conclusions it's making my brain go crazy. Ash isn't some virginity-snatching monster.

Dear Ted:
How much money would a couple such as "those who shall not be named" make off of fake planted stories, like for instance a "leaked sex tape"? Is it about the money or about the "fame"?

Dear Fake It Till You Make It:
Don't be so naive! Why can't it be fame and money.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for adding more to the Blind Vice Superstars gallery! Would you ever list the Blind Vice names in addition to the celeb pictures so we can perhaps try to figure out which celeb matches which Vice? Even if you gave a few extra to throw us off? Pretty please?

Dear Naming Names:
And give the E! legal department a collective heart attack? You've got to be kidding me, L.

Dear Ted:
I read on another site that the Miley Cyrus and that not-Chris Hemsworth boy have finally gone their separate ways. At this site tongues were wagging that he may have broken it off, which would lead to her not dealing with the breakup as well as those in the past. To which I say, puh-leeze, people! Miley is not Britney, thank God. (Britney didn't have all that Auto-Tune at the start of her career...oh, never mind.) I think she will be heartbroken for the requisite 9.3 seconds before dashing off to see Nick. Your thoughts?

Dear Splitsville:
Totally dunzo indeed (for now), and while, sadly, Miley hasn't sought comfort in the familiar arms of our fave JoBro, she's definitely not too broken up about the breakup. You can count on that.

Dear Ted:
Since we have not had any real clues on Toothy Tile's identity in ages I thought maybe you would be more forthcoming on clues concerning Grey Goose. Other than the time Toothy and Goose got caught getting frisky by the LAPD, has Goose had any other altercations with the law?

Dear LAPO'd:
Nothing worse than any other star, really.

Dear Ted:
Demi Moore
used to be a hell raiser but I haven't heard much about her recently. By any chance has she been a Blind Vice within the last 6 months?

Dear Ashton:
No, as you very well should know.

Dear Ted:
Do you have any more info on Henrietta Hardball? It's got to be Elisabeth Hasselbeck, no?

Dear Hopeless Henriette:
The new info is that she's finally friggin' disappeared. At least, she's way less out there than she was before, which is good for just about everyone. Sad to say, seems she'll never quite disappear though.

Dear Ted:
In Hollywood are there more male or female beards? People seem to gossip more about male actors/performers being gay that the person that they are with is just a cover, but I don't really see that many women going through the same problem. So the bigger question is, are there more gay men in Hollywood than women? Is it equal? Or are there more gay women?

Dear Beard Count:
More men have beards, definitely. Not to say that the women don't partake in the fauxmance fun, but there are also more gay rumors surrounding the Hollywood hunks. Plus, there's all those double standards that women can go out one-on-one, hug in public, etc. and not be pegged as gay. Lame, huh?

Dear Ted:
Do you ever even verify things you hear or photos you get???My 5 year old could do a better job than you and all your slandorous would you feel bout someone doing to you the things you say and do about them???think about that for awhile..your story about miley and that picture with it is crap and you know it!! For one mileys hair is longer than that of the girl in the photo,,second the style of the hair is not even close,,and third the photo is so fuzzy it looks like it was taken with a 2 dollar toy camera..Do you not go by reality anymore???you are pathetic,,any thing for a buck huh???

Dear Jim:
It was nice of you to let your 5-year-old type this email! But I apologize that the photographer didn't take the time to get his high-tech camera and have Miley turn around and smile for you while she was straddling a coworker. Next time, I'm sure.

Follow @theawfultruth on Twittah!


Tons more goss straight from Ted in the Bitch-Back section!

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