Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart

MAC/Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
So, I saw the "kissing" pics of Robsten and I gotta say...I saw no kissing! Hugging? Check. Ear whispering? Check. General closeness and possible groping? Check. Yet, no kissing. And not only that, the infamous "Kiss Pic" of 2010 was so grainy that you wouldn't know it was Kris and Rob if it weren't for TomStu standing in the background!

Dear Never Been Kissed:
Uh, Steph, if you don't see some serious lip-lock going on in that photo, then I think you need to get your eyes checked 'cause that was definitely a not-so-secret smooch. Yes, it was blurry and dark (uh, nighttime, hello?), but what do you expect from a couple that loves to keep their relaysh out of the public eye? Guess this is just another scenario where we gotta say: Thank heavens for Tom Sturridge!

Dear Ted:
Please, please, please be November already! Have you seen the new trailer for Love and Other Drugs with our hottest Jake G.? Hopefully, his ex will stay calm and would not meddle in the promotional tour. What do you think: will the oh-so-clean Reese (note the sarcastic tone) will be able to stay out of it, and let Jake promote his career in peace? And oh aren't your panties going poof for that sexy scene on the kitchen floor? My panties went poof!

Dear Poof-Proof:
Ew, Rita, you gotta stop with the panty poofing; I'm totally gagging over here! But, that said—or barfed, really—I love, love, love the looks of Jakey-poo's next flick (especially from the newest trailer). So much more his style than Prince of Persia, no? Humor, drama and a whole lot of adorableness on Jake's part? Reese seems to have her hands full with a new flick of her own and her main man, so we'll see. Wouldn't put anything past her.

Dear Ted:
Wrong, wrong, wrong! You've been wrong all along. Maksim Chmerkovskiy did an interview in New York and stated he and Erin were "never in a relationship." He sure dances a good showmance—no votes from me this year.

Dear Tangoed Today, Single Tomorrow:
B, I think you, as well as the other Makdrews obsessees, need to go back and read what I said: They were never as serious as they wanted you to think. Think more along the lines of friends with lots of fun benefits...of the nondancing variety.

Dear Ted;
I am emailing you right after watching the most amazing episode of True Blood. I must know if the amazing actor that is Denis O'Hare is a Blind Vice, or has done anything Vice worthy. He's such a great addition to the show, and his character really freaks me out.

Dear Royal Viceness:
Totally agree that the King is the best thing to happen to True Blood since Maryann (not counting Joe Manganiello, of course). The end of last week's episode was utter brilliance on all parts, too funny! But no, Denis is one of the more well-behaved members of the oh-so-sexy cast. Fun fact though: Just in case you forgot, he played the immigrations officer trying to deport Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. But good luck seeing him in anything else and not thinking about his vampy badassness.

Dear Ted:
I don't agree with your decision to not give a moniker to Strippa Rip-Ya's abuser. You have an army of readers on high alert for details about our favorite suspect's behavior. Just what Strippa needs: the stress of our guessing games. I say, shift this focus from Strippa onto her abuser. Let him worry about the Bitch-Back comments. Let him stay up at night wondering if all those brains finally put it all together. Let him feel the gaze of all those eyes watching his every move. Let him have to answer questions and issue denials. Instead of making her life worse, make his life worse. Give this abuser a B.V. name and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions. Shame him, not her.

Dear Rip-Ya to Pieces:
OK, his name is Caesar Anchovy-Arse and he sometimes smells like he looks.

Dear Ted:
I just recently got into the show Bones, and it has become my new obsession. I was saddened to hear that David Boreanaz wasn't the charming and kind guy that he seemed to be in interviews. I was just wondering if the friendship between Emily Deschanel and David is how they portray it, or if they no longer get along because of his "habits"? P.S. My rescue kitty, Sebastian, says hi.

Dear Sebastian's Ma:
Hi to your puss, and listen, Emily doesn't know anything now she didn't already know a long time ago. Like a whole lotta folks on that set.

Dear Ted:
I am so sick of hearing how Lindsay Lohan's issues are because of her douchey parents. I had a crappy upbringing, but I turned it around, disassociated myself from said parents, and am now happily married and pursuing my doctorate. Life is what you make of it, and she chose to make an utter mess of hers. I have no sympathy for her, but I do hope that she is able to change and take control of her life. But can everyone please stop enabling this type of behavior and making excuses for her just because she has stupid parents? She needs to take personal responsibility for her actions.

Dear Attack of the Lohans:
You're right, Linds does need to take responsibility for her actions. I've been saying that all along. Difference is, where you were smart and cut off the negative influences in your life, LiLo never will. Instead, she loves that they'll enable her bad behavior even more. Such great parenting, right? Good luck with your doctorate and your dude, babe!

Dear Ted:
I'm just a common girl who loves your brilliant honesty with the Hollyweird happenings. What is going on with Anna Kendrick? She is petite, but in her latest picture, in Dublin promoting Scott Pilgrim, she looks like a bobble head doll. Please tell me she hasn't succumbed to the pressures. Still love her.

Dear Eat a Burger!
Anna has always been über-mini, with her current press-tour being no exception, so don't worry the Oscar nominee has picked up some nasty H'wood habits. So not her style. That cutie has a good head on her shoulders, trust.

Dear Ted:
Crescent Kumquat
for some reason has been on my mind lately. What's he been up to? And has he gone "all the way" yet? Or is that TMI to ask!
—Susie Q

Dear Kum and Go:
Ick, Cres needs to sort out some of his previous affairs (ya know, like the publicist that gave him herpes) before he continues with his late-night, marijuana-fuelled liaisons. Of course, I'll keep you updated on his bedroom behavior though, count on that.

Dear Ted:
I'm confused by Gwyneth Paltrow's recent pictures with Jay-Z and her other famous friends. You seem to imply that she's cold-hearted and lacking a personality, but I'd think you'd have to have some personality to hang out with Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Cameron Diaz. What gives? Are the three aforementioned not as fun/cool as I think?

Dear Snoozapalooza:
Uh, no. With the sometimes expectation of Cam, Jay and B? Zzzzz, oh sorry! What was the question?

Dear Ted:
Do Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream's beards have real significant others that they are keeping secret? Or are they just enjoying the perks of the bearding relationships?

Dear Feeling Perky:
Nope, Shafterellas they are not. Both gals are more than willing to forgo frisky fun in order to get their careers soaring. Stardom trumps sex any day in these crafty cuties' books.

Dear Ted:
I went to Universal Studios today with the kiddies (horror) and saw...William Fitchner! I seemed to be the only one who recognized him as he was whisked ahead in a line (not that other "VIPS" who paid for "front of the line" BS weren't whisked as well). He was with a nice, normal-looking family. And yes, I do think he's cute, and I like his acting. No, I'm not Diane. Argh, I had no one to share my moment with!

Dear Lucky Duck:
What an exciting sighting! You and Diane should really hook up. Want me to set up a date for the two of you?

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Tons more letters (and Blind Vice clues too!) in our Bitch-Back section.

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