Jessica Simpson, Eric Johnson


Dear Ted:
What is going on with Jessica Simpson and her new BF? It seems so obvious to me that she is milking this relationship for all the publicity she can get. First, the PDAs on vacation in Italy, and now they are going to the Ivy for lunch. What noncelebrity guy would actually be willing to sell himself like that? Could she be using this new relationship to get people talking about her again?

Dear Simpson and Delilah:
Part of me thinks it's just Jessica being the serial monogamist she is, but another part agrees—you don't go to the Ivy to keep a low profile. And hey, what else will get people talking about the once-admired broad if not her love life? She's perhaps grasping at straws now, yes. The straws just happen to be penises. I can think of worse things.

Dear Ted:
After watching Inception, I have a feeling it's going to skyrocket Joseph Gordon-Levitt's career. He's such an underrated actor and quite dapper in his role. It had me wondering if he's ever been a Blind Vice or if there's potential for him to be in the future? For this I'm pimping out my rescue kitty, Keva, who surprised us with two adorable kittens the other night.

Dear Keva Kin:
Congratulations on the kittens! Joseph hasn't been a Blind Vice because, frankly, the guy's too careful. But agreed that JGL is on the rise. You know what star power does to some folks...Maybe he'll be a B.V. sooner than later. Let's hope.

Dear Ted:
I'm tired of seeing headlines that say, "Was Mel Set Up?" Who cares? Being set up makes not one bit of difference. And if it was so easy to set him up, then obviously it was an expected outcome, right? He said it. He's slipped through his other outbursts relatively unscathed, and he shouldn't have. It's time he was held accountable. He obviously needs some serious rehab too. Let's stop allowing money and fame to control the outcome to legal matters. Do the crime and pay the time. No matter who you are.

Dear Mad at Mel:
Shout it to the world, toots! If all the sensible-minded people out there who agree that there must not be any more tolerance of Gibson made their voices heard, the folks who make the decisions might finally give the guy some long overdue justice. And piss in his coffee, maybe.

Dear Ted:
I just wanted to know why you seem to criticize almost all of Angelina Jolie's motives and actions, yet you turn a blind eye to the same things that Jennifer Aniston does? For example, if Angelina shares stories about her charity work/Brad/the kids you say she's just doing so to sell a movie. But you never mention the more degrading stuff Jennifer does to sell one of her movies. Why don't you point out some of her more desperate moves, like when she always appears half-naked on magazine covers, or even when a new "relationship" begins just when she has a movie to peddle or she's trying to compete with Angelina's and Brad's media coverage.

Dear Smart and Sassy:
I'm no benevolent force when it comes to Jen, trust. Maybe you just have to look deeper in the archives for some of my older critiques. But truth is, Jen's shaped up and become all the wiser in the last couple of years, staying quieter and making better—and classier—choices. Ange, on the other hand, started out quiet, and has since taken Jen's place as the blabber.

Dear Ted:
In your opinion, who is harder to work for and more demanding of their actors: Disney or Summit?

Dear Teen Dreams:
That's like asking who wrecked Jennifer's marriage, Brad or Angie?

Dear Ted:
I recently saw a bunch of pictures of Katie Holmes in costume for her role as Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis in her heyday. Hate to say it, but Katie looked, as she always does, haggard, thin and stressed. She seems to be trying so hard to be the perfect wife, mother, dancer, actress, follower of Xenu—whatevs. Any updates on the marital sitch?

Dear Jackie Oh-No:
Still playing up the happy housewife card, Kate is. And rightly so. Notice how the cutting eyes of the public have gotten a teensy bit less judgmental in the last few months? Anyway, it seems Katie's load might be a bit heavy. May we suggest dropping the dancer bit? It's getting old. And remember, she is a good actress. Thank You For Smoking and Pieces of April, anybody?

Dear Ted:
Obviously the Robsten question annoys the fans, the media and certainly some of Hollywood. Do you predict it will ever get answered, or after the Twilight movies will it fade away? Will we not know what the real deal is on the oh-so-very-real relaysh between these two cuties are until Nikki Reed or Ashley Greene cashes in on a tell-all. Just curious. You must be sick of them, no?

Dear Rob Reveler:
The words Robsten and fade away will not be tolerated in the same sentence here, E. The truth is, if and when Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's status quo finally changes (whatever change that may be), there will be alarms blaring all across town. It won't just fade away, doll, trust that fact!

Dear Ted:
I still can't grasp how so many people in Hollywood can make beard relationships work. Maybe you can help me out with the technicalities? Are most guys (or gals) who beard using it to cover a committed relationship, à la Toothy? Or is it more common that they are just after something on the side and are, for all intents and purposes, in a relationship?

Dear Facial Hair Affair:
Beards know they're in a sham relaysh. If they don't, then they find out not long after the outset. The easiest way to think of bearding is to think of all the aspects of PR that celebs have to worry about—the jobs they take, the appearances they make, their home, their family, charities, famous friends, etc.—and cross relationship off the list. It's just one less facet of fame to worry about. How invested they are in that faux-relaysh fluctuatues.

Dear Ted:
Is there any chance Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed will be tight like they used to be again? It seemed like they had a nice friendship up until whatever happened with Rob went down.

Dear On Drugs:
Sweetheart, you really need to get help, your addiction is clearly affecting your thinking.

Dear Ted:
I'd love to hear some more dirt about what was going on with the cast of Lost in the past few years. Just how bad was the hated castmember and why didn't we hear anything about it before?

Dear Lost in Translation:
What, you think the cast of Lost is one known for blabbing? Please. Damn tight lips. There are more secrets among them than about that damn island. Including: guess which castmember threw a party and invited everyone...but the producers! Hint: She's gorgeous.

Dear Ted:
Kate Winslet
's face looks different. She's still pretty, but from some angles, she's unrecognizable as the Kate we're used to. What did she do?

Dear Cleaned-Up Kate:
Other than losing a husband and some weight, nothing.

Dear Ted:
I'm glad to hear that Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream are back together. Do their friends and family know about their relationship?

Dear Dream Team;
After this long? I'd be shocked if they didn't.

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Eminem and Rihanna as a possible item? Their collaboration was red hot. I think there could be a future there!

Dear Rihanninem?
Hot. Completely agree.

Dear Ted:
Any dish on Seth MacFarlane? I'm a big Family Guy fan and think that if you're going to be that irreverent and gross on TV, then you have to have some kind of real-world experience. Am I right?

Dear Family Gross:
Seth is most certainly not the "family guy" you might think he is. But the guy keeps quiet about his skeeziness, which is brilliant.

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Photos: Fashion Spotlight: Jessica Simpson

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