If a celebrity did something newsworthy while the rest of the world was focused on the red-carpet premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, did anything really happen at all?
Because if you're between the ages of 8 and immortal, this week was all about Twiharding fast and Twiharding strong.
But it was also about marking the passing of a pop icon, saying good riddance to one of the less believable reality-TV couples out there and celebrating the Lakers' 16th championship with champagne and the nicest rims money can buy.
FANGGLORY: Capping off a week of global Twilight mania, interviews and photo ops, E! Online livestreamed the red-carpet premiere of Eclipse from L.A.'s Nokia Theatre. Rob wore red Gucci, Kristen wore white, one-sleeve Elie Saab, and the crowd was wrapped in a gossamer blanket of ecstasy. No one wanted to miss this party, from Jennifer Love Hewitt to Kristen's dad, though Rob's Uncle Vlad understandably was a no-show, and Miley Cyrus wouldn't have been caught undead there. The only hitch was Kristen's run-in with a Sharpie that necessitated a makeup touchup back in the car.
CANCELED: Every rose has its thorn. In a twist that pretty much everyone saw coming, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi ended their momentary engagement. Both claim to have pulled the trigger on the split, though really, does it matter whose B.S. broke them up, his or hers? Either way, The Bachelor franchise's attempt to get another Jason-Melissa moment on camera ended badly. We'll get to see what ABC cobbles together on July 5 during The Bachelorette.
BALLERS: Khloé Kardashian Odom congratulated hubby Lamar on his second ring with the Lakers by shelling out $400,000 for a new Rolls Royce, though all they did was leave it behind when they flew to Mexico for some R&R (leaving Kim, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie to walk the Eclipse carpet alone). But after watching this, you wonder how Khloe and Kourtney are ever in the same room together…And Scott Disick tells E! News that he's working on making it easier for humanity in general to be around him. Or so he says.
JACKSONIAN ERA: June 25 marked the one-year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death (or murder, as La Toya Jackson keeps insisting) and fans all over the world organized tributes to the King of Pop, whose estate continues to live large without him. E! News has kept tabs on his kids, his music and everything else that ensures the artist's legacy lives on, including all these items up for auction…Meanwhile, manslaughter suspect Conrad Murray, whom Joe Jackson marked the day by suing, denies the "ridiculous" accusation that the doc was out boozing at a strip club before he went home to administer MJ's nightly dram of warm milk propofol.
RETIREE: Amanda Bynes says she's done with acting because it's not fun anymore—but it's a good thing she didn't fire her publicist, who thankfully was still on hand to defend the sweet-faced film and TV star that she wasn't fired from her last movie for bad-girl behavior. Gee, what about Hollywood could Amanda possibly be tired of?
SEVENTH-INNING BLECH: A week after offending the Mets, Lady Gaga ticked off the Yankees faithful, as well, showing up in the locker room in nothing but black lace undies and a team jersey (better than this), after a loss for goodness' sake!…Her repeated breaches of protocol even prompted a response from Jerry Seinfeld, who mocked her giving the cameras the finger while sitting in his box at the Mets game, unbeknownst to him. "How old is the finger?!" he marveled. No wonder Gaga was so off-balance tromping through Heathrow.
COLLARED: Nicole Richie's probation was extended by a year because having babies hasn't left her much time for alcohol education…Lil Wayne pleaded guilty to drug possession in Arizona from the safe confines of his New York jail cell…Lawrence Taylor was officially charged with rape and sexual abuse for allegedly paying a 16-year-old for sex…Kathryn Erbe's alleged stalker was charged with stalking across state lines, a federal crime…Audrina Patridge's "fan" pleaded no contest to stalking, will undergo a psych eval…Chris Klein's drying out in rehab after his latest DUI.
COURTING: Mel Gibson and baby mama Oksana Grigorieva filed respective documents targeted at the other...Mariah Carey was sued by her vet because she supposedly didn't pay for a lot of puppy care…Jay-Z was sued for supposedly not settling his private-jet tab…Gary Coleman filled out paperwork to restrain ex Shannon Price but never went through with it.
OOPS: Daniel Radcliffe thought Justin Bieber was a girl the first time he heard the teen's music. Hahahahahaha…
HE-SAID, HE SAID: Alleged Jeremy London kidnapper Brandon Adams says there was no forced-at-gunpoint aspect to London's story about being snatched by two men in Palm Springs and forced to do drugs. According to Adams, who's pleaded innocent, he and the actor made it a drinkin', joyridin' party of two. Nonsense, says London's camp.
DO-GOODING: Larry King presided over a starry telethon to benefit victims of the gulf oil spill, particularly fishermen (or anyone whose livelihood depends on the waters off the coast of Louisiana) and animals. One Tree Hill costars Sophia Bush and Austin Nichols also trekked down there for a close-up look at the damage wrought…Angelina Jolie's latest goodwill tour took her to Haiti, where she visited kids displaced by the earthquake.
LINDSAMANIA: People in the know don't think Lindsay Lohan's former assistant would spill dirt in a tell-all book about her famous ex-boss…One deposition isn't enough for this judge…We hear LiLo really did show up way late for a photo shoot, as seen on Bravo's Double Exposure.
MENDING FENCES: Val Kilmer took back what he said about New Mexico, where he's considered running for office despite his statement that "80 percent of the people in my county are drunk," because what he really wants to do is open a B&B.
STITCHED: Gregg Allman recovering from a liver transplant…Katy Perry needing 17 stitches after slicing up her leg in dancing accident at a Toronto nightclub.
BABES: Sofia Coppola and Phoenix frontman Thomas Mars welcomed daughter Cosima, their second child...Ne-Yo and girlfriend Monyetta Shaw are expecting their first.
WEDDING BELLS: Orlando Bloom and modelicious Miranda Kerr are planning to tie the knot…Kellie Pickler is engaged to songwriter Kyle Jacobs.
UNCOUPLING: Mark-Paul Gosselaar filed for divorce...LeAnn Rimes' divorce from Dean Sheremet was finalized, but Eddie Cibrian's divorce from Brandi Glanville hit a snag, settlement-wise, now that he's not going to be on CSI: Miami anymore.
POSTMORTEM: A morphine and painkiller overdose killed Slipknot bassist Paul Gray.
BIZNESS: Crystal Bowersox inked her first post-Idol record deal…True Blood was renewed for a fourth season…Deborah Gibson and Tiffany (yes, the very ones) will star in a SyFy movie together…Footloose finally got its lead boy.
OUT THERE: Vanessa Carlton's bisexual. Fair enough.
SEEN: This gal's bare ass...Sandra Bullock plucking a guitar at Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's Nashville Rising benefit for flood victims…The sadly inedible Suri Cruise sporting a sleeve of ink on her leg…A trio of shirtless Jersey Shore guys comfortably on the cover of the Village Voice's "Queer Issue"…Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth touching down at LAX...Rihanna and Matt Kemp shopping for an iPhone 4. Did they see Jason Bateman there?