Morning Piss: Why Can't Snooki Be Cleopatra?

She's got the eyeliner and attitude to play Cleopatra, right?

By Ted Casablanca Jun 21, 2010 3:02 PMTags
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, Cleopatraason LaVeris/FilmMagic

Even before Angelina Jolie was confirmed for Cleopatra, we knew Tinseltown was going to bastardize this version just as they do most all things historical. The Nile Queen is supposed to be a dark-skinned (and notoriously unattractive) seductress. But, as usual, the suits are trying to Hollywoodize history, and so we think...why not Jerseyize it, instead?

So much more fun!

With many a Angie detractor clamoring for a darker-skinned actress (check our comment boards, if ya don't believe us), we think Jersey Shore's Snooki is Hollywood's best bet to appease the masses. Heaven knows she's got the tan for it, and she's got enough eyeliner to make up everyone in ancient Egypt (and if you're keeping score, Cleopatra was famously fugly, but I digress).

What fan wouldn't actually want to see the hilarity of Snooki ruling the Nile?

After all, this whole do-whatever-it-takes-to-sell-tickets mentality is getting tired, boys. What do you think Hollywood is, anyway, a business? Live a little, you stuffed suits.

What happened to the campy, trashy, cult-status B-films of the '60s and '70s? Every movie's got to be a blockbuster now, and the hoity-toity exec types in Hollywood refuse to deliver the occasional ridiculous feature to fans (save for, say, Snakes on a Plane). In T-town's short history, there's been much worse: John Wayne as Genghis Kahn in The Conqueror! Jane Fonda in Barbarella! Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!

The point is, why can't this film be an homage to all things trashy and absurd? A Cleopatra for the moviegoer who really just wants to have fun?

Look, this movie was never going to be good, anyway. So let's drop the ego and let Snooki take us for a wild ride through ancient Egypt! It'll be the best worst movie ever.