Angelina Jolie, Knox

Dear Ted:
Why do you criticize Angie for having her kids on the balcony? She and Brad seem to show the kids far less than other A-listers. If you are going to criticize, why not slam Katie Holmes She drags Suri everywhere. If Suri seemed to like the attention from the paps, that would be one thing, but she doesn't seem to. Is Holmes so desperate for attention she is willing to pimp her daughter out? What gives with her?

Dear Parenthood:
Oh, get real, Katie trots out Suri because otherwise she'd have to stay at home with Tom, give the girl a break. And I'll give Angie one thing: At least she wasn't dangling her kids off the balcony, à la Michael Jackson.

Dear Ted:
Just read in the Rolling Stone interview that Lea Michele has a boyfriend. Just wondering if you had any clue as to who it is? I wish it were Cory Monteith.

Dear Gleek:
The Glee star is so low-key (she's no Amanda Bynes), trust Lea's going to want to keep us guessing forever. But here's one thing for sure: Cory would be the last man she'd ever be with. And as long as we're in total fantasyland, how cute would Lea be with Glee man-muffin Matthew Morrison? Get out!

Dear Ted:
You were talking in your latest B.B. about the importance of role models. So I need to be sure: is Matt Bomer really as flawless as he seems? He seems genuinely nice, sounds far from stupid in interviews, totally rocks as a leading actor in his show (and the ratings wholeheartedly agree), is rumored to have a loving family life with his partner and is smart enough to keep his private life private. Can I, without risk of being disappointed, add him to my pantheon of celeb role models alongside Anna Paquin, Gale Harold, Kate Winslet or Edward Norton? (I've been severely burned after believing for a little while that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles deserved this place, so I prefer checking with you first this time...)
—Role Models

Dear Playing Favorites:
What in the hell are you talking about?

Dear Ted:
My rescue puppies want to know what's up with Kate Hudson. Is she seeing that delicious Aussie golfer, Adam Scott, again, on the sly? I hear he broke up with tennis player Ana Ivanovic—is it because of Kate? Also, what do you think of Kate's alleged boobie job? I think she looks great!

Dear Krazy for Kate:
I think she looks fab, too! K.Hud loves her men, let's face it. Of course, Ana didn't like it, or the fact that Hudson's been linked to more people than I can count on two hands—in the last year. She really is the female equivalent of that man she used to shamelessly trot after, A-Rod (and can you believe smart Cam Diaz is now doing it, too?).

Dear Ted:
I'm a Niley fan like you and I still believe in their love. On Sunday, a new episode from Living the Dream With the Jonas Brothers came out, and it was all about Niley. It was really cute because Disney showed Niley pictures and stuff. It was really touching. You can see it here but Miley is with Liam now and it seems like they are really serious. I really want Nick to go and hang out with Miley like he did when she was with Justin. So you think that he will hang out with Miley soon?

Dear Disney Darlings:
We Niley folk have to be tough. And even though Britney and Justin have totally let us down, we still say about Nick and Miley: Never say never

Dear Ted:
You've talked about the photo ops Angelina stages with her children, including the one where her father was featured. Her father is as much a media whore as she, so he doesn't count. But what about non-Hollywood parents? How do they feel being dragged along for the outings? Brad's parents and Katie Holmes' mother come to mind. And speaking of mothers—why haven't we seen Tom's mother in recent months? I thought he never left home without her.

Dear Normal Ones:
Are you kidding? Mama Tom's living it up in her own wing of the Cruise Beverly Hills manse! Beats Jersey any day!

Dear Ted:
My rescued Chihuahua mix, Betty, is going through a treatment to beat a parasite that ate away at her fur. I am so upset. She already battled stomach parasites four times! So, to keep us both going, we need to know, is Nelly Fang gay or bi? Love ya.

Dear Specifics:
Love ya right back, if for no other reason than saving poor Betty's life! Yech! What a rough time she's had! Almost as dirty as Nelly's bisexual flea-bitten outdoor sexcapades!

Dear Ted:
Just thought I'd share this sad and sobering statistic: "Six to eight million homeless animals enter U.S. shelters every year. Of those, an estimated four million are destroyed, about one life ended every eight seconds." Here's the source, as well as other good information for those who may find that statistic as heartbreaking as I do. Much love to you and your furkiddies.

Dear Awful Truth:
Only one answer: Close puppy mills. Permanently. Let's make it a mission together, 'kay? 

Dear Ted:
I have two babies, one is a rescue Cavalier named Atticus (after the title character in To Kill a Mockingbird) and the other is a golden retriever mix named Goldie. They are the best gift I could ever have given myself and we love your column. Do you have any tidbits about Zachary Levi or Josh Hopkins? Have they ever been a B.V.? Do they like the ladies?

Dear Under the Radar:
Both cuties are not even close to making it as Vice regulars—is this a relief for you to hear? Licks to Atticus and Goldie! 

Dear Ted:
So beards in H'wood hang for press and publicity to further their own careers, but that doesn't seem to be helping Jackie Bouffant's longtime facial hair. Sure, she's photographed plenty, but job offers are few and far between with a recent gig that really isn't all that spectacular and far from a movie role. What gives? Is she getting paid to be the beard? Longtime animal lover who has even rescued a chicken—I know, right?
—Bouffant Beard Buster

Dear Chicken Queen:
Hey, this selling your soul stuff is always a gamble, sweetheart, it never guarantees a glittering career. Hell, look at where that lesbian bearding got Anne Heche.

Dear Ted:
Do you find it interesting that K.Stew was at LAX, unnoticed, she flew to Budapest, unnoticed, she was in and out of London unnoticed and again in L.A. this weekend, unnoticed. The only one time she got papped was with Rob. Looks kinda staged to me. What do you think?

Dear Forever Young:
Seems like Kristen may be a master of disguise, since she also flew so under the radar at Coachella, no? She's pretty chill, she doesn't dress up in hot pink like Paris or carry the latest It bag, so it's no surprise that she doesn't stick out while traveling. But when Rob's there, that's a whole different story!

Dear Ted:
Greetings from the Caribbean! I live in a country, and region, where homosexuality and lesbianism is taboo and illegal (can you believe it?!), but it's a societal norm to have extramarital affairs. Talk about double standards! The few proud gays are local celebrities in music and theater. There are a lot of gays and bisexuals, but they have to hide their true selves. Anyway, what I want to know is how come, in the U.S. especially, so many celebrities are gay? Also, are some of them really gay or confused or looking for attention (Lohan)?

Dear Nookie Specific:
Agree, total double standard, but at least we have some out proud gays and lesbians in our country who aren't just doing it for show. Now, if I could just remember who they are.

Dear Ted:
I'm trying to figure out if you also post your blog on Facebook? I see you do with Twitter...thanks :)

Dear All of the Above:
I'm on Twitter and Facebook, darling! Here is my link. You can see my untouched pics, à la Jessica and Kim, unlike Demi.

Dear Ted:
Can you please look into this before my shipper heart breaks, some people on Twitter spotted Kristen at Coachella with her ex!!

Dear False:
Don't worry—you can start breathing again. They were wrong.


For more of Ted's sass, head on over to our Bitch-Back section.

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