Either Dancing With the Stars' hinky voting process is a total sham, or Kate Gosselin is just as interesting as ever to millions of TV viewers.
And speaking of shams, how did Sandra Bullock cohabit with Jesse James for so long without knowing anything? Or, on the contrary, while knowing everything?
We touched upon all this and ever so much more over the past seven days. And if you missed anything, don't fret, just let our Week in Review be your guide...
BALLROOM BUMMER: Shannen Doherty's toes weren't particularly twinkly, but she deserved at least one more week to try to realize her potential. And you'd think all those Beverly Hills, 90210, Charmed and Mallrats fans would have got her there. But apparently the promise of Kate Gosselin continuing to treat Tony Dovolani like her ex-husband a child was too tantalizing to pass up, allowing the madness-inducing mother of eight to avoid the bottom two altogether. And was Howard Stern right this week when he suggested on his radio show that Pamela Anderson ended up in the bottom two because the average woman is jealous of her? Say not so—she's our favorite cartoon character!
UP KATE'S ALLEY: Thanks to the voters, now we get to watch her and Tony interpret the Jon & Kate saga through dance! Does that mean that if they get the paso doble, Kate will lead?
IN TREATMENT: Jesse James is in rehab, being treated for his "personal issues." Which do not include a Hitler fetish, according to his attorney, who explained that the dumbass photo James posed for years ago was just a bad joke meant to mock the monster. We're thinking the issues might have more to do with the alleged foursome...
IN PLAIN SIGHT: Sandra Bullock, meanwhile, was finally sorta spotted in public. The scorned Oscar winner made a visit to a family friend's home in the Hollywood Hills, being careful not to let any cameras get a shot of her lovely, ink-free face.
VIVA LA VIDA: Ricky Martin is gay. Excuse us if we don't faint from shock, but as always, we're pleased to see a celeb doing something that encourages others to be happy with who they are.
IN SEARCH OF LOST TIME: Jin seems to be getting closer to finding Sun, but nothing about the latest episode of Lost predicated a happy future for Desmond and Penny, our favorite Scottish couple next to bagpipes and kilts.
TRY TO KEEP UP: Some woman decided she needed to hire Gloria Allred to tell the world she wasn't seeing Reggie Bush behind Kim Kardashian's back. Not that it matters, Kim's still planning to move her stuff out of Reggie's place and into that posh pad she bought, no further conversation necessary. (Just so long as Demi Moore doesn't catch her pimpin'...)
TRUE COLORS: Anna Paquin is bisexual, the engaged True Blood star revealed in a PSA for the gay rights-championing Give a Damn campaign spearheaded by Cyndi Lauper. As if her vampire allegiance wasn't hot enough.
TV LAND: Get in there and help Save One Show!...No need to vote for Castle, though...Look what we did!...Matt Damon's coming to 30 Rock...Glee wins a Peabody Award...Toby Keith and LL Cool J aren't loving the Sarah Palin juxtaposition...American Idol's done with Didi Benami...Justin Bieber is all over Idol...Backstage at Idol...S. Epatha Merkerson is leaving Law & Order...Meet the ladies of The Real L Word...Bridget Marquardt and boyfriend are shooting a new reality show...Ashley Tisdale's fronting a High School Musical spinoff...Gabourey Sidibe's going to host Saturday Night Live...Changes afoot at So You Think You Can Dance, including the return of Mia Michaels...Jon Heder's not gonna work for Will Ferrell.
FALLING DOWN, CLUNK: Lindsay Lohan is having a hard time staying upright these days, falling down in public for the second time in as many weeks while out partying. Here's hoping that the fact that she downed nothing but bottled water while serving as designated driver for her pals keeps her father off the Twitter for a while. (And he wonders why he can't get ahold of her.) Not that a sit-down with George Lopez wouldn't do Lindsay good.
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: The kindergarten teacher who Tiger Woods claimed did nothing when older students brutalized his 5-year-old self is speaking out now, five years after Woods pal Charles Barkley published the allegation in a book. She denies the incident ever happened and has hired a lawyer Tiger's all too familiar with to seek an apology. Maybe the teacher is just sore she was born too early to be included in this Vanity Fair spread.
HARD BARGAIN: A source tells our own Marc Malkin that Charlie Sheen's "I want out of Two and a Half Men" talk is a bargaining ploy to get more money when it's time to renegotiate his contract. And considering that time is now and the show's still a hit, we believe it. What's he going to do if he stops working, anyway? Stay home?
XXX-RATED: Mindy McCready has been revealed to be yet another celebrity sex-tape star, though she's not going into wide Internet release without a fight. Judging by her lawyer's gentlemanly demeanor, we're guessing pistols at dawn.
SPLIT: Nick Jonas and Selena Gomez have broken up again. She no longer follows him on Twitter. Ultimate burn.
BABY TALK: Jessica Alba says she plans to adopt.
COUPLED: Yunjin Kim tied the knot with her manager, Jeong Hyeok Park, in Hawaii...Bethenny Frankel swapped vows with Jason Hoppy.
FAREWELLS: We say good-bye to John Forsythe, 92.
LEGALESE: Jesse James and the paparazzo he tangled with last week were respectively cited for vandalism and stalking...Erykah Badu's going to be cited for disorderly conduct for doing Dallas wrong...Owen Wilson and brother Andrew have been sued...Another soap-operatic turn in the Dennis Hopper divorce saga...John Malkovich wants all the money he lost with Bernie Madoff back...Ivanka Trump's alleged stalker is out on bail but receiving court-ordered therapy to deal with his "issues" before trial...Jennifer Garner's stalker deemed not guilty, albeit insane...Ex-Idoler Chikezie Eze facing charges for allegedly trying to shoplift cologne...Another onetime Idoler, Stephanie Edwards, busted for brawling...Rip Torn soberly pleaded not guilty to burglary charges...Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's Flesh-N-Bone jailed for 12-year-old asault on mom.
SEEN: Khloé Kardashian Odom's basketballs...Gerard Butler grabbing Jennifer Aniston's butt...Gerard Butler on the cover of Architectural Digest...Kourtney Kardashian's bikini body...An adorable celebrity kid, and yet another one...Celebs-in-(potty)-training going to dance class...The A-Team trailer...The Salt trailer...The Inception trailer...Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner doing whatever it is they're doing...People named Taylor cleaning up at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.
(Originally published on April 3, 2010, at 9:00 a.m. PT)
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