Bitch-Back! Tiger, Jesse and All That Sex for Sale

Readers wonder about Jesse James' and Tiger Woods' bimbos and why they never hear about the Harry Potter kids

Dear Ted:
Just wondering why all of Tiger's supposed mistresses and now Jesse James' mistresses hire lawyers when they decide to make their affairs public? Do these lawyers promise to get them some sort of payoff from the famous person for not revealing everything? I would think that just admitting to sleeping with a married famous person would get your face in the paper, and isn't that the point? Selling your story for money? Why would a lawyer get involved other than to broker deals? And if this is so, why not just hire an agent?
—Jennifer

Dear Skank Squad:
Hey, if you can exploit your dirty deeds for a little bit of recognition and a healthy payoff, why not, right? That's what these girls are hoping for and that's what the likes of Gloria Allred promise. And she gets results. She's absolutely the go-to number for skank at the highest bid.

Dear Ted:
I love the Harry Potter kids (Emma, Dan, Rupert, the whole lot) and they seem like very stable, unspoiled, and levelheaded individuals. Seeing as they were taken by the grasps of fame at such a young age and belong to the most successful franchise of all time, it's a relief to see them come out of that sane and mature. But I was wondering, has there ever been any crazy gossip about any of them even though they've managed to keep their personal lives out of the limelight?
—Daisy

Dear Wizarding Word:
The Twilight kids, Dan and the gang are not. But just because they don't make headlines like their vampy counterparts doesn't mean they don't have a few skanky skeletons in their broomstick closets. I'm sure they'll make a few tabs with dating rumors and such when the next H.P. flick hits theaters. But they're also, how can I say this? Less interested in the buzz and more into the work (for the most part). Radcliffe did stage, for heaven's sake. Naked theater, but still, theater.

Dear Ted:
I think I know who Moisty Mohr is. Are the girls that desperate?
—Mary

Dear Standards:
You'd be surprised, or not, at what even a little bit of fame (especially with a healthy paycheck) can do in terms of getting rather easy gals to bump nasties—no matter how you look. And trust, Moisty is nothing to bump-dream about.

Dear Ted:
Rumors say that Jensen Ackles has a new "assistant," some blond, former jockey. Now that Jared is in a wedded bliss, he probably won't have so much time for "boy times" with his male costar. So does that mean, if the rumors are true, that his hot "assistant" is now Jensen's new BFF who will give him personal lessons how to ride properly a horse?
—A

Dear Mind in the Gutter:
Even if it's not true, you'll have no problem fantasizing about it, huh? You should write sex novels, A.

Dear Ted:
You never seem to write about the cast of 90210, with the exception of your last dish with Shenae Grimes. I know she's a bitch, but what about the rest of the cast? AnnaLynne McCord is "dating" Kellan Lutz, and the others just seem to be in the backlight of Shenae and AnnaLynne's fame.
—Doli

Dear 902 Who?
Shenae and AnnaLynne are definitely better at grabbing headlines for themselves—and don't think the rest of the CW cast hasn't noticed that. And you can be sure that they're not too pleased about it, either.

Dear Ted:
Why is it that when these sleazebags get busted for having one affair, tons more skanks come out of the woodwork and admit their affairs with said wankers? The first mistress to break the story gets all the attention, and it would seem to me that involving yourself in the story just calls attention to the fact that you are a backstabbing, skanking whore.
—DC

Dear Dirty Dozen:
You think these girls care about being famous for their backstabbing, skanky ways? They just care about being famous—or infamous, as the case may be. Period.

Dear Ted:
I want to know if you eliminated Ian Somerhalder as a possibility for the very naughty B.V. Nelly Fang. Folks on the message boards claim you "notted" him in another Bitch-Back, but I must have missed that one. So once and for all, is Somerhalder out of the running for Nelly Fang?
—Q

Dear Repeat:
I won't make you search the B.B. archives this time. This newly hot vamp is not Nelly. Close, though.

Dear Ted:
Could the reason Nichole Kidman does not see her kids be that they are part of the Scientology family? Scientologists are pretty strict when it comes to speaking with someone who was once part of the church and decided to leave. Literally, families are cut off from one another when this happens. Do you know if Nichole actually joined the church and left? If so, she would not be allowed to see her children, and Tom would not be able to speak with her.
—LuLu

Dear All About Nic:
Trust me, it's not just a difference of religions on this one. It's also something much more basically human—like the fact that Nic's kids aren't exactly sure Nicole really is. Human, I mean.

Dear Ted:
Very disappointed that you are hating on Kate Gosselin for working and being away from her kids part of the week. Since Jon is obviously not helping in that department, she needs to do something to take care of her kids (the earnings off the show and books only goes so far with their bills, I'm sure). Would you rather she work a full-time job? It seems so conservative of you to suggest by working she is not spending time with the kids. Lots of working moms spend at least 40 hours a week away from their kids, but then make it up like crazy during the remaining hours. She's no worse than other working moms. I'm actually jealous of how much time she gets with her kids during the week.
—W

Dear Kater Hater:
Obviously in comparison to Jon G., anyone could be seen as Parent of the Year, and Kate does have her maternal merits. But don't be fooled. K.G. is manipulative and fame-hungry too, despite "providing for her family."

Dear Ted:
Reese really was the dumper, and Jake the dumpee? He never looked that happy with her. Did you see the photos of the family yogurt run last fall? Jake looked like he'd rather play in traffic. Also puzzled as to how Jake could think Reese helped his career. Many of his fans disliked Reese—thought the staged coffee runs for the paps turned him into just another H'wood phony and thought the relaysh killed his hotness. Fans didn't turn out for Jake's last two movies, and don't see much buzz for Prince of Persia. In contrast, look at Zachary Quinto. He just needs to be seen with his dog, Noah, to get fan love and sighs of how hot he is. And his career is taking off despite the lack of a tabloid relationship. Star Trek was not only one of the biggest films last year, it was actually good. Now Z.Q. has the lead in a new Spielberg film, and is producing a pilot for a TV series. Who really has the best strategy for a good career?
—Sydney

Dear Comparing Cuties:
Please, Jake dating Reese kept his name in the headlines and his picture on all the goss sites. His fans may have been less than thrilled to put up with the blond babe, but she got him attention. And it's unfair to compare him to Z.Q. Jake carries movies, while Zach is still part of an ensemble cast. For now.

Dear Ted:
I was curious if you knew when there was going to be a Robsten reunion? We won't have to wait until they start promoting Eclipse will we? I really don't want to see anymore solo pics of the dynamic duo. OK, that's a lie. I'll take Rob any way I can get him, but Rob and Kristen together...so much better!
—Murph

Dear Reuniting:
You'll have to satisfy yourself with R.Pattz solo for a while—the duo probably won't make a public outing until Eclipse press starts. But once that yummy moment happens, you know they'll be everywhere together.

Dear Ted:
Let's suppose that a certain actor or actress is a true card-carrying bisexual. If they had a significant other, would you ever refer to their "other" as their beard?
—Steph

Dear Beard Technicalities:
Bisexualities in terms of beards is kind of a gray area. Say a stud is dabbling in both sexes—sure, his "beard" may get some loving that both would enjoy, but if he prefers his dude other half, then I would still consider the gal a beard. No matter if there is behind-the-scenes doinking involved. Is that too confusing, Steph? (Imagine living this way.)

Dear Ted:
How exactly do you get your info for the Blind Vices? I was just reading your latest one, and it didn't at all match any of the people in the B.V. gallery. Unless you've been slacking on us and had not updated that gallery for a while, I can't possibly image who that person could be! The comedian who slept with two broads in a public store for everyone to hear is extremely interesting and juicy, but I hardly doubt anyone would risk their career just to prove themselves as alpha male.
—D

Dear B.V. Blunders:
Especially with our new, skanky B.V. stars, you'll have to think outside the superstar gallery. But who knows? With celebs coming out of the freaky closet, we may have to make another gallery one day. Also, he's not a comedian, per se.

Dear Ted:
My three dogs (two rescues) and two kitties (both rescues) say hi! Is it just me or is Angelina parading the kids around, especially the twins, more than usual?
—Steph

Dear Photo Op:
Trust, you're not the only one who's noticed. Hey, Angie worked the happily married angle, so why not throw in some snaps of the big happy family to finish her press tour de force? Project Pap ain't done for A.J., not by a long (lens) shot.

Dear Ted:
It used to be that all vampires were alike. Now we've got vampires who can drink booze and blood (The Vampire Diaries) and vampires who can impregnate women but only drink blood not booze (Breaking Dawn). What's a girl to believe anymore?
—Rose

Dear Undead and Undecided:
Who cares what the vamps are drinking—whatever it is, it's working. The boys are hot, no?