Bitch-Back! Robsten Ain't Real!

Readers wonder if R.Pattz and K.Stew were ever a couple

Dear Ted:
I'm not so sure about Robsten anymore. I want to believe but there was no love at the last award show. Maybe they are just good friends. If they have that much clout, why is Summit telling them to cool it? I would never see the last Twilight film if Summit even considered recasting the two! Let's face it, Ted, I just don't think they're together—it's just a really big PR stunt to have people see their movies! I'm sad. But thanks for trying to convince us they are real. Keep trying!
—LJM

Dear Debbie Doubtful:
The problem with that theory is that it doesn't make any sense. If Robsten was a PR hoax, the sneaky duo would be staging photo ops left and right. Have you learned nothing from Gyllenspoon?

Dear Ted:
As a former social worker, I would involve child protective services ASAP and it would be not at all unlikely the kids would be put in foster care until the parents cleaned up their act. Do these services not exist in the country of California? Who the hell is taking care of Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen's children?
—D.R.

Dear Think of the Children:
Between rehab hopping and trying to stay away from those darned hookers, Brooke and Charlie rely heavily on their four nannies to keep the kids in line. But I wouldn't call child services yet, because...well, they've already visited the Sheen household.

Dear Ted:
Who do you think is crazier, Twilight or Supernatural fans? I am a fan of both but I must say Supernatural fans go way overboard with Jackles. Not so much with Twilight (maybe because Taylor was a minor until last week). Also, who do you think hates the public's interest in their sex lives more?
—Lisa

Dear Interest:
Four months ago, I would have said that Twi fans were definitely more enthusiastic, but Supernatural superfans have quickly shown how dedicated they are to their beloved Jackles. Guess it just depends on the post. As for who hates the attention more? Robsten seems to genuinely dislike the attention to their private lives, whereas the Super hotties know that goss fodder can provide a certain necessary attention to their still rising careers.

Dear Ted:
I'm wondering what's really going on with Taylor Lautner and Sara Hicks. He's always seen having lunch with her right after he's become single. Is she his permanent rebound woman, or is she actually just a good friend? Actually, are any of his relationships even real? Selena Gomez, Isabel Lucas, Taylor Swift? Any of these legitimate?
—Camdene

Dear Seriously?:
Would you take a girl you were hoping to wine and dine to the Olive Garden with your dad? Even cold-cucumber Tay isn't that naive. The two are definitely just buddies. The other ladies? You saw TaySquared's onscreen chemistry (or lack thereof)...enough said.

Dear Ted:
Since I know you'll dodge a question as to why you claim Nick Jonas is "dying to be bad" (although I really want to know), I'll ask you this: Have you ever perceived or heard of any favoritism among the brothers either by the brothers or their parents?
—LBY

Dear Sibling Rivalry:
Doesn't everybody like Nick best? Or is that just us?

Dear Ted:
Love your column! You were my original source for all things Robsten! So, I've gotta ask: How is our little Robsten couple really doing? You did warn us that they would be cooling it off a bit...but last night at the BAFTA's this "couple" acted like complete strangers! They were seated miles apart. What gives? At least at the MTV Award shows, they're sitting side by side or at least in the same vicinity. I'm starting to worry. Please reassure me that all is well in Robstenland!
—Vanessa

Dear The Real Robsten:
The duo wasn't crashing the awards to promote Eclipse, so I'm not surprised the always camera-shy couple spread out with their respective costars. But have no fear—I'm sure you heard about Robsten's supersneaky late-night rendezvous.

Dear Ted:
I guess many of us think we know the identities of Toothy Tile and Grey Goose, but I was wondering if there were any other Hollywood pairs like them out there—i.e., both dudes (or girls) are in the public eye? Also, I know fans sometimes like to imagine that people are together, like in the case of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto in Star Trek, but are there any current colleagues who are or were more than friends, and would America be shocked by it?
—Daisy

Dear Close and Closeted:
Am I reading this right—are you honestly asking if there are other closeted gay couples in Hollywood? Duh. And gay couples have on-set hookups just like their superhorny straight costars. Think about that next time you're at the movies.

Dear Ted:
"Deep Twi" must be Robsten (or one half of Robsten)! Love you!
—Statcat

Dear Not So Deep:
How much do you care to wager?

Dear Ted:
I absolutely adore Dakota Fanning. I've seen almost every movie she's been in and every time she puts older actors to shame. I hope she doesn't become another Britney or Lohan or even a Miley (even though I kinda like Miley, just a tad). Please tell me you haven't heard anything terrible about Dakota. I'd be devastated if there is anything.
—Ellie

Dear Superfan:
Judging by how Dakota spent her 16th birthday party—a low-key dinner with her family and friends—you don't have to worry about her crashing or umbrella-bashing a car just yet. Totally with you on the Miles loving though—girls just want to have fun, right?

Dear Ted:
How can people act like Kristen Stewart and Rob are absolutely perfect even though people got hurt in the process? And how come Robsten is absolutely destined to be together? Michael Angarano did nothing wrong and no one ever considers that he was probably deeply hurt. It is Brangelina all over again! Many people don't like Brad or Angelina after that yet Rob and Kris are perfect. I don't get it. The amount of effort people put into their relationship is ridiculous, it's not like they know them or anything. Help me understand.
—Wooted

Dear In All Fairness:
While Michael may have eventually been kicked to the curb, remember that they were just teenagers, whereas Brad and Jen were married. No one cried affair when M.A. and K.Stew split, unlike Brad and Ange, who weren't so subtle at covering up their on-set affair.

Dear Ted:
Hey boy, with all this love your precious Twi-hards and Jackles peeps are getting from your intense love of those pairings, you never talk about your Blind Vices anymore. So do me a fave and answer a couple of questions on a couple of older Vices: Does Gray Goose mostly work in television, and how does he keep their forbidden love child from the paps when celebrities can't walk out the door without being stalked? And how's Dashed Dingle-Dream's relationship with his own beard going now that Judas has cut him off for good?
—Blondie

Dear Of Vice and Men:
It's not hard for celebs to keep their private lives out of the press if they really want them to remain a secret—à la Baby Tile. Publicity is a nasty little game and stars are usually willing to air their own dirty laundry—although seemingly against their will—to stay in the spotlight. And DDD and his beard have the same relaysh as all bearding situations: unsatisfying.

Dear Ted:
Do Secretia and Chester have kids together?
—K

Dear Family Matters:
With all that swinging sex, how do you think they'd have time to get their little ones fed and off to school?

Dear Ted:
I'm starting to have doubts about Robsten's existence, although I'm a huge fan of both. Actually, there's no real proof of this relationship at all—just theories and gossip from a "close source to them." And besides, this weekend at the BAFTA awards they're sitting apart from each other. If I haven't seen my beau in a while and we are on the same continent for a day, I probably would want to be with him. And why would he tell Details that he hates vaginas when he has a GF? I'm starting to believe that that relationship we love is a trick from Summit. Studios do that often! So Ted, you wise Hollywood man, answer me—this doubt is killing me, is Robsten real?
—Elise

Dear Passionate:
Don't let public appearances fool you; it's all about where the duo ends up at the end of the night, which, in London, was together.

Dear Ted:
I love the Vampire Diaries. Anything going on with Nina Dobrev and Paul Wesley or Nina and Ian Somerhalder?
—Kaylee

Dear Dear Diary:
If you're young and hot and have a show on the CW, you're basically required to—at least appear—to date your costar. Call it the Gossip Girl precedent—it keeps the buzz going for the usually ratings-challenged shows.

Dear Ted:
Are Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish still dating? Can you give some details about their relationship? They are so low-key.
—Barby

Dear Ex-Factor:
Completely dunzo, except that both keep blabbing their side of the story.

Dear Ted:
What is Taylor Lautner really like? Is he really the way he acts to the press? Is he as sweet as Taylor Swift? Any dirt?
—Vancouver Girl

Dear The True Taylor:
If you really think that T.Swift is sugar and spice and everything nice all the time, then you are sorely mistaken. She's a sweet girl, but she's no angel. Neither is the young Twi stud.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering what Hilary Duff is like? She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders—or at least really good PR people who keep any bad publicity out of the light—but she kind of seems like she has major attitude. Also, what is Rachel Bilson like? She seems so cute, but I've heard stories about her high school years and how out of control she used to be.
—Kat

Dear Good Girls Club:
Both girls can have their fair share of 'tude (but what starlet these days doesn't?) and they both are known to get a bit wild on the Hollywood party scene, but they're far from Lohan status. Tho, I predict Hil and her hockey beau have a better chance of lasting relaysh-wise than Rachel and Hayden.

Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile human, feline, canine or equine?
—J

Dear Smarty Pants:
Come to think of it, I didn't say kitty, puppy or pony—did I?

Dear Ted:
I just want to thank you for speaking your mind when it comes to the rights of all people. Growing up in the Middle East, I am ashamed that at one point I was one of those bigots but, living in the United States these past few years and meeting amazing people, I have learned the error of my ways. We are all human beings and we all deserve to live our lives with the same dignity. We should all love one another and live together in peace. Keep up the good work, Ted, and if you could give a shout-out to all the silenced voices of women and all the gays who are unable to be true to themselves in my home country Saudi Arabia, I will love you even more then I already do.
—Hani

Dear Well Spoken:
I shout a big brava to you—and to us all, well done. And thank you.

Dear Ted:
I'm going to take it that you don't have anything on Jackles other than them being close friends. Was it all just wishful thinking on your part?
—Faith

Dear Day Dreaming:
Wishful thinking on my part? Honey, I know I'm not the only one who thinks about those studs having a little fun together. This story is far from done.

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic very busy these days? Too busy to play bad bathers with other men?
—Tarq

Dear Catch-up:
Crotch (and his crotch) are always busy. 

Dear Ted:
You said that Summit is celebrating the positive feedback from the Eclipse leaked photos after the storm of crap they got from New Moon—what does that mean, what crap? Also, Summit knows very well that there are certain scenes that the fans are just dying to see, so they really don't have to leak them. The fans know they will be in the movie and are going to see the film anyway, even if we hear it stinks.
—Lisa

Dear Crap Confused:
If you don't know about all the crappy reviews that New Moon got, then I'm going to have to assume you thought it was actually a good movie. If so, I'm going to suggest you go see Valentine's Day, as you'll probably think TaySquared's scorching chemistry burns up the screen.