Blind Vice: Be Careful What Makes You Famous

Seymour Plow-Me-More returns, mad as hell and scared to death

By Ted Casablanca Jan 29, 2010 6:05 PMTags
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Gosh, last time we checked in on Seymour Plow-Me-More, he had not a care in the world—other than how to nab his latest gay conquest.

Gotta admit, I've always liked that about Seymour—he's like a little kid. He just wants his boy-toys, lots of cookies, his home life with the fake wife and his that order. He's never really pretended otherwise, unlike so many other grasping, closeted gay stars in this town.

Until now.

Recently, Seymour had an unfortunate incident in his life go down, and it rocked him to his very still-handsome core. So much so, that Mr. Plow-Me-More has taken drastic measures:

Seymour found himself more than a bit put out by this nasty occurrence in his life; he decided it was time to break free from the organization that was most instrumental in his creative zenith and career.

S.P. realized, post-hard knocks, that life's just too damn short to put up with folks who are trying to micromind your every move, which is what Seymour decided the organization was doing, and most offensively, too.

But get this: The outfit that helped create Mr. P as one of Hollywood's biggest stars wasn't havin' it. No way were they at all agreeable to the notion of releasing Plow-Me-More from their Big-Brother-type biz ways, and that's the reason they brought out "the files."

And Seymour knew exactly what this meant.

Message received loud and clear: If Seymour proceeded with his plan to bolt, his former minders would see to it that every media organization within its reach would be enjoying the contents the Seymour Plow-Me-More dossier of debauched gay behavior (is there any other kind, in stupid America's mind?). Now, keep in mind, these questionably gathered documents on Seymour are as impressively detailed as they are extensive. Pretty damn daunting, all put together.

Which is exactly why Seymour has changed his mind—for now.

I dare say he'll revert back to his original desire, which is to ditch the goons who keep watch over him and break free. But when?

Before Toothy Tile comes out, I guarantee you that.

It Ain't: Brendan Fraser, David Beckham, Barack Obama


Who else has secrets? Everyone! Here are 25 faves in our Blind Vice Superstars gallery.