As David Letterman once proved to be a good idea, if NBC gives you lemons, squeeze 'em back in the network's face.
"Hello, my name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties," the possibly outgoing Tonight Show host kicked off Tuesday's monologue, just hours after informing the "people of Earth" that he has no interest in hosting the nearly 50-year-old broadcast at 12:05 a.m. if NBC chooses to put Jay Leno back on at 11:35 p.m.
"Welcome to NBC," O'Brien continued, "where our new slogan is, 'No longer just screwing up prime-time.'
"When I was a little boy, I remember watching The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' "
NBC has not yet responded to O'Brien's serious-yet-humorous missive from this morning. So Letterman, still sounding pretty scarred from the late-night wars that took him from NBC to CBS in 1993, fired back instead.