Listen up, Upper East Siders: there's no romance too sexy—or too salacious—for Gossip Girl's prying eyes.
The beloved teen drama was rebooted on HBO Max in July with a new star-studded cast and a slew of celeb cameos, but it takes more than a few binges to fully unravel the many love triangles, squares and yes, even pentagons, surrounding fictional prestigious prep school Constance Billard St. Jude's School. This is the one geometry class we're sure to get an A in.
Half-sisters Julien "JC" Calloway (Jordan Alexander) and Zoya Jane Lott (Whitney Peak) finally meet in-person after years of being kept apart by their fathers, played by Luke Kirby and Jonathan Fernandez, respectively. Yet, it's another man that ultimately comes between them: JC's humanitarian boyfriend Obie (Eli Brown).
Meanwhile, long-time lovers Audrey Hope (Emily Alyn Lind) and Aki Menzies (Evan Mock) are both secretly crushing on the school's bisexual Casanova, Max Wolfe (Thomas Doherty), who only seems to have eyes for sexy professor Rafa Caparros (Jason Gotay). Of course, anonymous Instagram account Gossip Girl is there to tease the unfaithful and sling a spotlight on any infidelities, the more scandalous, the better.
So, just exactly who is keeping tabs of all the hookups and DMs? A trio of teachers, led by Kate Keller (Tavi Gevinson, in the ultimate call-back casting) and rounded out by Wendy (Megan Ferguson) and Jordan (Adam Chanler-Berat).
These high-profile teens and their powerful parents seem to have found their match with Gossip Girl, but how much can we really know about the love lives of the elite?
Let's just say, this is not your older sibling's Gossip Girl. Step aside tired Serena vs. Blair drama, we've ranked the best (and worst) relationships in HBO Max's new—and arguably, improved—Gossip Girl. It's no wonder that the series is nominated for Best New 2020-2021 show for E! News' TV Scoop Awards.
Find out which couples and throuples are worth dropping your designer drawers for as we eagerly await the second half of the season, out in November. Can't contain your fandom until then? Vote now!
There's no Noble O here. Sure, Obie (Eli Brown) and Zoya (Whitney Peak) first bonded over their shared passion for doing what's right, but Obie is the biggest eye-roll of the season thus far. Zoya deserves better, and even we cynics were rooting for Zoya to get with the (spoiler) undercover New Yorker writer instead. Anything but another drag with O. Are all of his date ideas are either stuffy dinners with condescending rants on the side, or school-supply shopping after hours? Get it together. Zoya may be only 14 at the start of freshman year, but she's too mature of a queen for this prince of New York.
Sexy professor Rafa (Jason Gotay) gets entangled with Max (Thomas Doherty) and his dads, but Roy (John Benjamin Hickey) takes it one step further and flirts back while husband Gideon (Todd Almond) is left reeling from their split.
Rafa, Rafa, Rafa, oh how we were once rooting for you. After a dash of blackmail, stalking and of course, taking advantage of a minor, Max thankfully snapped out of his infatuation with the smoldering substitute teacher.
While we adore both Aki (Evan Mock) and Audrey (Emily Alyn Lind), their chemistry has fizzled faster than an Instagram fall fashion trend, leaving messily spilled dirty martinis (which we doubt are virgin) in their wake.
OK, so they have neither kissed nor shown any signs of flirting...yet. But you don't just cast legendary actor Malcolm McDowell for just one tense dinner scene. We know that these two are more than just business associates.
OK, so some of you may be wondering: Jordan, who? We usually call him cute yet sometimes annoying sweater vest guy, but alas, the teacher who snapped somewhat nude pics of Obie and Zoya is in fact named Jordan (Adam Chanler-Berat), and no, we are not a fan. Kate (Tavi Gevinson) doesn't seem to notice Jordan's jealousy and flirtatious stalking (thanks to Gossip Girl, that is a new common phrase in our lexicons) and really, Jordan needs to let Kate be...
...with Zoya's father! Kate may have only agreed to get dinner with widowed single dad hottie Nick Lott (Jonathan Fernandez) to get dirt on Zoya's upbringing, but we can't just ignore the sparks we saw flying across the sofa. They even spent Halloween together! Doesn't that just basically spell out ill-fated romance? Let them kiss, for god's sake!
Speaking of Halloween, we're going to get morbid here for a second and acknowledge that both Nick and Davis Calloway (Luke Kirby, looking damn fine in those cardigans) adored their wife Marion, the mother of half-sisters JC and Zoya. Marion divorced Davis for unknown reasons—presumably due to his drug addiction—and married childhood love Nick. She died giving birth to Zoya, and Nick and Davis are slowly trying to move on while honoring her memory some 15 years later.
Obie at first appeared to be over JC (Jordan Alexander) and her seemingly vapid influencer status. Yet, JC proved that she grew as both an entrepreneur and person, ultimately welcoming sister Zoya with honest and open arms. And then she kissed Zoya's boyfriend...who used to be her boyfriend...and suddenly Obie wants to be with JC again. These Lott and Calloway women need to leave Obie in the dust because we know there are better men in New York.
What first started as teasing turned into something more: Max just may become Aki's first male love as an openly bisexual man, and we're here for it. But where does that leave his girlfriend Audrey?
Hear us out: Max, Audrey and Aki have the healthiest relationship. Yes, their throuple situation is relatively new (and started with infidelity), but there is true love, emotional support and open communication at the core of their romance together, plus, let's face it, probably great sex. Did you see that dinner party scene?! Don't listen to anyone who says you have to be exclusive to be exclusively happy.