AnnaLynne McCord is opening up about her past coping mechanisms resulting from childhood trauma.
The 90210 alum reflected on her experiences during an episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, sharing that she was "abusive to herself." The 33-year-old actress explained that she engaged in self-harm in the past and entered a romantic relationship that had aspects of BDSM.
"I was opening up Pandora's box sexually without consciously knowing why I might like these things, why they might turn me on the way they did," she said. "Because our beautiful brains that put pain and pleasure together to try to help us, ended up keeping me in a body that would go on to abuse herself for a very long time. A big part of BDSM for me was just trying to feel anything in my body at all."
"I just stopped feeling pain," she continued. "The self-harming started just because I couldn't feel anything. The level of torture that I went through as a child that I now remember was so horrific that my brain said no, she can't feel, so we're gonna shut off feeling."
"People laugh and say, ‘Oh, I have a high tolerance for pain,' you should ask yourself why," she continued. "Because that's not a good thing. We have pain for a reason, it's to let us know something's wrong. And you don't win awards for having a high tolerance for pain. That's unkind to your body."
Earlier this year, the Nip/Tuck star revealed that she was diagnosed with DID, diagnosed dissociative identity disorder, also formerly known as multiple personality disorder. She also revealed that being sexually assaulted at age 18 triggered memories of childhood abuse.
"You are not multiple personalities when you experience DID," she explained. "You are fragmented versions of yourself. The reason that the brain splits in this regard, it's always a protective mechanism."
"I had this mechanism with men where I thought I had to be really small," she continued. "And it wasn't a conscious thought. Bad things happened if I wasn't a ‘good little girl,' who was the special girl, who did the things that she was supposed to do."
Reflecting on her past thoughts, AnnaLynne added, "I didn't know why I had to just give my body to people and I didn't realize that I was doing it because I was hoping that I'd get some love back." She concluded, "And I was so desperate to be loved because I was so alone and had been so alone for so long."