Warning: This story contains very sensitive material that may be triggering.
As Camryn Clifford proclaimed in a newly released YouTube video, "This is definitely going to be the hardest video that I've ever had to make."
On Aug. 21, the Internet star of Cam&Fam fame confirmed on social media that her husband, Landon Clifford, had died. At the time, Camryn shared few details about how he had suddenly died at 19 years old, but did share that he had been in a coma for nearly a week before his passing. Days later, on Aug. 27, the mom of two uploaded a new YouTube video, in which she shared with fans what had happened.
"It's a very important story to be told and it is my job to tell it, but it's not an easy story to tell at all," she began. Before explaining how Landon had died, Camryn shared that her husband had been privately struggling with anxiety and depression and had been living with ADHD. At the time Camryn got pregnant with their second daughter, Delilah—a mutual decision between the couple—Camryn said her husband started falling into a depression.
"There was other things going on with our lives that we didn't really talk about," she said. "Many factors just kind of contributed to the fact that his mental health just wasn't really great at the time."
As a result, Landon went to see a psychiatrist, explained his issues with panic attacks, depression and trouble focusing and was prescribed medications. However, as Camryn explained to viewers, the prescriptions were addictive and Landon fell into a "vicious cycle" of taking his ADHD medication in the morning to feel happy and productive and then taking his anti-anxiety medication at night to calm down and sleep, even though he was only supposed to take it when he was having a panic attack.
As the cycle continued, Landon needed to take more and more to feel the effects of the drugs. For a while, Camryn was not aware he was abusing his medications and explained that depression started to affect her during her pregnancy. When Delilah was born, they briefly felt the bliss of their new baby, but eventually the adjustment of having two children "hit us hard." Camryn took a break from YouTube and the husband and wife separately went to stay with their families as they worked on their mental health and, for Landon, to get off of the drugs. Eventually, they reunited and resumed life with healthier habits while Landon only continued taking his anti-depressants. According to Camryn, it seemed like things were getting a lot better.
However, on Aug. 13, life as she knew it would change forever, Camryn recalled going out to lunch and some shopping with a friend. When she got home, she said it seemed like Landon was having a good day and the day continued as usual with them having dinner and then going through their usual nighttime routine. Then, Camryn could tell that something was wrong. She recalled Landon apologizing to her for everything they went through and blamed himself. In response, she told him that she loved him and forgave him and assured him that there was nothing he could do to make her stop loving him.
Landon then said he was going to take a bath, which he does every night. However, when 30 minutes had passed, Camryn checked on their daughter Collette, who she heard was starting to wake up, and then went to check on Landon. However, the bath was empty, so she went looking for him in all the other rooms of the house. She found Landon in the garage, where he had hung himself.
While an EMT had gotten Landon's pulse at the house, he was declared brain dead on Aug. 18, after spending days in a hospital in a coma. Camryn noted that he had been registered as an organ donor. "He always put others above himself," she said. "Even in death, he was caring about people."
As she tearfully recalled their final goodbye in the hospital, Camryn pointed out the comforting signs she noticed during his stay in the hospital, including that he was in room 22 and that he was announced brain dead at 2:22. The number is significant for the couple as they got married on June 22.
While he did not leave a note behind, "I know Landon," Camryn said. "I know he was not thinking rationally. He's a very impulsive person. He always has been and he does things without thinking and I think he felt guilty about how everything has gone for the past year and I think he just felt like a burden and like we'd be better off without him, which is so far from the truth and I wish he would have known that. I am heartbroken. Collette is confused. There is no way that we're better off without him."
"If he knew everything that would follow after he did what he did, he wouldn't have," she said, fighting back tears. "That's why I am here to tell his story because there are so many people out there who need to hear about what comes after."