The CWWe are thrilled to report that, for another week, Riverdale continues to be absolutely, delightfully, and puzzlingly insane.
But at the same time, the insanity's getting a little tedious. Some things are starting to feel like the same weird things over and over again, and we're just waiting for the point, ya know?
Tonight's episode started with the news that Hiram has become the mayor of Riverdale after running unopposed. Hiram may have just gotten out of prison and gone through a complicated, messy trial that at the very least implicated his daughter in some shady business, but sure, let's make him the mayor so he can wreak even more havoc.
In creepy boarding school news, we now know a reason Chipping probably definitely didn't commit suicide.
After Betty snooped and found Chipping's tie pin in the room of Jughead's classmate, Donna, she confessed to having an affair with the teacher, and he threw himself out the window due to guilt.
That explanation came so quickly and so easily that it can't possibly be the actual explanation, especially with the discovery of Quill & Skulls, the Stonewall Prep secret society and the knowledge of Chipping's last words: "I'm sorry Jughead that I couldn't help you."
Those don't sound like the last words of a man who feels guilty over an affair with a student. We'd like to believe women but there's something up here...
At the end of the episode, Bret explained to Jughead that Donna had gone to the headmaster over what had happened, and then ominously said "Guess there's no doubt about it anymore. Chipping's death was a suicide, driven by a guilty man's fear of exposure. Case closed, detective Jones."
Cut to Betty in front of a murder board, crossing Mr. Chipping out. We then saw that the board was full of all things Stonewall Prep, but it's not exactly clear what she's investigating, or when.
Back at Cheryl and Toni's house, which is just about the only place they have been seen in several weeks, Cheryl was still being followed and creeped on by relatives intent on taking over the family estate/figuring out what's up with creepy Cheryl/figuring out where Uncle Bedford went.
Her solution to this was to go all Sweeney Todd, convincing her aunt and her cousin that they had eaten Uncle Bedford in the form of meat pies. The meat pies were actually just filled with lamb and also Uncle Bedford's ring, but they did the trick, and got the weird relatives off Cheryl's back.
We still, however, can't help but think Cheryl really does need some help. She's still got her dead brother's corpse just sitting in her house and it feels like maybe Toni got used to that just a little bit too quickly.
And then there's Archie, still desperately trying to open his community center. There were a lot of touching tributes to Fred here, but with that came a stand off with Dodger's family, who think Archie's responsible for his attack.
Dodger's mother appears to be the same woman who arrived at the Cooper house back in season two to wonder what happened to her boyfriend (who Alice murdered in self defense), and now she's ready to shoot Archie in front of his own mother to get justice for her son during Archie's charitable community center Thanksgiving.
Then the turkey fryer magically exploded, distracting everyone long enough for Mary to get the gun and send the intruders running.
"Mrs. Andrews, I'm obsessed," Veronica said.
Meanwhile, Hiram asked Sheriff FP to shut down the community center, and FP was like "No," and so the two grown men later fought about it.
FP then went to the hospital to check on Dodger, and shocker, he was missing.
We have yet to grasp why we care about Archie's vigilante activity or this whole storyline beyond the fact that Archie's trying to honor his dad by taking care of Riverdale's at-risk youth, so TBD on what's going on here.
Finally, can we all agree that the episode's very best moment was when Veronica destroyed her family's Thanksgiving dinner by pulling the tablecloth off the table? A classic and effective move, and we're obsessed.
We're also still obsessed with what's going on with Jughead at Stonewall Prep, so keep up with all the clues so far below!
We see Betty, Archie, and Veronica in their underwear standing around a fire. Betty says this: "We have to burn all of our clothes, including Jughead's beanie. We'll wash off the blood in the swimming hole. After tonight, we never speak of this, ever. Not to each other, not to our parents. No one. We finish our senior year, we graduate, and we'll go our separate ways. That is the only way that we won't get caught."
Archie throws Jughead's hat in the fire.
We see FP leading a search party in the woods in the rain, including Betty, Kevin, Archie, and Veronica, and they're all yelling for Jughead.
Jughead starts at a new boarding school, Stonewall Prep, where his grandfather went for a few months. He's living with familiar roommate Moose and unfamiliar and unfriendly roommate Bret. Bret and Jughead quickly became enemies, and we quickly saw that Bret has a thing for family legacies. Instead of going after Jughead, Bret started tormenting Moose.
Jughead learned of the Stonewall Four, four students who disappeared and were never seen again. Jughead nearly disappeared in this episode when he was trapped in a coffin, but that turned out to be a hazing ritual. Moose, meanwhile, really did fully disappear.
Betty was happy to believe that her half brother (who is also Jughead's half brother, don't think about it too much) is who he says he is, but we saw that he was shadily listening to her phone conversation with Jughead. He's up to something, for sure.
Jughead's dead! Or at least he appears to be in a scene that shows Betty and FP looking down at a dead body that looks an awful lot like Jughead. This scene curiously didn't tell us when it was taking place, but we can only assume it's around the spring break shenanigans.
Jughead learned a lot more about his grandfather, and there was one alumni writer who was particularly interested in that family history, and really wanted to meet Jughead's dad at a school event.
Jughead and his writing class are currently in the midst of a contest to become the next ghostwriter of his favorite mystery books, and their assignment is to write the perfect murder. Cut to:
FP barges into biology class, where Betty, Archie, Veronica, Kevin, and Reggie are all working.
"Archie Andrews, Betty Cooper, and Veronica Lodge, you're under arrest for the cold-blooded murder of my son Jughead Jones," he says.
Betty, Archie, and Jughead stand in a witness line-up, with Jughead's seminar classmates confirming that yes, those are the kids they saw murder Jughead.
In what appears to be the direct aftermath of Jughead's murder, Archie confirms that Jughead is dead, and then we see Betty, holding a rock, just like the one her dark self used to murder a cat (in her mind?).
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on The CW.