Many people on Bachelor in Paradise have had complete meltdowns on their quest for love or at least a rose, but none have melted down quite as quickly or as spectacularly as Tahzjuan. And when we say she melted down, we mean it somewhat literally. We primarily blame the hot hot sun for most of her actions.
As she reminded us when she arrived, Tahzjuan was on Colton's season of The Bachelor "for two seconds," which means we're forgiven for not remembering her, which we don't, and neither does anyone else. Tahzjuan doesn't care that no one knows who she is, and she doesn't care if anyone else is dating anyone, she's happy to step on any toes she's gotta step on in pursuit of any guy she likes, and also, she's really hot right now, and she really didn't understand that her date card was asking her to find "Tahjuan" for her, like as in, it's a pun. Also, she's really hot right now.
That guy for her, for now, is apparently John Paul Jones, who had been sent on a little break by Tayshia.
He agreed to go on the date with Tahzjuan and even shaved his entire body in preparation, but he informed the cameras that he was only doing it because Tayshia told him to, but he mostly still liked Tayshia.
JPJ and Tahzjuan mostly had a good time, though she mocked him mercilessly for eating the date food, which apparently you're not supposed to do. She was super impressed, however, by JPJ attempting once again to make a pun with "Tahzjuan on one."
They also had this conversation:
JPJ: So what is the epytomology of your name?
Tahzjuan: The origination?
Tahzjuan: So my dad's name is Juan...Carlos. So they started calling me Tahj, and then they just stuck Juan together, so here I am.
JPJ: Is that associated with a specific country?
Tahzjuan: Typically, Mexico. You know, like Juan.
JPJ: Yeah. Oh, my name is John. The Spanish name for John is Juan. This is so funny.
Tahzjuan: Oh my god, OK.
That's when JPJ tried to eat the date food and got badly made fun of, and then he ate what might have been chicken and once again nearly threw up.
Tahzjuan, in interview: If he vomits on me, we're taking a shower together.
The next day, Haley Ferguson arrived and asked JPJ on another date, and Tahzjuan lost it. She and JPJ just had a date, and now he's going on another date! She and JPJ are seagulls flying in harmony, and Haley came in and f'd it all up!
"She like, s--t on everything and now I don't have anyone to talk to!"
Tahjz then just sort of wandered the beach, unsure she could even do eyeliner right now, and she forgot how to brush her hair.
"If I pass out, don't let me go. I can still, like, you know, be alive."
She nearly did pass out, and as producers and medics requested more gatorade to help get her hydrated, she had a different request.
"Can I get guacamole?" she asked. "With tortilla chips."
Haley and JPJ had a very lovely and very boring date, and JPJ thought Haley is very attractive, like a movie star, and she's as smart as a doctor.
They made out in the ocean, and Tahzj spiraled.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm over this s--t. God they're being cute. They're over there being cute, everybody's so cute. I can't look at this. It's like everywhere I turn! It's not cool man. I want to talk to Mike, and Mike is talking to Sydney, and these two lovebirds are like, making out, and it's 110 degrees. How can anyone do any of that? It's too hot to be touching. Why are they touching? They're touching. It's hot. I don't want to touch anyone. Break those two up. This is not normal. I can't make it. My legs are on fire. So hot. No one else is having this hard of a time as me. Like, you look at everyone else and they're like, fine."
She ate spaghetti(?) in the pool and cried and cried until JPJ finally returned, and she could get the scoop on how the date went.
"Sounds lame," she said when they said they went horseback riding.
"I'm so glad you're here, Haley. Just kidding. I was like, can I spit in her wine? It was just like a passing thought. I would never. And like, you're a pigeon, we're sea gulls. I'm not gonna cry. Like, there's so much going on.
"She called me a pigeon. I honestly don't know how like, I was supposed to react to that. Does she know that I'm not a pigeon? Bitch, I'm not a pigeon."
The pigeon vs. sea gull argument continued into the cocktail party, as Haley called Tahzj a pigeon, and Tahzj countered that she and JPJ are sea gulls, and it's Haley who's the pigeon.
Meanwhile, JPJ decided he has strong feelings for Tayshia, who had decided to pursue Derek, and unfortunately Derek got to hand out a rose first. Tayshia accepted, and so JPJ was forced to choose Haley.
And honestly, we were thrilled for Tahzjuan to go home, get out of the sun, find some air conditioning, get some sleep, drink a gallon of water, and hopefully never watch this footage of herself.
Elsewhere, multiple women from Colton's season admitted Colton was their worst kiss ever (rude, but also...so funny), Chris and Katie reunited, Kristina won in that sad fight for Blake's rose, Caelynn panicked over Dean, and Hannah and Dylan continued to make out in the pool.
Demi and Kristian had a moment where Kristian got a little mad over Demi flirting with John Paul Jones, but no worries, Kristian.
"I know, but like, it's John Paul Jones. We could never have anything romantic. Look at him. He looks like my brother. I'm sure that wasn't comfortable, but I just want you to know...it's John Paul Jones. No."
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.