George Pimentel / Getty Images, Troy Rizzo/Getty Images, INFphoto.comYou see Jennifer Aniston's lovelorn, childless eyes at checkout stands every single week. It's been three years and 175 days since she and Brad Pitt divorced, yet the Aniston Industrial Gossip Complex keeps pumping out rumor after rumor about Jen's love life.
So who slapped a ring on her finger this time? What creature is kicking in her belly? And which secret organization has she joined? We count down the strangest, least-reliable gossip ever printed about Jennifer Aniston—and there's plenty to choose from.
Here's our top 9, with No. 10 left open for you to decide:
1. Jennifer Aniston Is Engaged! To Vince! To John! To anyone! Which moderately talented bloated boy will Jen almost-maybe-not-quite rush to alter with next? Batter up, Joaquin.
2. Jen Has a Chest Full of Lies! Everybody wins when there's a fake-boob story. Jen get the attention she craves. We get to indulge in some investigative ogling (in the name of Truth!). And gossip rags get to splash boob shots of Jen everywhere! And every now and then we are treated to a very special, elusive side-boob shot. Side boobs for everyone!
3. Jen Gets Angie Arrested! Finally, it looked like Team Jen had scored against the home-wrecking harlot Angelina Jolie! Did the cops cuff Jolie for nabbing Brad? Or for her role in that criminally bad Beowulf? Sadly, neither. Angie was just on the set of her newest flick, Salt. Don't worry Jen, Angie will eventually get her comeuppance for that awful wig!
4. Jen Puts Her Eggs on Ice! Tick-tock, tick-tock! If Vince or John won't take advantage of Jen's fertile crescent, then she's willing to take matters into her own hands! Come to think of it, when did it fall out of fashion for celebs to freeze body-parts? Isn't Nixon's head on ice somewhere? OMG, you guys: FROST-NIXON. HA!
5. Jen Will Be the Next Bond Girl! Given all of her bare body magazine covers, there's a Pussy Galore joke here somewhere. But let's maintain some level of dignity. Speaking of dignity, everyone knows that being a Bond Girl is a springboard into a career plated with Oscar gold! Maybe this will be Jen's big chance to go from presenter to nominee!
6. Jen Dumps John Mayer Over His Obsessive Twitterin'! Reports—dubious, foreign, hilarious reports—say that Jen was furious that John had no time for her, but all the time in the world to announce up to the minute mind-numbing details of his life. A poem in memoriam: When John began to Twit / Jen declared she quit / John was sad and Jen's is mad / That her name still doesn't end in Pitt.
7. The Jennifer ConAniston Feud! What happens when Serious Actress Jennifer Connolly and Fading Sitcom Star Jennifer Aniston are thrown into a totally awful rom-com (He's Just Not That Into You)? Nothing short of bitter hatred! Jen Aniston will toss any pillowy-mouthed actress down the stairs if she's forced to share her flicker spotlight! Will nothing quench Aniston's bloodlust? You're next, Winslet.
8. Jen Is a Member of the Illuminati! The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds and the entire cast of Friends are members of a secret society who control the military, the newspapers and the banks. They meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as the Meadows.
9. People Care About Jennifer Aniston's Four-Year-Old Divorce! Any Aniston news that's labeled as "breaking" is a lie.
10. You Tell Us! What's your fave most hyped-up apocryphal Aniston anecdote? Or one you'd like to see? Drop it in the comments!