The Bachelorette's Hannah Brown Does Not Deserve This, Lukes

Boys are fighting and it is just not fair to any of us!

By Lauren Piester Jun 04, 2019 2:50 AMTags
Luke S., Luke P., The BacheloretteABC

There have been many moments throughout this season of The Bachelorette so far when we have been in awe. 

Not only is Hannah a particularly good Bachelorette, but she mostly has a really good-seeming group of guys. Many of them are likable, they're treating her well, and they're being kind to each other, mostly. They also immediately identified the problems in the group, and for the most part, Hannah seems to be on the exact same page they are. 

It was immediately clear this season that she was attracted to Luke Parker, and it was also pretty immediately clear that Luke Parker is one of those guys who doesn't fare well on a show where the whole point is that one woman dates multiple men. He declared he was falling in love on like the first (group!) date, and clearly has some issues, which even Hannah could see.

Tonight, he was given the opportunity to play rugby, and rugby is a rough sport in every single way, so Luke P. got really rough. He may or may not have tackled Luke S. for no reason, but no one was quite sure what exactly happened.


Hannah Brown Plays "Bachelorette" Edition of 'Chubby Bunny'

Whatever happened, it took up like 80% of the episode, and one thing became very clear: Hannah really likes Luke P. Because if she didn't, he would have already been gone, and also because she literally said her feelings for Luke P. were the strongest during tonight's episode. 

It makes it so so hard to watch a season when the frontrunner is, at the very least, being painted as a villain, and at the very most, is very much a villain, with all the other guys turned against him, and all their time spent sharing their feelings on Luke P., while all Hannah can do is be confused and annoyed about the whole situation with Luke P., because she's got feelings for a guy who apparently sucks. 

This is just to say that we are tired, and this whole thing is really impeding our enjoyment of the delightful Hannah Brown, because all she can do is ask for the truth and be annoyed. We fear Luke P. is going to last a little too long for our taste, and we're going to continue to have way too many guys in our ranking gallery whose ranking is sort of random based on the fact that they got no screentime in which they weren't talking about Luke P. 

You can see that ranking below, though obviously things will be changing next week when we actually get to a rose ceremony. 

Now let's all just dream of lobsters and Tyler C. while we discuss which guys are currently at the front of the pack (in our opinion, because you bet Luke P. is last). 


Tyler C. is officially our favorite, on and off screen. His Twitter account is delightful. His Instagram is delightful. He chooses his words to Luke very carefully. He loved that Hannah was down for naked bungee jumping, even if it wasn't with him, because he likes that she makes her own decisions. He brought her a bouquet of flowers in the middle of the group date. If Hannah doesn't end up with Tyler C., we will be first in the line that will surely form (if he's not the next Bachelor). 


Well hot damn Peter the Pilot. That sauna date was indecently sexy, and Hannah and Peter just look so comfortable together. He seems fun, they have fun together, and we're very much on board with Pilot Pete. 


Garrett jumped to the forefront of the Luke situation last week, but this week he made up for it with a jump of a different kind. Even though they were absolutely terrified, he and Hannah went naked bungee jumping, and then had a really good conversation over dinner. 

Then the Luke drama unfolded over that naked bungee jumping, but Garrett kept his cool as best he could in the face of a man who was not keeping his cool. 



Mike's still there, still in the game, doing his best in the midst of all the Luke, still smiling that heart-melting smile. 

Connor S.

Connor is still there, but he's barely spoken for weeks. We actually had to rewind the episode a couple of times to actually make sure he was physically still there. 


Ohhhh Jed. Jed was doing so well, and still is on screen. Off appears he was perhaps even worse than Scott, the guy who Hannah dramatically threw out in the premiere for having a girlfriend. Jed allegedly had a girlfriend for four months before the show, and just wanted to promote his music career. Looks like he left that out of his little confession to Hannah about the music! 

Onscreen this week, he really pulled out all the stops, even appearing at Hannah's window to sing her a song. He was then in Hannah's bed singing her a song, until she slowly pulled that guitar away...But can we just be honest and say Jed's made up song about Riga there at the end was the best he's ever sounded? 


"You going naked bungee jumping with Garrett felt like a slap in the face...but I just want you to know that I will support you even when you make boneheaded decisions" is basically the speech Luke thought was going to win him a date rose. 

This man continues to impress with just how boneheaded he is. And yet he still ended up with a rose.


Dylan seems great and has a pretty fun fashion sense, but he was very much on the sidelines throughout the season. We hope to see more of Dylan in the future. 


Dustin seems like a really nice guy who got to say maybe two words the entire season, which is unfortunate but not unusual this season. Maybe he can secure a spot in Paradise to prove he's a really nice guy?


Kevin's two standout moments this season: Getting mysteriously injured during rugby, and accidentally discovering Hannah in Jed's lap in the castle. And now he is no more. 


Grant is still just the unemployed guy who brought a hotdog to the mansion on night one, and now he's gone. Bye, Grant. 


Devin, you never once made an impression and that is really too bad. We don't even know what "situation" Luke was referring to with you and Dylan. Good luck to you, Devin. 


Luke S. didn't deserve this but he's probably got a bright future in Paradise. Hopefully his sacrifice was worth it and Luke P. will soon be gone.

ELIMINATED: John Paul Jones

John Paul Jones was only ever John Paul Jones, nothing more and nothing less. We will miss him. And if he's not in Paradise there will be a revolt. We need more John! Paul! Jones! 


We are so, so disappointed that Matteo never even spoke, let alone got to tell Hannah about the fact that he's fathered 114 children via sperm donor. What a letdown that fun fact was. 


Jonathan is really going to have to step it up if he wants us to remember anything about him! 


We still don't remember Joey, so either he got very little screen time or we've confused him with one of the other guys who looks exactly like him. 


Why Cam got a rose in episode two after all his barging in is beyond us, and why Cam wasn't immediately sent home after losing it on Mike is equally beyond us, but Hannah came to her senses in episode three. 

Our new catchphrase? NBC. Never. Be. Cam. 

That said, there's no way that guy doesn't show up in Paradise. 


Tyler G. got the first one-on-one date of the season, which involved a helicopter ride and four-wheelers in the mud. He and Hannah seemed to have a fine time but Tyler G. made no impression on us whatsoever, and then Hannah announced that he had to leave. So bye Tyler G! 


Au revoir, Connor J. 


Could not tell you a single thing Matthew did or said. 


Goodbye Daron. We hardly knew ye. In fact, we didn't know ye at all. 


Hannah really likes his name and the paper airplane was a really cute choice. If only he weren't immediately shown up by Peter in his actual pilot's uniform, maybe he would have gotten a rose!


Ryan rolled up on roller skates and then rolled right out of there into the night. :( 


Matt Donald didn't get a rose. We feel sad for Matt Donald?? Seems like Matt Donald might have a future in Paradise...


Goodbye, Thomas. We hardly knew ye. 


Maybe if Brian had calmed down on the caffeine he would have been able to stick around. 


Poor Hunter failed to make an impression on Hannah or us. 


JOE SELLS BOXES. JOE LOVES BOXES. JOE CAN MAKE ANY TYPE OR SIZE OF BOX. JOE JUMPS OUT OF BOXES. And yet Hannah made the better "package" joke before he could even unbox himself, and so she sent him home. 


Scott was the guy who once ran around a mall food court like a "flying chicken" according to his bio, and he got out of the limo 

He then straight up ruined that cocktail party with his girlfriend from Monday. He could have just left it alone, but then he compared his having a girlfriend on Monday to Hannah having just dated Colton on a TV show. It was a bad move, and Scott is currently losing the most. Good going, Scott. 

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.