Hi there, people on the World Wide Web, I’m K.P. Anderson, the head writer and one of the executive producers of the show. Wanna have a laugh while your face absorbs radiation? Then you’re in the right place. These are the best jokes concocted by The Soup writing staff that didn’t make the final cut for the show. Sometimes it’s because we didn’t have time, others it’s because the story the joke was about wasn’t relevant by our taping time. Sometimes it’s because I accidentally erased it. C’mon, don’t you drink before you operate the machine at your job? No matter how the joke gets cut, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t funny and the writer didn’t deserve credit for thinking it up. So here now are the best jokes that didn’t make the show this week and who wrote them. Enjoy.
Paris Hilton, Benji Madden

Fame Pictures

Greg Fideler:
Paris Hilton’s mother, Kathy, tells the blog Vegas Luxe Life she thinks Paris will marry her boyfriend, Benji Madden. "This has honestly become the real thing," Kathy gushed. "It's a great love match, and I have a funny feeling it's going to go all the way..." Hey Kathy, Paris doesn’t need you to do a fluff piece on her. We all know she can do her own fluffing.

• At Tuesday’s copyright-infringement trial, J.K. Rowling watched as the author of a Harry Potter encyclopedia sobbed on the witness stand. Steven Vander Ark, who wrote the Harry Potter Lexicon and runs a Harry Potter fansite, said he has come under criticism from other Potter fans and has been ostracized from the online community after writing the book. Which is sad because, after Harry Potter fans reject you, where’s there left to go?

• According to E! News, ratings for American Idol are down since Sanjaya was kicked off last season. Maybe it’s just too soon.

And more, after the jump...

Britney Spears

INFDaily.com

Lee Farber:
Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident on a Los Angeles freeway last weekend, slamming into the car in front of her, after allegedly applying makeup while driving. Britney says she was surprised the makeup distracted her, after she had such a great shampooing.

• The other driver says he only recognized Spears after they got out to exchange insurance information. That’s total BS. There’s a company that would insure Britney?

US Weekly is reporting that not only are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz engaged, but they may also be expecting their first child. When reached for comment, Jessica Simpson said that if Ashlee has a child, there’s a good chance she’ll be an aunt.

Naomi Campbell

RJ Capak/WireImage.com

Tess Rafferty:
• Brazilian officials won’t take Naomi Campbell’s blood after the supermodel tried to donate at a blood drive for victims of dengue fever. Officials say that it’s too soon after her surgery for her to be donating blood. Campbell says their concern for her health is touching, but there’s no reason to worry as the only way she can be killed is if a farm girl from Kansas dumps a bucket of water on her head.

• Madonna will perform a show at New York’s Roseland Ballroom that will be broadcast live on the internet on msn.com. Meanwhile a spokesperson for MSN competitor Yahoo googled “Madonna” and “relevance” and found no matches.

• Kate Moss lost eight suitcases on a flight from London to L.A. due to problems with a new baggage-handling system. The new system: Employees can take whatever they want and the rest makes it to the actual destination.

 

Dominic DeLeo:
Dr. Phil’s practices are once again under scrutiny as some of his employees have posted bond for one of the girls involved in the recent videotaped attack on a high school friend, allegedly so he could have her on his show. A spokesperson for the show said, "In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines.” Though it’s not nearly as bad as the time he sprang the Green River Killer to shoot a promo for his Christmas special.

Jennie Garth may be the first Beverly Hills, 90210 alum to join the remake, after she quit a CBS pilot following the first rehearsal. She’s the secret ingredient that will extend this show to two whole episodes.

• Paris Hilton has pronounced her love for boyfriend Benji Madden, and her parents are also excited about the couple. Nothing ensures success like announcing to the world how perfect you are for each other three months into the relationship.
Jennie Garth

Aaron Rapoport/FOX

Darren Belitsky:
• Jennie Garth pulled out of a CBS comedy pilot and now rumors are flying that she will be reprising her role as Kelly Taylor in the Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-off. Most likely her character will now be a fashion design teacher at the high school. Garth made the decision because she wants to show the world that she has no range. Meanwhile, Ian Ziering will return to the show as the creepy old guy who keeps showing up to tapings, pocketing craft services and begging for a cameo.

• Animal rights group PETA has called off its war with Beyoncé Knowles after discovering she has ended her love affair with fur. The group even sent her a faux fur throw as a wedding present. Beyoncé was so touched by the gift that she used it to strangle a mink to death.

• Madonna will broadcast a one-off show from New York's Roseland Ballroom live online for U.S. viewers at the end of the month. Millions of men searching the internet for a “sweaty live mature woman” are expected to be sorely disappointed.

George W. Bush

Earl S. Cryer/ZUMA Press

And the best joke of the week that didn’t make the show goes to Dominic DeLeo for:

Jenna Bush will hold her wedding at her family’s ranch in Crawford, Texas, rather than in the White House, saying, “We wanted something organic and low key...Henry and I are far less glamorous than the White House.” Scientist are fascinated by this statement, as it conclusively proves that awareness you are completely unsuited for the White House is not a genetic trait.

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