Who really needs help besides the Lakers, and what hideously, obviously low levels have Spencer and Heidi stooped to this time? Plus, mailbag's in. Yes, per usual, everyone's crankier than Sarah Larson really is. Ready to love 'n' hate, everybody?

I know so many of you think it's only the Lakers who are in peril, but that's ridiculous. Folks in Iowa have lost their lives and thousands have lost their homes because of the severe flooding, and the recovery efforts are far from over. And since many Awful Truth-ites are being affected there, wanted to put out a heartfelt plea to donate, anything at all, if you can. Funds can be sent to:

 

The American Red Cross, Grant Wood Area Chapter
P.O. Box 10375
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52410 

 

All donations should be marked "Disaster Relief." Bless ya, babes!

David Hauslaib

We went to a fete for out partner in gab-giving Pink is the New Blog's relaunch at Hell-Ay's S Bar. "I like gossip blogging because it's fun, not because it's snarky or bitchy," PITNB's Trent Vanegas told us. You kidding? That's the reason we love it. T-babe's longtime b-f, also-blogger David Hauslaib from Jossip, gets a little bit more down 'n' dirty when delivering the H'wood stuff on his site, but in real life refuses to be anything but a gent. We wanted to know who pisses him off the most and which celeb he's ticked off to the extreme. "Nobody I can speak publicly about. But certainly it rubs people the wrong way in some instances." What kind of celebmongers do we have here? When we spoke to Perez Hilton recently, he came right out and proclaimed how big a bitch Rachael Ray is—hmmm, do like his unflinching honesty. It is essential, after all.

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

Kristian / Flynet

DJ of the 'mo Samantha Ronson spun at the event, sporting her custom outfit of skinny jeans and a hat, smoking throughout her set. Sammy played nothing but blah 'n' banal pop all night long, the only interesting tuneage on the speakers being her infinitely more talented brother's, Mark Ronson, music. Just another way S.R. prolly relies on her bro to get her through her gigs. Note to party promoter: You can download iTunes and play it at your H'wood party for much cheaper than Sam's going rate nowadays. Sure, you figure you'll get at least one bona fide celeb in the place, S.R.'s best-friend-for-whatever Lindsay Lohan. Except, LiLo didn't bother to show up to this shindig. Guess there's still a hint of trouble betwixt these two in supposedly, reportedly, allegedly, rumor-has-it paradise.

Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

"It's Speidi!"

 

So screamed a fan, unfortunately nonironically, around midnight, as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt rolled up to the curb outside S Bar. Instead of turning into a pumpkin like we so wish they would, Spence stopped his BMW (so obvious a choice for a show-off with cash to throw around), put his break lights on and stepped out with Heidi-hon. The two bounced to the pink carpet, took two photos ops with Trent and then hightailed it back to their Bavarian wheels, speeding off into the distance. The whole scenario lasted about three minutes, where the fame-hungry Hills people couldn't even bother to actually attend the party let alone last long enough to have a decent convo with its host.

Our guess is that the two blondies get so turned on by fake photo ops, they simply had to head back to their place and get it on, pronto.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Mike Marsland/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Regarding the "Baby Talk" email about Brangelina. Before I moved back from L.A., I worked for a fertility clinic on Rexford Drive in Beverly Hills that caters to celebs and rich folk. I met the scientist who works there who created the "sex-selection procedure." I signed a confidentiality agreement regarding who used their services (otherwise, I'd be rich right now!), but anyone can speak about the services they offered. It offended me morally. Other people might take offense too, so I think they're pretty discreet about how they offer it.
  Miss P.
  Boston

Dear Silence of the Wombs:
Thanks for the eerie tip, babe. Checked it out more thoroughly myself, and we do stand corrected. Read that it’s allowed when there are “medical risks” for the mother. That, or just a whole wad of cash is involved.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis, Kim Cattrall, Sex and the City

New Line Cinema

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to say you are dead on about the SATC movie. I loved that show, but the movie didn't do it justice. It wrapped up everything too neatly at the end. It sucked!
  Chelsea
  Edmonton, Canada

Dear Sexless:
Here’s hoping the sequel stirs up some s--t, 'cause we both know we’ll see it.

George Clooney, Sarah Larson

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Do you think Sarah Larson is going to be the one to rip the roof off of the goings-on in the life of Clooney?
  Jenny
  Los Angeles

 

Dear Clooney Quizzical:
No. She’s not that smart. Otherwise, why would she have hooked up with him in the first place?

Jon Powell, Ted Casablanca

E! Networks

Dear Ted:
Are you still friends with Jules Asner? By the way, some of us are still waiting for pics of you and your hubby, Jon.
  Guvie
  Newburyport, Mass.

Dear Team B:
Jules and I do go way back, and besides, she knows too many of my Blind Vices to have her as an enemy. And here are Jon and I in Kauai, secs after getting hitched. Mahalo!

Margo

Dear Ted:
Several months ago, A.T. implied that Angelina Jolie was unhealthily thin. My guess is that she had help to conceive. I will bet a day at the spa for Margo that those twins are fraternal.
  Kim Carlson

Dear Bandwagon Brange:
You and the rest of the Awful readers. A.J.'s skeletor status back in the day throws an interesting twist on the theory, though.

George Clooney

James Devaney/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Is Furrowed Frank on any of the forensic/crime shows? Also, I was curious to know have you ever gotten to sample George Clooney? I'm so jealous if you did!
  Sara Cutten
  Calgary, Alberta

Dear Unusual Suspect:
Sample, how so, exactly? His wit? Yes. His good breath? Why, certainly. His charm? Affirmative. His bod? Why no, I’ll leave that to poor, desperate-in-real-life Teri. And as to your first query, not the ones you’re thinking of, no.

Ron Livingston

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I think I got it! Furrowed Frank from One Surprise, Surprise Blind Vice has got to be Ron Livingston! He's been on a couple of TV shows since SATC and one fairly known movie, so he's recognizable.
  Ashley
  New Hampshire

Dear Gone Ron:
Nope, ain’t him. Think far more popular and a bit slighter.

 

Tom Cruise

Lalo Yasky/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Love the new Internet show...Truth Lies and Ted. Is that really your house? And I am behind you, so to speak, in that I thought Hillary was a better choice than Obama and  that Tom Cruise is a talented actor, though he was robbed of the Academy Award for Born on the 4th of July!
  Marlene
  Midlothian, Texas

Dear Girl Power:
Thanks, babe, you’re a right-on, run-on hon!

Shia LaBeouf, mugshot

Chicago Police Dept

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Shia LaBeouf? Every other story about the guy, he's getting turned down by the hotties because his one-liners don’t work for him. Is he really that much of a douche, or is he not even trying?
  Sassy
  New York City

Dear Indiana Jonesin:
Did you see him get bitch-slapped on YouTube? Fame can’t advance his maturity, so I guess most of the hangers-on go older.

Tori Spelling, Randy Spelling

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
This one is either too easy or you're feeling sorry for us poor ol' gossipmongers who can never guess a Blind Vice and gave too many hints.  Pork-Me Pop-Off has got to be Tori Spelling's brother, Randy. She seems like she'd rather have notoriety, and he did that (stupid) show Sons of Hollywood.  Dare ya to print this!
  Cathy
  Dickinson, Texas

Dear Torn Up:
Uh, OK, printed it. You’re wrong. Next dare?

Vin Diesel

Christian Rudnik/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
I know you're tired of the Toothy Tile questions, but I think I have an answer: "Toothy" is Vin Diesel! Correct me if I'm wrong.
  C.C.
  Los Angeles

Dear Toothache:
You be wrong, too, hon-bun. Think less meaty.

 

Rumer Willis

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Running your mouth about Rumer Willis’s chin again? Look at your big obnoxious nose, and stick it, ass wipe.
  D.D.

Dear Anal Prober:
The only big and obnoxious things I possess are my mouth and hair. Otherwise, right backatcha, sugar turd!

Brody Jenner

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Pork Me hot-ass Brody Jenner?
  Mandy
  Baltimore

Dear Bromance:
Nope, but excellent guess. Warm.

 

Roman Polanski

Franziska Krug/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Regarding your article about Roman Polanski and the 13-year-old girl he raped...If that had been my child, I would have traveled the ends of the earth to track that scum down and shoot him like the dog that he is. And I hate guns.
  Debbie
  McMinnville, Ore.

Dear Mothers Are the Best Revenge:
If it had been your child, I doubt you would have let her go alone in the first place.

Dear Ted:
Ted, I just watched your show—I have been reading for about ten years and I adore you. I’m sad you are gay.
  Tina
  Naperville, Ill.

Dear Het:
Not as sorry as I am that you have to live in Illinois. But thanks!

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