Are Justin Timberlake and Gnarls Barkley really illin' it, and why is John Mayer such a damn pro at chillin' it nowadays? Most worrisome. But not quite as bothered 'n' hot as this week's pissy mailbag, watch out!
Gnarls Barkley

Seth Browarnik/

Seems there’s a whole new way to offend people out there—huh, we just thought it was halftime nipples and morning-show C-words that could getcha in TV trubs. The new Gnarls Barkley music video for “Run” had enough watch-me momentum, with the ubiquitous Justin Timberlake taking a break from his Biel-ing round the globe to cameo as a dance-show host in the retro vid. But no one’s paying any attention to Timbo when they’re too shocked (literally) about the real star of the show. “Run” was banned from MTV 'cause the crazy optical illusions and strobe lights in the latter half of the vid could possibly inspire epileptic seizures in some people. Guess you shoulda listened to your mama when she said watching too much television can warp your brain.
The black-and-white effects fail the Harding test, described as “a guideline established to prevent TV images from triggering epileptic seizures.” The clip has since been reedited and can be enjoyed by every epileptic Eddie this Thursday on MTV, rest assured. This whole brouhaha is the best PR the band coulda wished for. Every media outlet has discussed the so-called controversial clip (including yours truly, right at this very mo’). And I bet every person who would have never heard of Gnarls Barkley is now daring their buds to watch and see who can score a seizure. For the record, we at AT viewed it twice, and we didn’t shake once except to boogie. It’s a damn fun song, trust. People got a bigger headache watching Cloverfield’s shaky cam than they’re gonna get by watching “Run” on the small screen.
Heidi Montag

Camilla Zenz/

Now that this has set a censorship precedent, think they’ll ban the next Heidi Montag vid for posing a possible threat of contracting who knows what all while watching?


Johnny Nunez/

And before we head into this week’s verbal upchuckfest (the mailbag, natch), should let you all know Eve just partied at Butter in New Yawk. The pretty, paw-printed rap princess wore a sexy little black dress that should only be worn to the funeral of your worst enemy. Evie drank with pals while the hot spot’s DJ Berrie played her songs. Eve-gal musta been modest that evening, as she wandered into the deejay booth to request some reggae music instead. The deejay complied, and she shook her byoot of a booty to the new beats. I Can’t Believe Who Else Was at Butter that night was...
John Mayer, Alicia Keys

AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian

John Mayer, gulping beers all night, cruising from table to table chatting up models. ‘Member when J.M. was all cute and humble when he first arrived on the charts, save for that inappropriate O-face he made while jamming? Just a few famous girlfriends later and the guy’s one of the most seen celebs on the VIP party scene. Think he picked up his insatiable clubbing habits from Jessica or J.Love? Johnny was one of the last to leave the joint early in the ayem, without any of his new looker amigas. Guess he went home to pick up his guitar and make his O-face by his lonesome.

Whitney Houston

Franziska Krug/

Dear Ted:
I, too, am getting tired of waiting for Whitney's new album.
  West Hollywood

Dear Diva Dawdler:
Darling, some things are worth the suspense. Houston’s endlessly hyped “comeback” efforts are one of them. So you’ll just have to suffer in the meantime. If it gets really bad, just put on Heidi Montag’s music. That’ll make anything worth waiting for.

Josh Radnor

Amy Graves/

Dear Ted:
Any chance Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled from One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice could be Josh Radnor? He is absolutely adorable, has a great sense of humor, but you never hear about him with any chicas (or chicos, to be honest). Just wondered. If it is him, the lousy SOB who used him should be bitch-slapped up alongside the head.
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Midwest Wonderer:
Darling, you’re as off as fellow Ohioan Katie Holmes’ old outfits. Sorry, Chumpy may not have the greatest bod, but he’s way cuter than Joshy-poo. Just the way it is.

Ellen Pompeo

James Devaney/

Dear Ted:
Your New Year's resolution was to give away more Blind Vices, and I don't think we've found out any recent ones. I think Death-Mint Myrtle from One Wasted Waist Blind Vice is Ellen Pompeo. Correct?
  Boulder, Colorado
Dear Skinny Skinny:
Nope, Ms. N, think far more skeletal than Grey’s Pompeo. And as we said yesterday, next week we’re revealing what exactly Death-Mint’s real identity happens to be.
Bono, Oprah Winfrey

Tasos Katopodis/

Dear Ted:
You might be the only one who sees the truth. All Oprah cares about is ratings...If she really cared, she'd give away all of her fortune to people in need. Hell, she could solve hunger in Africa.

Dear Loathe Much?
I wouldn’t call these folks so bad. How else would anybody get a braaand-neeew caaar without Mama O?

Jessica Simpson


Dear Ted:
I can't believe I didn't see it before. Sally Sedate-Me from One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice is Jessica Simpson! It has to be!
  Topsham, Maine

Dear Oh, Mandy:
Apparently it doesn’t have to be Jess, 'cause it ain’t. Our gay-gunnin’ gal’s more successful than this Simpson, and we’re not talkin’ hair-extension products or edible body lotions. Is J-Simp even a singer anymore?

Katie Holmes


Dear Ted:
Has anyone noticed that since she married Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes never shows her teeth when she smiles? I was looking at pictures of her at events, and it's always the same smile now: closed mouth (and barely a smile, actually). What is up with that?

Dear Questioning Katie:
Posh told her it simply wasn’t posh.

Heath Ledger

Kevin MazurWireImage

Dear Ted:
I've always enjoyed your column. I agree that the way in which the Academy snubbed Brad Renfro on Oscar night was both rude and unconscionable. But your comment on his not being an "A-lister drug addict" like Heath Ledger was quite a cheap shot. Besides the obvious, we don't know what your real problem with Mr. Ledger was, and is, but perhaps you should let it go.

Dear Renfro Respect:
My only prob with the late lad was the one that caused his premature passing.

Justin Timberlake

Axel/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Justin Timberlake? Why do women find him attractive? Does he have a huge schlong or something? 'Cause he is not good-looking in the least and not very talented. The promos for The Love Guru are completely hideous.
  Roosterpoot, Arkansas

Dear Obviously a Cameron Fan:
We love a guy with a sense of humor (even if the flick he’s in prolly ain’t gonna be a hit comedy in the slightest). But we also love a lad with talent and, to us, tons of sex appeal. Can’t see JT through your hate-colored glasses, sorry!

Jennifer Aniston

Jim Spellman/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to say concerning your comment about Jen Aniston only talking to journalistic outlets that give $3 million parties, I personally applaud her for how she acted, handled and worked through a bad breakup that she obviously did not want. Vanity Fair was the only magazine she finally talked to, and you make it sound like she will tell her story to anyone for a price.
  Melbourne, Florida

Dear Aniston Anguish:
Of course there was a price, which was VF agreeing to do the interview with parameters only Jen was comfortable with. That, and providing a soft-core photo shoot that cost billions and allowed Ms. A the chance to show us she’s so not Angelina Jolie, hard as she tried.

Dear Ted:
Thing is, I've enjoyed your columns lately. You've mixed it up and, quite frankly, cut down on the Tedspeak. After ranting at you for the last five or so years, I thought I'd just give you some kudos for a change. Thanks.

Dear Change for a Holler:
Thank Becky Bain, who, despite taking three years of Tedspeak in high school, told me I was in danger of becoming the Richard Simmons of goss reportage with my Spandex collection of perky adjectives. I told her I’d much rather emulate Fabio, so we’re working on this together.

Kanye West
Dear Ted:
Meeowwwch Monday! Wow, you were in such a feline-claws-to-the-balls state of writing, but I'm with you. No pity pats for them. The heat from the zingers could have melted Jen's frozen eggs. One question: Was that Kanye West, all dorkified, or was that Urkel?
  San Antonio

Dear Did I Do That?
Beats me—maybe both? Ever notice how Jaleel White and Kanye are never in the same room together at the same time?

Charlize Theron

Dan MacMedan/

Dear Ted:
Sounds like you were actually defending Charlize Theron's behavior. Really? These snotty-ass celebs need to realize they're making movies, not curing cancer. Get over yourself, C.T.!
  Athens, Georgia

Dear No Thanks for Theron:
If gal gives another top-notch perf à la Monster, I’ll give Charlie all the space and averted eyes she desires.

Dear Ted:
About Charlize Theron. They filmed some of that same movie in Portland, and when she had time off from filming and was out and about town, she was very nice to people. She went to the Starbucks in the pearl district on several occasions and was nice to staff and folks who recognized her.
  Portland, Oregon

Dear Counterpoint:
You be quiet! People love to hate celebrities, and they don’t need you ruining their good time.

Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford

Jim Spellman/

Dear Ted:
Why do you think Harrison Ford has not legally adopted Calista's son?
  San Diego

Dear Think About It:
Maybe she hasn't asked?

David Hernandez, American Idol Seaon 7


Dear Ted:
Is the American Idol nude dancer really gay? Please don't say "Duh! He lap-dances on guys!" Eons ago, when I was single, a very pretty g-f and I would go to a local gay bar to dance, and she hooked up with this hot guy dancing in the cage. He said he danced there instead of, say, Chippendales because the cash was better. You mentioned the homophobia angle...seems David Hernandez may have just been a savvy businessman?
  Albany, New York
Dear G-F Gone Gay:
Hey, if this was actually your girlfriend, and she cheated on you—in front of you—at a gay bar, I’m not the one to whom you should be writing letters.
Eddie Cahill

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Is Eddie Cahill Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled from One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice? As I posted, he looks young and rosy enough. He also played Rachel’s assistant on Friends and a detective in CSI: NY. Last but not least, he’s got double letters in both name and surname. I'd say he's a better choice (in all senses) than David Caruso, an inexplicable favorite for this week's Vice.
  Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Balmy Broad:
E.C.’s so much closer to the correct boudoir virgin—big points, babe! Just not the right guy. Think ever so slightly less well known, less impressive in the bod department, too.

Dear Ted:
I was flipping channels, could not sleep, saw you on O'Reilly, holy cow, you are more gorgeous than the last time I saw you. Is there a new romance in Hawaii, maybe Mr. Fox has gone Canadian, or as we say "up north"?

Dear Don't Get It:
Thanks, but, uh, who’s Mr. Fox? Let’s at least hope you mean Matthew, not Michael. Regardless, my man may be a fox, but his name’s Jon.

Michael C. Hall

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Is Michael C. Hall the Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled from last week's One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice?

Dear Six Feet Closer:
Another excelente guess, looks- and typewise, my sweet. But Mikey-babe is far from innocent, trust. Nope, Chumpy was—prior to getting picked up by that schmuck-face journo—not at all well-versed in the mattress department. With either sex, really.

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