Cindy McCain, John Edwards

Virgina Sherwood/NBC, Will Ragozzino/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Loved your Truth, Lies & Ted this week. What a tease you are with the box! Justin would be so proud.
—Barbara, Los Angeles

Dear Babs:
Thanks, hon, and just like Just, I insisted the PA attach the box properly.

Dear Ted:
I don't have a problem with you digging up dirt on Cindy McCain. If it exists, tell us all about it! However, I do have a problem with you not being fair and not telling us the dirt on the Obamas. I know you're a true-blue Democrat, that's your right, but probably half of your readers aren't Dems and get tired of never hearing the dirt on the other side. If you write your column for your readers, then play both sides. Otherwise, call your column exactly what it is...a liberal blog.
—K.B., Houston

Dear Fair and Equal Time:
Does John Edwards not count as a Dem? His sins ain't safe from us, believe it. And if we get any goss on the Obama clan, you'll be first to know, babe.

Dear Ted:
Does Brad have any idea of what his doomed future holds with this current honey? Do you think he'd go crawling back to Jen? He seemed to have more fun with her and smile much more.

Dear Pessimistic for Pitt:
What family photo album are you snooping in? Every time we see papa Pitt he's ear-to-ear enjoying his kids' company.

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh Lastic Brody Jenner? You said "swim dude," and you also had a photo of Brody Jenner with a surfboard.

Dear Catching Crotch:
Superclose, but yet, so super far away, talent-wise. Right look though, my salacious sweets.

Dear Ted:
After delving deeper in your articles and in others on other websites, I've come to a horrible conclusion—sure hope I'm 100 percent wrong—but is Toothy Tile Ben Affleck?

Dear Spin Jen:
Oh, wouldn't that just give J.G. a kick in her softer spots, which, of course, don't exist, so what the ef are we talking about? Right age and acting oeuvre, wrong dude.

Dear Ted:
Those yellow haters are prolly in a bad mood because they have pink or blue wallpaper at home. The pink will drive you to a freak out, and the blue is too cold. Experts say yellow is known to uplift the mood. The bitchers need to keep your page open all day.

Dear Wallpaper Worshipper:
We prefer floor-to-ceiling windows, but yellow's a good second choice.

Dear Ted:
I personally like the new format and love Truth, Lies & Ted. I find it easier to read. Everyone needs to get over it. Why are Americans so afraid of change?

Dear Think About It:
Look who our president is.

Dear Ted:
As promised, I hung in there and hot dang! I got the hang of it and am now a Texas tornado at navigating through this thang. Never minded the colors yellow and purple, actually quite nice. So just goes to show, patience does pay off.

Dear Patience Makes Perfect:
Thanks, Coco, you're sweeter than a cup of yourself.

Dear Ted:
If there's one thing I learned when I started out that has held me in good stead, it is to admit it when the folks are right and I'm wrong. It seems to me you're sitting there like a naked jaybird on a yellow fence pole, giddily imploring the folks to hang on, they'll get used to the new format. What you don't seem to see is that the folks took one look at that yellow, grabbed their stomachs and ran in the opposite direction. In short, the grand experiment is a colossal failure. Return to your old format.
—Vince, N.J.

Dear Look Above:
You probably think Jen should go back to Vince, too, I would imagine.

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain

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