Britney Spears, Lynne Spears

Steve Granitz/

Some things never change, like malcontents and Mondays. Our new format could change a billion times, babes, and we’d still make time for bitchy beginning-of-the-week musings, here goes:

Mother, May I Not: Lynne Spears’ self-penned tome, Through the Storm, chronicling the chaotic ordeal it is to parent two famous tots through tabloid dreck, is finally being released. And yet the brave, strong Spears mamacita is still wagging her finger at the paps who document her little girls’ lives daily. Allow us to laugh uproariously at the hypocrisy here, ‘K? You are the one who created this, Lynn. You are the one getting the richest off your cute li'l commodities, not the paps or the goss rags. And, pray tell, what are we supposed to learn from you, how not to raise a kid without underage pregnancies, rehab stints and mental-ward visits as a rite of passage? We’d rather read a memoir from the polygamists wives, fer sure.

Hayden Panettiere, Nikki Blonsky

Gregg DeGuire/WireImageGregg DeGuire/WireImage, Jamie McCarthy/

Daddy’s Little Embarrassed Girl: At least Lynne or Jamie Spears are only guilty of exploiting their kids, as opposed to something more venomous and violent. Hayden Panettiere’s papa, Alan, was arrested on Sunday on charges of spousal abuse against H.P.’s stage mama, Lesley, after Les allegedly “disrespected” Al by speakin’ to another man at a Hell-Ay happening. Hairspray’s Nikki Blonsky’s father allegedly gets in fisticuffs with a lady, now the Heroes’ hottie’s dad is hitting up his missus? Not only is violence against woman way wrong, obvs, but do these daddies know how much damage their doin’ to their daughters’ careers? Think before ya slap, fellas. Don’t let your promising offspring become a-holes through association.

Katie Holmes

Edward Opinaldo,

No More '90s, Dude: Last and least, style-wise, on our pissed list is absolutely everything Katie Holmes has worn in the past week, par-tick on her way in ‘n’ out of her B’way rehearsals. Rolled up denim, baggy blah frocks and ginormous jeans that could swallow Tom whole. Is this the fashionista we’ve come to know and tolerate? What’s worse, other femmes are picking up on the grungy trend, which means we’ll be forced to see flannel at every H’wood fete like it’s 1994 again. Wake us up when 2008 comes back into style.

Blog Bashers: There’s a whole lotta bad vibes coming at us 'cause of our mass makeover—see for yourself in the comments (if ya already aren’t one of the haters out there). Gossip’s supposed to be good, dirty fun, folks. You’ve stuck with the A.T. this far, and we thank ya for it. But blogging—blolumning?—ain’t the end of the world. We swear the snit-fest ya love ‘n’ hate to read so much won’t get teched to death in this glossed new form. Once a snark, always a snark.

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