Joel McHale, Mail Nurse

E! Network

Welcome, dear hearts, to our freshly renamed Q&A column. While the name and accompanying photo may have changed, some things will always stay the same. Our first question, for example.

Xpinkcheesemuffinx asks: Do you have a studio audience type deal? Can I come see a show?
So nobody ever reads this, then? OK. In that case, passenger pigeon salad bar vampire yogurt stick. Ten thousand government cheese bicycle pump gabardine. Bear cub gravy boat? Hausfrau temperature tree parachute denouement. Am I right?

Bonoferox asks: Hello, How would one go about obtaining an autographed photo of the charming and brilliant Joel McHale? Even when on my honeymoon a couple of weeks ago, we stopped at 10 p.m. and turned on the Soup.
Pandering flattery is always a good start, Bonoferox. But we suggest bringing a Polaroid camera and a silver ink Sharpie pen to any of Joel's upcoming stand-up comedy appearances! To find out if Joel is coming to a city near you, just take a perusal of this exceptionally well-written blog entry.

gayla.schill asks: Hey, is there any chance Joel will be coming to North Dakota? I wouldn't even care how much he makes fun of us, I am willing to sacrifice my state's dignity in order to see him!
That's a bit like us offering to sacrifice our Soloflex machine, in that we've never used it either. Ha ha. We love you North Dakota! Joel is planning a huge amount of dates for the fall and he will make every attempt to visit each and every city and state that is willing to pay him to do so.

Tila Tequila

Fame Pictures

christynoel72 asks: why do you torture us with scenes of Tila Tequila? The other night I was watching and you showed her eating a pickle in a seductive manner in front of someone's father, then to top it all showed her making out with an entire family! My husband is out at sea right now therefore these clips did not help me out in any way.
Though we're not sure that we totally understand the full and complete meaning of your final sentence, we feel your pain in re Tila Tequila. We don't know if you're an advocate of schadenfreude but, if so, perhaps you can ease your suffering a smidgen with the knowledge that while you are only subjected to a few moments—admittedly, the worst—our poor, beleaguered writer Tess Rafferty is forced to endure the entire show each and every week, from start to finish. Hence, the drinking.

Mywhitestripes asks: ok I have a question. You know how Joel is mean to his coworkers sometimes in the show, is he like that in real life? I hope not. I love Joel and The Soup!
Despite what you may have seen on the show or read here in this blog, Joel McHale is the soul of generosity and kindness. It says so right here in his self-published instructional pamphlet, What to Say About Me, Joel McHale.

Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey

Harpo Productions

yarisha1 asks: does joel like oprah winfrey?
What? Of course he does! Who doesn't? Are you kidding? Ha ha ha! Are you trying to get us in trouble here? Cut it out.

kimg777 asks: Where does yo gabba gabba live?
They live inside your television, kmig777, like all of the rest of your friends.

helnlfrihjvoeanvo asks: Do you think Britney will EVER be back on top?
On top of what? Half a plate of nachos? Definitely.

Alisonbyre asks: what's avril lavigne's email address?!

snybny74 asks: Joel, listen...I don't know why you are torturing me with the whole whispering thing for "Reality Show Clip Time" but it's killing me. I suspect you and my husband are working together because he loves it. You screaming unintelligibly is my favorite part of the whole show.

alyoung19 asks: When Joel shouts "REALITYSHOWCLIPTIME," it gives me a joy I cannot even begin to express. Please bring back the screaming Joel...I want the scream!
Little did Joel know what a depository of annelids he unsealed by forgoing the customary shout at the beginning of the RSCT segment. We informed him that the absent shriek was causing all sorts of rannygazoo among the loyal fanbase, and, perhaps needless to say, he has promised to never ever not do the same exact thing over and over again. Consistency will be our watchword from now on regardless of what the august and revered Ralph Waldo Emerson has to say on the subject. Watch tonight!

Joel McHale

E! Networks

Abigailkatemiller asks: I was at a wedding in Buffalo, N.Y. this May and overheard some people talking about The Soup. One person said "I think Joel McHale is the only person in Hollywood we can trust." I couldn't agree more. Keep up the good work.
While it's always amusing to hear that people are still getting married, if what you say is true—if Joel really is the sole trustworthy person in Hollywood—then we should probably stop holding out hope that Mariska Hargitay will ever return our ice cube trays.

emdarlin18 asks: So, I want to marry you Joel, but I understand you have a wife and kids, so whenever it's convenient for you, just let me know ;) Haha jk, that would be terrible because I'm underage. Call me Ha Emily
Regardless of last week's verdict in the R. Kelly trial, Joel remains happily married to an adult woman—which is really where it's at, right dudes? Also, admitting that you are underage kind of defeats what we assume to be the purpose of your handle, emdarlin18.

pheme96 asks: Hey, i love your show sooo much, it makes me laugh so hard, and all my family and friends love the show also. Joel is sooo funny, i think the soup is the funniest show on tv. i want to thank you for making tv funny again, and my question is," How do you find all of these funny shows, because some of them i never heard?" Thanx!
Thanks for the question, pheme96. We discover TV shows the same way anyone else does, via word of mouth. Specifically, we keep a staff of hundreds captive in a dimly lit bunker, two miles below the Earth's surface, belted and buckled to cast-iron benches. Their eyes are kept pried open and they are force-fed caffeinated tuna fish. When something noteworthy appears on any of their monitors, they press a small, white button surgically implanted in to the underside of their palms. If we deem the clip to be worthy of further review, the subject is rewarded with one million dollars.

The Soup - Behind the Scenes: Bret Michaels, Joel McHale

E! Networks

Seayjoel asks: Is the show filmed in front of a real audience or is it just in front of a green screen with a production crew?
Everything is real from the audience to the production crew to the set in the background. The only thing that we green screen is Joel. Before each show, the actor playing Joel McHale changes into a bright green bodysuit, effectively rendering him invisible to our chroma-keyed cameras. Using motion-capture techniques invented by NASA we are able to "paint" a realistic three-dimensional portrait of a living human being over the stand-in model. If you saw any of The Lord of the Rings films, it's exactly the same method used for the character of Gollum, only in reverse.

Tom Hanks

Paul Fenton/ZUMA Press

little_claudina asks: Hi, I have some nice photos of Tom Hanks in Rome, are you interested? Where can I send them?
Your timing could not possibly have been any better, little_claudina! The Soup is just a few days away from shooting the pilot of our very first spinoff, provisionally titled Looking at Photos of Tom Hanks. We don't have a network lined up yet—though BET has expressed no small level of interest—but we're both optimistic and deluded about the project. So yes, we are very interested. Very interested. Please send your Hanks snaps to Looking at Photos of Tom Hanks c/o our offices inside The Sizzler on Hollywood and Hobart in Little Armenia. Thanks for T. Hanks!

jk asks: Is there any way u can do "Hit Reply" more than once a week because i am tired of waiting for my questions to be answered! none of my questions EVER get answered!

Bulletwoutbutterflywings asks: Are most of the questions you get real, or do you make some of them up? Either way they are very entertaining, almost as entertaining as the show.
Thanks for the almost kind words, Bulletwbw. Yes, all of the questions that we answer here are absolutely real, except for yours.

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