Smell that? Highly publicized love is in the air, and it reeks of Mariah Carey's perfume. In honor of Ted 'n' Jon's nuptials, we've got marriage on the mind—along with every celeb in T-town it seems like. The only difference is that the Casablanca wedding album won't be published in Us Weekly. Slip on an engagement ring, raise a glass of champs for Ryan and Scarlett, and read on!
Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon

Nancy Kaszerman/Zuma Press, Seth Browamik/

Everybody give the evil genius that is Mariah Carey a slow clap. This diva is devious! Just to trump her music rival Madonna's new album, gal eloped with her freshly picked beau, Nick Cannon, keeping all the rumormongering attention on her newly svelte self. OK, so maybe Mar and Nicky-boy (emphasis on boy) are truly in love and got swept up with all that sunshine in the Bahamas. Just hope she plans and schedules a pregnancy around the release of E=MC cubed.  

Everyone thought, with all the rush and excitement of sticking it to Madge, that Care-bear had forgotten to sign a prenuptial agreement protecting all the money she made from her hit singles and her last marriage to Tommy Mottola. 'Course, M-babe might occasionally dress like a bimbo, but she's far from being one—bless her bevy of bling, Fox News reported that the newbie bride signed one before tying the knot. 'Cause what in the hell could be stupider than this sexy and über-successful soprano signing away a lifetime of moolah? Let's see!

Ten Things Stupider Than Mariah Carey Ever Getting Married Without a Prenup 

10. The audience, after sitting through a Glitter / Tennessee double feature.

9. The ladies from Flavor of Love teaching a class in etiquette.

8. The cast of The Hills discussing politics.

7. Nick Cannon regifting an engagement ring.

6. Movie titles that are also puns. Made of Honor, Maid in Manhattan...sensing a trend here?

5. Wheeling an ice cream cart while speaking in gibberish on TRL.

4. John Mayer's new tattoo sleeve.

3. Every M.C. album name—Daydream, Rainbow, Butterfly, Charmbracelet—that is not a theory of relativity.

2. Single-celled paramecium. (Although they do produce their own food, and I can’t even do that without blowing up my microwave, so how stupid can they be?)

1. Mariah Carey getting married with a prenup. A former teen actor from a Nickelodeon show? Seriously, Mimi? Were Drake and Josh already taken?

Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson

Paul Warner/

Mimi ain’t the only singer simultaneously pimping out her private life to promote her public persona. Pete Wentz proposed to No. 1 groupie Ashlee Simpson the same week Fall Out Boy dropped a new live concert CD/DVD, which just happened to be a few weeks before Ash’s Bittersweet World came out (and got beaten up on the Billboard charts by a folk-comedy album, ouch).
Scarlett Johansson, Ryan Reynolds

Lester Cohen/

And now adorable duo Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are engaged. So why make the formal announcement now, espesh when you’ve reportedly been itchin’ to get hitched for a while now? Why, egad, ScarJo’s Tom Waits cover album, Anywhere I Lay My Head, is going to be released May 20! But she wouldn’t dare use marriage as a way of marketing her music, would she? 

Feels like every event in a celeb’s career is preempted by some sort of juicy gossip? All this shameless not-so-subtle promotion reeks of a product too poor to succeed on its own merits—a baby bump or some engagement bling is what's used to keep a name in the news, lest we all forget someone exist. Well, using the logic that Private Life Event + Upcoming Album/Movie = Awesome Opportunity to Exploit Everything About Yourself, let’s look into the future to see who might be the next T-towner to make a "very special" announcement...

Cyndi Lauper

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Cyndi Lauper
Album: Bring Ya to the Brink, May 27
Cyndi’s been off the mainstream scene for way too long (‘cept for her sensational True Colors tour), so she’s gonna have to work triple hard to promote her new tunes. We’re talkin’ sex tapes, DUIs, alleged affairs, baby bumps, public meltdowns, getting a star on the Walk of Fame...the whole shebang. Nothing’s too salacious if it sells!
Jonas Brothers

Eugene Gologursky/

Jonas Brothers
Album: TBA, July 8
Most of these fellas are still way underage, so don’t expect any Hanson-style offspring to be sprung from these boys in anticipation of their all-new album. The littlest one growing facial hair is enough reason to send out a press release.
Solange Knowles

AP Photo/Matt Sayles

Solange Knowles
Album: Sol-Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams, Aug. 26
Sol-hon’s prolly gonna ride her sister’s wedded bliss all the way to the bank, so she can keep her own private affairs to herself without preparing her publicist. She should, however, just rename her album I’m Related to Beyoncé and call it a day.
Got a burning Q you desperately need put out and can't wait for Casablanca to get back? Don't stop, drop and roll, email Becky and she'll do her best to answer all your angry letters and quippy comments.
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