Oh, Dr. Phil, what’s that lurking in your past? Which is sweatier, your past pro endeavors or your accusers’ brows? Tough call there, we’re sure. And what the ef’s that sexy Pete Wentz up to? Ashlee, don’t you have that baby of yours on a leash yet?
Mary Hart, Golden Globes

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

Before we get to the big-butt blowhard himself, wanted to pass along some totally nasty-ass news: ICM’s pink-slipping a major part of its workforce, due to the apparently unending writers' strike (which, we’re being told, is more and more likely to cause the ’08 Oscars to be curtailed or canceled entirely), and ABC, where Desperate Housewives is getting even more so, is doing the same.

Where the hell will all this end, already? With Mary Hart doing a Housewives gag on ET—as some sort of makeshift fill-in skit? Oh, wait, she already does that.

Dr. Phil

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Dr. Phil is grinning from ear to ear (that’s about three miles' diameter across his big fat head) with the amount of publicity he’s getting from all the Britney booby-head biz. And we’re only fueling the ire by discussing Doctor Dubious, sorry. But all press is good press when you play a doc on TV, n’est-ce pas? What’s gonna happen, they’re gonna take away the medical license he doesn’t exactly have?

That’s right, lest you forget, the moniker “Dr.” can be prescribed for those who are actually trained medical professionals, as well as those who just get Ph.D.'s—and daytime talk shows! And you don’t need four years of med school to call your show any damn thing ya like, if it's entertainment, of course.

Philly Cheesesteak got his start interning in the shrink arena by doing one-on-one therapy sessions while, we kid you not, doing construction and reportedly selling gym memberships. (Micky D’s wasn’t hiring?) His therapy practice ran into a little woops in 1989, when McGraw got in some trubs with a 19-year-old client of his. She claimed her relationship with the doc was “sexually inappropriate,” although Phil insists his innocence...besides the part where he gave the young girl a job, a def no-no.

The pre-Hollywood Phil McGraw didn’t get any star treatment when he was ordered by the appropriate regulating body to “take an ethics class, pass a jurisprudence exam, complete a physical evaluation, undergo a psychological evaluation and have his practice supervised for one year in order to continue his private practice in Texas.” What did the doc do as a result? Close up shop and run to another city!

Britney Spears

X17Online.com

Turns out, Dr. P still ain’t licensed to practice psychology, on daytime TV or anywhere else, or didn’t you already know that? Doubt Britters or the Spears clan knew any of this imperfect past when they decided Dr. P was the man to help out with her supposedly still being planned intervention. Just a hunch, nothing more.
Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson

Paul Warner/WireImage.com

Lest you think I’m a Jaded Jenny, I can get in touch with my emotions—emphasis on the emo. We checked out the scene at a private acoustic minishow by Panic at the Disco—one of those oh so popular guy-liner bands gracing the front of every teenage girl’s Trapper Keeper and in heavy rotation on MTV—in between marathon showings of The Hills, natch.

The boys (and I do mean boys—all four members’ ages range from 20 to 22!) were on hand to promote their upcoming album, along with headlining the 2008 Honda Civic Tour...which probably required a signed permission slip from their parents. After the young'uns sassed the crowd with some new tunes, none other than Fall Out Boy-toy Pete Wentz decided to appear, wearing his standard uniform of a hoodie, a cocksure smirk and a visor of flat-ironed hair covering half his face like he’s the Phantom of the Emo.

I’m surprised he even had five minutes to spare apart from running his own label, designing his own clothing line and stroking Ashlee’s ego. It’s a full-time job romancing a Simpson!

So, are the Panic boys enjoying their Young Hollywood status by frequenting the hottest hangouts, everywhere from Hyde to Promises? “We’re from Vegas...we were doing all that stuff by 12 and 13. At this point we’re, like, 45-year-olds,” says bassist Jon Walker. “Whenever we’re in L.A., we’re doing work. We spend too much time writing songs.” That never stopped fellow bassist Wentz from tearing up the town and stepping out with starlets—you boys better learn to multitask, pronto.
Jimmy Fallon, Nancy Juvonen

Paul Fenton/ZUMA Press

Jimmy Fallon (yes, we just opened up the SNL alumni arsenal) exchanged I-do’s just a few weeks ago with Fever Pitch costar Drew Barrymore’s producing partner, Nancy Juvonen. Hopefully J.F. was able to recite his wedding vows without breaking into fits of laughter like his typical “professionalism,” exhibited during old SNL skits. Seems like Jimmy-boy’s got a thing for powerful producer ladies...Our supersecret sources say Fallon was rather attentive toward a producer on his upcoming movie, The Year of Getting to Know Us, until before his nuptials!

Now the burned Betty’s gotta suck up her sorrow and play nice with the smallish dude, since their flick’s headed to Sundance. But why try and hide the bad vibes? Drama sells. Mr. & Mrs. Smith would have been just a run-of-the-mill action movie if it weren't for the Jennifer-Brad-Angie controversy surrounding it, 'course. (Then again, Jimmy Fallon is no Brad Pitt. At. All.)

If they know what’s good for them and the film’s fate, Fallon and his old whatever should throw mimosas and snowballs in each other’s faces for all of Park City to see.

Conan O'Brien

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Jimmy’s rumored to be taking over for Conan when the riotous redhead moves over to The Tonight Show in '09, but somebody needs to tell Jimmy a sense of humor isn’t the only requirement of a late-night talk-show host. You also need some class. Take a few lessons before you expect me to tune in every night.
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