Some folks sure are anxious for Lindsay to ditch her brand-new sober life, wonder why? Plus, we muse about what's behind David Duchovny's mojo-charged comeback, check in on Kiefer Sutherland's well-deserved sentence and wonder who decided Mary-Kate Olsen was fashionable!
Lindsay Lohan

Jeff Vespa/

Oh, we ain't seen nothin' yet.

Remember how our Desk Debauched (which consists of gals who hang tight with Lindsay Lohan) told us that Ms. L, fresh from rehab, couldn't wait to get reacquainted with some of her old Hell-Ay hangs, including Hyde and the Ivy? Wonder if that goss item—plus yesterday's baby about how Lindsay was tearing up the club scene in Utah last Friday—is what caused some East Coast radio stations on Tuesday to report puzzled queries of whether or not Ms. L had already re-re-relapsed? Dunno. Do know that upon checking back with our Utah spies, a few of whom witnessed L2 partying at the Hotel, a music club at Sundance, that Dina and Michael's eldest was making no secret of refreshing herself. But like we said yesterday, that coulda just been a buttload of Diet Rock Star, right?

Regardless, get ready for Countdown to Comeback (to the hang-hard headlines, that is).

"She's dedicated to it," blabbed Desk D to us, just secs ago. 

Just do it sober, babe! And one word of advice I'm sure you'll toss out the window of your speeding Mercedes, pronto: Britney.
David Duchovny

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

Before we get to a dude who’s makin’ 'em talk in an entirely diff (and heated) fashion, let’s check in on the former Mr. Mulder. Now, we snoops here at Awful, a virtual station of chargin’ celebrity trains, both derailing and not, are wondering what the ef’s driving David Duchovny’s sudden rebirth in the talent department. As we mentioned last week, D2’s turn (albeit short) in the Halle Berry-Benicio Del Toro flick, Things We Lost in the Fire, is like nothin’ this dude’s turned in fer ages. Real fire-down-below material. And then there’s Californication, for which Duchovny shakes, struts and shocks.

Clearly, Davey’s outta his Queer Duck phase.

But what’s drivin’ it, we wonder? Where’d you get this sudden new ballsy breath o’ life, David darling? The agents at ICM whom we (unofficially) polled with our little artistic query didn’t seem to know anything terribly specific. But those agents’ assistants sure did! Hey, the babes who answer the phones always know where the s--t’s at, no matter which pro joint it is.

Yep, turns out David’s got himself all heated 'n’ hot/bothered in life again! Thought somethin’ was up. Téa, darling, you must be red-cheeked with emotion! Congrats!

Kiefer Sutherland

Jesse Grant/

Poor Kiefer Sutherland, getting treated just like Paris Hilton by that mean Hell-Ay judge. The nerve of the boozy boy having to do actual time behind bars! Who does the law think Kiefey is? One of the little people or somethin’? Seriously, this is Sutherland’s friggin’ fourth booze bust, and it’s a damn blip on the goss radar. Lindsay’s getting crucified for (slightly) less, what’s up with that? Simply a less-glam fall from grace or misogyny alive and well in T-town? Both, prolly.
Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban

Kevin Mazur/

Also, interesting that the Association for Addiction Professionals (NAADAC) just had me over to speak at its conference in Nashville, outside of which Nicole and Keith were putting on just too much of a domesticated show, if you ask this clean and sober snoop.
Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan

James Devaney/, Jeff Vespa/, Jamie McCarthy/, Amy Graves/

But the NAADAC shrinks were all screaming one thing at my booze-free ass: “How the hell do we get the message of sobriety out there with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan always out of control?”

Had to really think about that one, as the rags and column bitches (this one included) are always going to go for the Mercedes-slamming screamers over some nonalcoholic sweetums—just the nature of the biz. But a campaign of sorts sure as hell wouldn’t hurt. Shall we get Kiefer to start it off, something with the seen-it-all slut sitting poolside, sipping a Virgin Mary with his sexlicious hangers-on dripping all over his too-white puss under a slogan that reads, “Got Sobriety?”

Nah, I’d drink, too, if that were my only option. Readers, any ideas for an ad theme to keep people from drugging/starving/boozing themselves to death in Hollywood? We’re all helpful ears here at Awful!

Cisco Adler

Gregg DeGuire/

Cisco Adler, getting a girl to lose her shirt. The rocker was deejaying at Tenjune in New Yawk after performing, and a female fan took off her shirt in hopes of getting the attention of Mischa's leftovers. Surprisingly, it didn’t seem to work. Maybe that’s because Lydia Hearst, whom C.A. is rumored to be dating, was in the house. The svelte megaheiress was sharing a bottle with her g-friends and went over to say hi to Cisco earlier in the night. Sober sources say she left alone, around two ayem, and left a “very generous tip.” Wonder if that was so she could call back and check up on what went down after she bailed? Def not an item are...
Jessica Simpson

James Devaney/

Jessica Simpson and Orlando Bloom. One rag reported the two of them were backstage together at the Hennessy Artistry Event last week, but more in-the-know Cupid types claim this pairing is “categorically untrue,” and neither of them were there. Jess did make the scene Saturday night for the GQ Lounge party at Teddy’s, hanging with her sis, Ashlee, and Cheri Oteri, her Major Movie Star costar. Ash’s main mush man, Pete Wentz, was on the turntables at said do and doing a fairly decent job deejaying while his gal lovingly looked on. Barf-o-rama! Less daring peeps spotted elsewhere include...
Elisabeth Shue

Phil Han/

Elisabeth Shue and her hub-unit, Davis Guggenheim, takin’ two of their kids to the Smarthouse housewarming party. The fete was held in Venice on Thursday night. Davis, who directed An Inconvenient Truth, was gushing about how thrilled he was that his producing partner Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize. Wonder if Davey sent the former veep a big-ass case of politically incorrect Chilean sea bass to celebrate! Al loves it so! Even prouder back east was...
Mary McDonnell

Albert L. Ortega/

Mary McDonnell, supporting her daughter, Olivia, on stage. The two-time Oscar-nominated dame hit Brandeis University to catch a performance of Threepenny Opera, in which her daughter appeared. Apparently, O’s inherited her mom’s acting chops. “She was good,” said one impressed audience member of the gal’s performance.
Forgot to tell you all about some celeb mouthings-off back at the Hollywood Life Style Awards. We asked some famous babes just what the ef never goes out of style (besides getting it on on the Internet, natch).
Jaime Pressly

Lisa O'Connor/

“Class,” half-snit-replied Jaime Pressly, the My Name Is Earl babe. Just adore it when southern-born hellraisers make a call for manners! Uh, who remembers those in Hollywood?
Russell Simmons

Kevin Mazur/

“Grace. Sweet, graceful people are always in style,”  Russell Simmons surmised, instantaneously making one wonder if Simmons was not so subtly dissin' his flamboyant ex.
Brett Ratner

Glenn Weiner/

“Hermès,” replied  Brett Ratner, serial dater of often runway-wannabe women. Boyfriend, we dunno, that answer's really more Serena Williams than you, isn’t it?
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