Britney Spears arrives but too late to open LAX nightclub in Vegas...and what's with the disappearing acts she keeps pulling? Plus, she cozies up to Criss Angel, while we get up close and personal with readers in the Awful mailbag!
Britney Spears

Courtesy LAX

Britney Spears made good on her hosting duties for the grand opening of LAX Friday night...barely. First of all, she didn't show until way after the red carpet hubbub had faded. In the meantime, peeps like Dave Navarro, Nicky Hilton, Wilmer Valderrama and Criss Angel hit the carpet. Although Criss was mum on Brit's rumored VMA performance, he did dish on how the girl is faring these days.

"Britney's doing great," he told us. "I think she's going to do an amazing job. I think she's an incredibly talented, smart young lady who's going to do a wonderful job in anything she does. I'm supporting her."

Finally around midnight, when the weaved woman of the hour appeared in long blond extensions, a white trapeze dress and white hat, she dashed down the carpet, ignoring all the press peeps who'd patiently waiting and barely stopping to pose for photos.

"Her contract says she has to do the red carpet," dished one insider, who estimated she raked in $350,000 for her appearance. "But it doesn't say how long she has to stay on it for."

Criss Angel

Jamie McCarthy/

Once inside, Brit settled in at her table, which was right next to Criss', and promptly put on her sunglasses, even though it was dark inside the packed venue. She took the mike for literally a minute to halfheartedly greet clubgoers. Despite the fact that DJ AM was blasting her new comeback attempt, "Gimme More," girlfriend wasn't even dancing. And then, after about 10 minutes, she disappeared.

Everyone thought Brit had ditched completely. But about an hour later, she suddenly reappeared back at her table in a much better mood. The gonzo gal was drinking mimosas, laughing, dancing and actually looked happy to be there. Wherever she went while MIA, it definitely put some pep in her step.

She perked up even more when her Angel joined her. The two über-eyeballed hons were dancing and whispering together, all cozy and couple-esque. Criss even took off one of his necklaces and put it on Brit-Brit, before the two of them left together.

Kevin Federline

Chris Weeks/

Parental P.S.: Is K-Fed using one ex-wife to spy on the other? His other baby mama, Shar Jackson, was also at LAX that night, and even reportedly dished with Britney, though she skipped the carpet and pics.

Hey, just because Ted's away on holiday doesn't mean the mail stops pouring in here at Desk Awful. You readers kept our in-box stuffed all week long with your rants and raves, so we're not gonna hold out and make you wait a whole extra day for answers. Awful intern Virginia Ta and I took it upon ourselves to answer your burning Q's. Take a look!


Brad Pitt, Pax

Dear Ted:
Do the Pitt kids go to school? Every day they are photographed in a new city. They are weirder than TomKat.
  Boca Raton, Florida
Dear Jolie-Pitt Patrol:
Of course they go to school—they're just in different countries and cities every few weeks. And while there's something to be said for stability, the Jolie-Pitt tykes are way worldly and well traveled.
Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile been uncovered yet? My money's on Wentworth Miller.
  Bridgewater, New Jersey
Dear Don't Bet on It:
Went's not our boy, babe. He's almost as cute as Toothy, though.
Justin Timberlake

Jesse Grant/

Dear Ted:
Could Mercurial Manfred possibly be Justin Timberlake? He does seem to have a rather larger-than-life opinion of himself these days. Oh Ted, say it ain't so!
Dear Croonin' Cutie:
J.T. may have an inflated-ass ego as of late, but he isn't the dollar-desperate Mercurial Manfred from One Off-Key Blind Vice.
Jessica Biel

Alexandra Wyman/

Dear Ted:
Where did you get your info on the San Diego poker tourney that Jessica Biel hosted? You were misinformed. I saw her on TV last night talking about her hosting duties and her charity!
  The Valley
Dear Valley View:
Meant that Jess didn't do any print press, hon.
Dear Ted:
Please tell me that Mercurial Manfred is none other than Barry Manilow. Okay, if not, how about Kevin Spacey?
  San Antonio, Texas
Dear Musical Missive:
Good guesses, doll, but no to both. M.M.'s not far from Barry's age bracket, though.
Dear Ted:
I am thinking Harkness Hose from One Power-Penetrated Blind Vice is probably Adrian What's-His-Face, who is hanging with Paris Hilton at the moment.
  Plano, Texas
Dear Hose Handler:
Mr. Grenier may (or may not) be packin', but he's not the backdoor boy in our Blind. Think lesser known, though just as recently visible.
Angelina Jolie, Maddox, Shiloh

Dear Ted:
Why are Angelina & Brad seen out with all of their children except Shiloh? They appear to be doing fun excursions with the older three all the time, but poor Shiloh is never included. When Maddox and Zahara were Shiloh's age, they were taken everywhere by their parents. What's the deal? Angie has no love for her biological baby? Only the adopted ones? What about Brad? All of the children should be treated equally.
  Exeter, New Hampshire
Dear Sour Pitts:
Shiloh is still a baby who spends half her day sleeping. She can't be expected to schlep all over the city, like the other three do, without needing a nap!
Jenna Jameson

Jerome Ware/

Dear Ted:
I've seen reports that Jenna Jameson wants Scarlett Johansson to portray her in a biopic. What about Jaime Pressly? They look a lot alike!
  Hattiesburg, Mississippi
Dear Porno Puss:
I agree. While Scar has said she's not interested in the role, J.P. also seems like she'd be a little more game.
Dear Ted:
I think Toothy Tile is Mark Ruffalo. He's married, and he's worked with some pretty big names doing romantic comedies, yet you really never hear about his private life.
  San Diego
Dear Mouthy Maven:
'Fraid not, sweetie. Think even more boy next door.
Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Dear Ted:
Wild stab in the musical dark for Mercurial Manfred: Nathan Lane.
  Austin, Texas
Dear Way Off Broadway:
Nope. Think less flamboyant.
Dear Ted:
Was Brangelina's helicopter a hybrid? Good ol' Brad is such an environmentalist, I'm sure it was. Gotta love it that he's taking his time building green houses for people who are without a home but forgetting the green when it's his time—that is so important. Another case of "Do as I say and not as I do."
  Hot Dry South, Georgia
Dear Green Grappler:
Doncha just love celeb hypocrisy?
Owen Wilson

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile equals Owen Wilson? Just asking.
Dear Missing Tooth:
Not quite, darling. Def less comedic 'n' of a slightly younger set.
Dear Ted:
Could Mercurial Manfred be Oscar winner and ultimate party boy Jamie Foxx?
  Los Angeles
Dear Unpredictable:
Good guess. Though M2's way older than Jamie, he's just as horny, from what we hear.
Dear Ted:
A few weeks ago, Bono and Penélope Cruz were photographed holding hands at a resort, and people were wondering how his wife would take it. Do you think Bono screwed the pooch on this one?
  Federal Way, Washington
Dear Doggie Diddler:
What, can't friends hold hands anymore?

Michael Caulfield/

Dear Ted:
Could Manny be Prince? One of my friends went to his concert a few years ago and she said he seemed way too into himself.
  San Mateo, California
Dear Prince Pointer:
Seems to make sense, as Prince does perform at some fab parties, but he's not M2.
President Bush


Dear Ted:
I do love your column, and you, but I have to confess that when I write it's mostly to nitpick (and you are either mum or very sweet in response, so smart of you!). So, today's nitpick is the fish comment in regard to pregnant women. Avoiding fish when pregnant is a myth. The real story is that fish oil aids brain development, and the relatively small risk of possibly consuming trace amounts of toxic metal with the fish is negligible compared to the benefits. Seriously, even if you aren't a breeder yourself, you should want to promote brain development in the United States. Just imagine what the world would be like had Barbara eaten more fish while pregnant with Dubya?
  Reykjavik, Iceland
Dear Fish Fan:
Thanks for settin' us straight, sweetie. But honestly, we don't think there's enough sashimi in the world that coulda made Bush grow a brain.
Bono, Oprah Winfrey

Tasos Katopodis/

Dear Ted:
Although I'm as ecstatic as the next American to bring down a celebrity from royal status, I think someone needs to defend Oprah for a second. She's at work, she's doing her job. It's not her job to befriend every guest she has on the show. It's got to take an awful lot to impress someone who's met everyone! There's no excuse for not showing common courtesy, but to hold it against her for not chatting up every single guest is the same as holding it against you for not responding to the many questions I've sent in before. I think it's time to look at the other side of the story.
Dear Gayle King:
All we're saying is that she should save a little bit of her charm and niceness for when the cameras stop rolling. Manners haven't gone out of style, have they?
Dear Ted:
Mercurial Manfred has got to be Clay Aiken! Right?
  Bakersfield, California
Dear Idol Time:
Sending a big-ass bill after a show sounds like something Clay could do, but he's way too young to be M.M.
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