Time to put on those thinking caps and ponder what par-tick activity Derek Jeter and John Mayer have a penchant for doing in their downtime. Plus, brace yourselves, babydolls, 'cause my all-too acrimonious answers to your burning Q’s are piping hot and ready to read!
John Mayer, Derek Jeter

James Devaney/WireImage.com, Marc Bryan-Brown/WireImage.com

Before we hit the mouthy mailbag, I've got a little guessing game for you all to play. I've recently found out that John Mayer, soulful musician and current man-candy to Jessica Simpson, has something in common with Derek Jeter, Yankees baseballer who was once linked to Vanessa Minnillo.

And no, this common interest has nothing to do with dating Nick Lachey's gals. (Or maybe it does, a little bit, come to think of it?)

Nick Lachey

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

It also isn't the geographic factoid that they both reside in InWhySee and are known to be friendly with fans.

This info, which I've surreptitiously come across, involving both slightly doable dudes, has more to do with something they both prefer doing behind closed doors.

(And I don't mean other men, you pesky E! legal eagles.)

Now, I know you readers are just dripping with anticipation for the answer, so send me your best guesses, already! Along with a dry towel, please.

Britney Spears

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Leave Britney alone. She is someone's daughter, sister, etc. She has a breaking point.
  Faby

Dear Fab-Not:
By "etc.," did you also mean mother? Let's not forget if Britney had acted like most mothers do—i.e., spending more time with her kids instead of partying her panty-less ass off—she would not be under such harsh criticism for her major whacked-out lifestyle.

Eddie Murphy

Tony Barson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I read that Eddie Murphy left the Oscars after losing the Best Supporting Actor. Is it true? You're the only gossip guru I trust! 
  Rachel
  Port Elizabeth, South Africa

Dear Trust You Must:
Don't fret, my pet—I will always tell ya like it is. And yes—it's true! Can you believe it? I can (and I actually broke this boo-hoo news). 'Course, he later denied bouncing over a bruised ego...Whatev.

Ted Casablanca, Anderson Cooper

E! Networks , Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Loved you on CNN's Chasing Angelina. It's amazing what the photogs do to get that money shot. It was great to see you on the old tube once again. Maybe Anderson Cooper can give you the hookup with CNN?
  Cali
  Imperial, California

Dear Color Me Cooper:
Thanks for the shout-out, doll-cakes. But wouldn't all my gray hair be redundant over at Anderson's boob-tube pad? 

Isaiah Washington

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Give it up with Isaiah Washington. No one wants to hear about him as long as you continue to downplay Paris Hilton and her vulgar comments. Shame on you.
  Linda
  Whiting, Indiana

Dear Livid Linda:
I put in my piece on both, so stop shamin' people like its goin' outta style, ka-peesh?

Men In Trees, Anne Heche

ABC/Jeff Petry

Dear Ted:
What is up with the lesbian switcheroos, à la Anne Heche, Angelina Jolie and your latest, Bore-Tense Breathy (from Two Cheeky Chicky Blind Vices)? We never see a gay man suddenly decide he likes women—picking up a wife and then popping out some kids with her!
  Haley
  Pittsburgh

Dear Twist and Shame:
Hey, you never know here in Hollywood. Maybe Lance Bass will make Britney his bride next!

Christian Bale

STEPH/Visual/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
I was watching The Top 100 Sexiest Stars—and it's nice to see you on TV again! Who else but you would describe Christian Bale as so "eff-ing eff-able." How does The Ted Casablanca Show sound?
  Aoife
  Dublin, Ireland

Dear Irish Eyes Are Smirking:
The show sounds te-riff, dollface. But do ya think any network has the cojones not to bleep out my potty mouth?

Drew Barrymore

Dan Herrick/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I must confess that I usually find your blinds hard to figure out, but in Two Cheeky Chicky Blind Vices you couldn't have been more obvious. Crystal Chipper can be no one but Drew Barrymore. I confess that I have doubted her "rehabilitation" for years. You don't have an addiction like that and have a Cosmo here and there. Thanks for giving me one I could figure out!
  Pamela
  Winter Haven, Florida

Dear Down on Drew:
Not even close, babe. Think way less in the spotlight and a li'l more Toothy.

Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio

Jean-Marc Haedrich/Visual/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Martin
won! And so did The Departed! I'm overjoyed! But I gotta say, when is Leo going to get his turn? And Kate Winslet, too? Is there a Titanic curse on them, or something?
  Rachel
  Port Elizabeth, South Africa

Dear Cursed 'n' Cute:
This perfectly coiffed pair could def have some sort of plague on their careers or somethin', but it hasn't stopped Mr. L and Kit-Kat from churnin' up hit after hit. Their time will come. In 300 years, but it will come. 

Lauren Conrad

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I have to say that I like Lauren Conrad. Yes, she's another pretty, blond, cookie-cutter celebrity, but she seems more down-to-earth than the rest of her bleached, rehabbed, publicity-whoring, head-shaving counterparts. She seems nice, and at least she doesn't make me want to stab myself in the eye with a chopstick.
  Karen
  New York

Dear Karen Cares:
Awww. Aren't you nice? I actually had the pleasure of meetin' Ms. Cee and must relay that she was most sweet, indeed. It's her big B of a friend, Heidi Montag, that I'm watchin' out for. Hear she's even got herself a goon-guard now! How sassy! And why even bother when she's got that big, scary Spencer-dude to protect her? C'mon, this is The Hills we're talking about, not The Surreal Life!

Fergie

Denise Truscello/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
My guess for Crystal Chipper is the "Fergalicious" Stacy Ferguson—could it be that snorting blow is how she "works on her fitness"? For Bore-Tense Breathy, I'm gonna go with Sophia Bush—her name says it all, plus she's just gotta be bitter toward men after that heinous dumping from her skeevy ex, Chad Michael Murray.
  T.T.
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Tryin' Too Hard:
Fergie does have a hot bod, doesn't she? However, you are wrong on both counts. Very wrong and very off—except for C.M.M. being skeevy, with which I totally agree.

Dear Ted:
You were a bit rude to someone last week. Now, I know they were rude first, but I think you should control your temper and reply to rude comments in a nice, calm 'n' cool way. This way it'll annoy them more, too.
  Rani
  Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates

Dear Rude Dude:
Or are you a gal? Either way, I'll try to be nicer, but sometimes the PMS-ing bitch in me just rears its ugly head, ka-peesh? 

Beyonce

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
For some reason, it irritates me that Beyoncé keeps referring to herself as a "musician." Does she even play an instrument? She's a singer! It also bugs me when actors refer to their "craft." Only in Hollywood.
  Susan
  Houston

Dear Booty Hater:
Next thing we know, she'll be callin' herself a doctor or a lawyer! Jeesh! Beyoncé overload, anyone?

Natasha Lyonne

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Head Bitch in Charge here! I want to take a shot at the Two Blind Cheeky Chickies: Crystal Chipper—Natasha Lyonne; Bore-Tense Breathy—Mischa Barton.
  Tony
  Elmhurst, New York

Dear HBIC—Take Two:
I admire your audacity for givin' it another go, but when it comes to your guess, I have to say you hardly live up to your copycat moniker. Think far more famous on the latter, a tad less on the former.

Dear Ted:
I watch General Hospital on occasion and happened to catch it today. I hit pause, then rewind. It was you! You looked great!
  Felicia
  Santa Clarita, California

Dear Fifi:
Thanks, dollface! How was my hair?

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