Mel Gibson

209/Most Wanted/ZUMA Press

Reader mail today (don't worry, no more public-poll sex tawk--this week), but first, want to get to a few TedBits, like the fact that more than a few celebs are talking about how outta control...

Mel Gibson's mouth was before his arrest for drunken driving (misogyny and racism shoulda been added to the charges, but I guess you can't skin and/or declaw a fat cat entirely when you'd like to). For ince, just ask one of the notorious Jew-and-fagola finger pointer's Malibu nabes what she heard Mr. G. utter shortly before his arrest. She was most shocked, as were those to whom she repeated the hateful words. Ms. Movie Star, up for telling the world--not just random few--what it was Gibson said? Dare ya! Perhaps a similar challenge was had by slinky...

Sharon Stone

Frederic Injimbert/

Sharon Stone at last week's annual Macy's Passport fashion show and fundraiser in Santa Monica. Where S2 has always been, in years past, on top of her come-hither money-siphoning game--usually Basic Instinct-eque in something that makes her look decades younger--has typically brought the crowd to their checkbook gauging knees, this year, not so much so. Stone's ebony Gucci was slit clear up to her ass in the back. A horrified...

Mr. Blackwell, seated in front of me, turned to yours truly and said with a sneer, "That's slutty." I replied, "Yeah, but slut sells." And sure enough, Sharon-hon sold oodles (the event raised over a million bucks), but she just didn't seem as playful as in years prior. Has she finally had enough with channeling Catherine Tramell? Hope so! Share-babe, I know there's an actress hiding in there somewhere beneath your butt cheeks and bikini job. Waxing on all things charitable 'n' sparkly at Macy's was...

Brooke Shields

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Brooke Shields, who--instead of lambasting Tom Cruise, as we all want her to (for his ridiculous statements about women)--decided to go after the cause, as well as fellow AIDS activist...

Liz Taylor's jewels, by which L.T. did not seem to be amused. The unpredictable legend and recluse was far more interested in telling young people to quit screwing around without a condom (like, friggin' hello!), and I'm tellin' ya, when a cranky old broad like Taylor makes the most sense at a T-town event, well then, you can perhaps understand my reaction when I asked West Winger...

Jimmy Smits

Glenn Weiner/

Jimmy Smits some stupid-ass question about what fashion item he'd absolutely never done. The handsome dude (who also walked the Macy's runway as main gal Wanda De Jesus cooed) answered, "an ascot." Gripping my arm for emphasis, J.S. screamed, "Dude, what about those biceps you've got!" Gee, thanks, Jimbo, but watch it, ya stud. Keep up that touchy-feely s--t, and next thing ya know, people will be saying you're Toothy Tile.

Roseanne Barr

Jeff Vespa/

Dear Ted:
I know she's not the answer to One Porn-Addicted Blind Vice, but I did have a funny run-in with Roseanne when she was renting porn at Tower video in NYC in 1989/1990. I was renting a video myself and, basically, nobody else was in the store but Roseanne. She had just taped Letterman, and she and Tom Arnold were heading back to their hotel room, and I asked if she had enough movies (since there was more than one), and she jokingly (but also slightly surprised that I opened my mouth to comment) said to me, "Aren't you fresh?" and fake slapped me across the face and told us all to watch her on Letterman. I thought to myself, What a funny tabloid headline it would make: Roseanne Slaps Face of Uppity Customer While Renting Porn!
  New York City

Dear Voyeur Vamp:
Gosh, can't a gal buy her smut in peace? Just jokin'. Like you said, Roseanne ain't Mona Streamline. Think far more classy 'n' accomplished.

Dear Ted:
Can you please drop your negativity when it comes to Tom Cruise? I used to come to your Website every day, but the last few months you have been a real jerk to him--please give him a break.

Dear All the Right Moans:
Oh please, everyone knows I'm Tommy's biggest and (one of the few remaining) fans these days! But I'll stop raggin' on him when he stops acting like such a putz and starts acting in meaty projects à la Magnolia and Collateral again. Deal?

Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Dear Ted:
Could Traceless Turncoat from One Badass-Babe Blind Vice be Meredith Vieira? 'Cause Matt Lauer sure seems like a Dorky Dingleberry!

Dear Detective Doofus:
If you think Matt looks like a dork, you clearly haven't seen the shirtless pics of him cavorting at the beach. He's never looked better, babe! And Traceless ain't Meredith, who's one of the few genuine gals in this bitchy biz. Think younger, far cheekier.

Dear Ted:
Rolled on the floor laughing at Brad Pitt's announcement that he and Angelina Jolie won't get married until everyone can. Even though the cause may be good, it just so totally smacks of "So, she said no?" Besides, he should be more original: Charlize and Stuart--been there and done that.
  Shari Greenlee
  Boise, Idaho

Dear Carpet Crack-Up:
Good one! I think Brad should have said he's waiting for her to ask him, don't you think? Seems much more apropos for their rebel sitch somehow.

Renee Zellweger

Daniele Venturelli/

Dear Ted:
Please tell me that Renée Z. knows that she can do better than the wavy-lipped George Clooney! She appears to be a likeable person, while he has the temperament of an annoying eight-year-old and seems to believe that the rest of us are actually interested in his opinion. Oh, and Oscar or no Oscar, the man cannot act. His best performance to date was the masked scenes in Batman. Don't do it, Renée!

Dear Hottie Hater:
What are you smoking? Something Whitney threw away ages ago? I for one am interested in George's opinion, among other things. And I beg to differ on the acting bit too. Have you seen Good Night, and Good Luck for gawd's sake?

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile and his b-f were the only Hollywood couple to interest me since Bogie and Bacall. It's sad to hear they're off, at the moment. Can you give us better news of Crisp Lisp and his guy, by way of comfort?
  Barbara K.
  New York

Dear Romantic Fart:
What boyfriend? Not even straight people are loyal in this horny badass-ville.

Lara Spencer

Dan Herrick

Dear Ted:
Traceless Turncoat must be Lara Spencer of The Insider. She certainly looks like a Jim Henson creation. And that means Dorky Dingleberry is Pat O'Brien. Am I right?

Dear Myopic Muppet:
Nice try, but Traceless and Dorky don't work at The Insider. T.T. wishes!

Dear Ted:
Is Renée Zellweger the new Penélope Cruz?

Dear Pairvoyant:
Ya think? Why? Yeah, you just may be right...

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Dear Ted:
Who are you calling a dumbass? I think it is great that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise might be getting married over the weekend, but that doesn't make me a dumbass. I also think you are wrong, once again, about the wedding, but you have been wrong about a lot of things lately.

Dear Benz There, Dissed That:
I included myself in the group I called "dumbasses," doll, so deflate that air bag, already. And for the record, it's gossip, not news.

Dear Ted:
Thank you for your article about Lindsay and Dina Lohan. I've come to the conclusion that both of them belong in a zoo. Methinks it's Harry who's sick of the paps and Lindsay's protests are with him in mind.
  Anne Lamborn
  San Francisco

Dear Dr. Lamborn:
You forgot to say in which section, exactly, Lindsay & Co. belong. Pachyderm or reptiles?

Perry Tyler

Eric Charbonneau/

Dear Ted:
Have a quick correction about the Perry Taylor item. Some Industry boob referred to him as "dumb as a box of rocks"--sorry, but the kid went to the Naval Academy. You can say what you want about the military, but the people that attend our service academies are amongst the brightest in the country. Guess we have to consider the source, eh? Is there anyone in the entertainment industry with an IQ over 100?
  Victoria Smith
  Annapolis Brunette

Dear Schooling Snob:
Even the worst candidates sometimes slip their way into top-notch schools--everybody knows this, duh. I got a fellowship to grad school, for heaven's sake! And just look at Dubya! Now, I know it's tough to get into the Academy, but it was even tougher for poor Perry to stay in.

Dear Ted:
I was delighted to read your column for the first time this morning. Ahhh, how refreshing to read a real opinion and not some star ass-kissing syrup. And I totally agree with you about Jen's little publicity boo-hoo. If she hadn't wanted Brad to leave, she would have fought a little harder to keep her man. All her boo-hooing just sits a little too pathetic to me.
  Traci Machado
  Tulare, California

Dear Angelina:
I had no idea you read the column, love!

Nicollette Sheridan

Gregg DeGuire/

Dear Ted:
Just guessing: Is Mona Streamline from One Porn-Addicted Blind Vice Nicollette Sheridan?

Dear Desperate Guesser:
Now, that would just a little too obvious, like the fact that Jessica Simpson is starting to channel Anna Nicole instead of the Marilyn I dare say she desires. Regardless, think far more big screen, dear.

Dear Ted:
All right, I just had to fawn at you for a minute, but really, the purpose of this email is also that I want to put in a good word for Cristina Gibson. I thought her columns while you were away were great. I mean, she's no you, but she was very good. Funny, snarky, in keeping with your style but with her own voice. Give the girl a raise. (But don't ever leave us again!)

Dear Cris Cheerleader:
What a coinky-dink that you should suggest that. I actually did give her a bonus! Ain't she grand?

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