The prez prepares for another possible split with the first wife-unit, while Paula Abdul channels her inner's pretty hairy, too, you gotta check it out. Plus, Rosie's content while surfin' the love boat—or so it seems. Hey, everybody's supercrafty today, babes!

James Franco

Vera Anderson/

Upcoming and past smoldering issues include: the anticipated somewhat high-larious flick Pineapple Express. Caught an anatomically spoofing screening here in T-town. Judd Apatow, who produced Knocked Up and Superbad, teamed up again with Seth Rogen in this flick that's essentially about the perils of smoking the funny know, that crap I and a heap of other folks think should be legalized already. RogAtow are clearly a fresher version of the Wilson/Stiller terror team, but I don’t think the film was quite as funny as their big ones prior. It’s def entertaining with some amusing-as-hell one-liners (the one about God's vagina is my par-tick fave), but it just dragged a tad except my delish surprise, humpo hunk of a dealer James Franco who, without question, was the one holding it all down on screen, much the same way...

Laura Bush

Remi Ochlik/Maxppp/

Laura Bush keeps that idiot she’s married to in line, so blab my sources inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who insist L.B. has no plans, thus far, to legally ditch her warmongering hubby, dammit. Kinda was hoping that stint when L moved out of the White House might have knocked some see-the-light sense into the broad, but no. However, for a socially finagling gal, L’s decision has been sound. Hear from deep inside Desk DeeCee that L.B. plans on residing in Dallas once she leaves Washington (as has been discussed previously, certainly by this columnist), most likely in posh-ass Highland Park—more on those deets later.

President Bush


But here’s the smart part: Dubya will remain almost entirely on their Crawford ranch, far away from the wife-unit, supposedly while he works on his memoirs, “or whatever it is he’ll do there,” sassed Desk D. Drink, maybe? Whatever. The president will not be in Dallas, along with his spouse, I am assured by those who are paid to protect, in so many ways, these tax-paid cretins. I still say divorce is a far better form of separation from someone who’s been so hideous—and that’s just to his friggin’ constituency—but Laura’s no avaricious, position-addicted dummy. She’s simply perf for H.P., my old hometown! Not exactly anxious to get rid of her spousal royal gig, either, I imagine would be...

Rosie O'Donnell, Kelli Carpenter

Ron Galella/

Rosie O’Donnell’s wife, Kelli Carpenter. Despite those pesky de-mance rumors, looks like all may be well between the two hon-pies—or so it seems. A passenger on board the Norwegian Dawn cruise ship, which plays host to a gay and lesbian travel company associated with ROD, saw the couple together and said “they all seemed pretty happy, actually.” Their oldest kid, Parker, was working on the big boat of same-sex fun, and he, too, appeared to be in festive spirits, we’re assured. Howev, must admit, a first mate on the ship snit-noted that he saw more of Kellie and the kiddies than of Rosie. “She would get mobbed when she left the cabin.” Whatev. Just hope the gal duo aren’t simply putting up a Ben and Jen type front—although a family vacay seems more legit than a staged double date at Nobu.

Kate Walsh

James Devaney/

More dish from the Much Love charity event at the Playboy Mansion I’m sure you might be interested in: badass beauty Kate Walsh was at the puppy powwow, also. It was while at this same event last year that I chatted with her former costar, Sara Ramirez, fresh from Kate’s engagement party. So how has life changed for the Private Practice star? “Everything’s different” Kay spilled. “It’s great, you know, new marriage, new job...I was working with the Obama campaign, so a lot has been going on. It’s been a very exciting time.” How does this newlywed balance work and home? “It’s always hard when you work late, long hours and stuff...but we manage. I think there’s sort of a myth in this country that we need to balance things."

Since we have all of these fab-boo animal rescue organizations out the wazoo, I asked Kate which people do we need to save, already? K started laughing and fessed, “Maybe we should rescue George Bush.” Kay-hon, a little unsure about what she could say on tape, continued to joke after our chat to her friend, playfully going on about how someone could adopt him, give him a home, a bath, some education. No need to be shy Kate-doll; we couldn’t agree more. Only trouble would be finding a family up to the challenge.

Paula Abdul

AP Photo Chris Pizzello

The last “celeb” to walk up to the mansion—or in her case drift—was Paula Abdul. The ultimate Valley gal showed up, like, totally out of it—her voice very monotone in an overly relaxed kinda way. Indeed, when we were chatting like BFF Cathys, she felt so comfortable to even pick up her ringing cell phone to talk with someone from Extra. P.A. chatted with him for a while, swaying back and forth a little bit with each word, each emphasis, she delivered. It was like watching a teetering kewpie doll that was stashed with too many pharmaceuticals. But that’s just an analogy, not an observation, you snitty E! legal department, so relax.

Simon Cowell

A. Rapoport/FOX

When Abdul was finally done with her convo, I asked her some grueling questions—like if she could be any animal, what would she be and why. P said, “I would want to be my animals. I want to be my animals when I come back.” Uh, come back from where Paula? She continued, “They have the best gig in town. They just get love, love, love.” I couldn’t resist getting Pee’s take on who in Hollywood needs saving, and she was very quick to say, “rescue Simon Cowell please. Then put him through obedience school. OK?”

Sure, we’ll get right on that.

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