Why the hell isn't Paris Hilton guzzling these days? Hmmm, got a burning question in the oven or somethin', babe? Plus, Madonna insiders help explain (kindasorta) why the hell bro Christopher sold out, and is Garfleck expecting again? Shocking queries all!

Since Tobey Maguire has been such a queenly douche butt, we're foregoing the standard Monday ayem Pissed List and devoting a whole capsulized version to Spidey himself. Here's why: T.M. got quite pissy himself last week while leaving Madeo in WeHo. Seems the pap's flashes were meddling with the diminutive dude's action-hero powers as he was leaving the restaurant, so he therefore dropped ef bombs left ‘n' right while yelling quite aggressively to his archenemies. Such duplicitous behavior. First off, if you choose to be famous, just get friggin' used to being followed by cameras. Or at least take some meditation classes so we don't have to hear your bitching. And secondly, don't go to stalkarazzi hangs if you don't feel like being captured. Sheesh.

“She’s not drinking. It’s the first time I’ve never seen her do that.”

Paris Hilton, Benji Madden

AP Photo, Steve Parsons, PA

Above source is a firsthand, regular and up close observer of Paris Hilton and her horniness, hotness and sometimes tankedlicious goings on. Said insider’s been posing and preening right alongside Ms. H at a few recent T-town soirees. Gosh, is this the new, freshly domesticated Mrs.-Madden-to-be Paris or Paris the teetotalist, perhaps (for whatever reason)? Or, to get very National Enquirer about it (as if there were any diff here at A.T., I mean, really), could this possibly be the new preggers Paris? Just a pregnant pause, or hunch, that’s all, babes. See, when the regularly guzzling heiress suddenly cleans up her vodka-happy act, hon-pies, somethin’s up. Fer sure.

Also want to know what the ef’s up with Christopher Ciccone, already. Why the hell did he sell out? M adored him, and she helped him through numerous businesses. So had to ask a New Yorker who’s veddy close to both Chris and his far more established sis, Madge Ciccone Penn Ritchie: Whuh happened? Why the hell did he write the sellout tome?

Christopher Ciccone

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Why’d he do the book,?” asked the Ciccone insider, rhetorically. "For lots of  money. I haven't read it, but so far it doesn't sound very interesting. All crap I've heard before.”

 

Well, all you need to sell these days is about two and a half copies of a book and they slam that merde on myriad “Best Seller” lists. The name alone will get it up there, fer sure—C.C.'s publishers knew the sec he was given a book deal. That’s not the point.

Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise

Kathy Hutchins/ZumaPress.com

That happens to be more along the lines of what went down between Tom and Nicole, exactly. Only difference being we’ll discover the cause of the former long before the latter.

 

Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck

Scott Weiner/ZUMA Press

Hear this one, kiddos? The new news on the Garner-Affleck fam status? Rumor is Jennifer's pregnant with a baby destined to be twice as adorable as Violet. Sweet news, if we still believed Jen and Ben had any luck of remaining Mr. and Mrs. for much longer. Think the preg mumblings are just a way to shoo away breakup rumors, or is Jenny expecting another offspring in hopes of making her marriage even stronger, ya know, the way kids always do?

Spawning for a second time seems to be the nail in the marital coffin for some celeb couples. A-Rod and Cynthia had their second child just last April, less than three months before the Madonna crap hit the fan. We doubt A.R. and his wife’s woes began in the last few weeks—this was a long time coming. Jayden James, unforch, was no saving grace for the marriage of Brit-Brit and K-Fed, and Ryan and Reese were enjoying holy perfect matrimony, or so they wanted us to think, until their divorce after having li'l Deacon. Bearing more babies doesn’t fix a crumbling relaysh, and having a second child just doubles your chances of saying goodbye for good, espesh if it's born into a family with bad vibes all around. All we’re sayin’ is, if you’re having a hard time with your hubbie or your wife, stay on the pill until it’s all figured out.

Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson

INFphoto.com

And as long as we’re being utter bitch freaks here, let’s keep on: How do you prove your new celeb romance is getting serious? Start being seen in places other than all your regular Hell-Ay haunts, for a start. (In close second place is getting knocked up...works wonders to speed up your relaysh.) Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong hit up Tahoe recently to tee off at a celeb amateur golf tourney, which puts athletes and celebs alongside one another for 18 holes. This golf fame is just another way for Lancey-pants to avoid riding a bike ever again. Anyone know the last time the dude’s been seen cycling? Has he locked up his bike for good and prepared to move onto bigger and better things? Things bigger and better than famous babes, merchandise and endorsement deals...how about political office?

Ashley Olsen

Dan Herrick/KPA-ZUMAPress.com

Few years back, L.A. hinted he had his eyes set on running for governor of Texas, the way friendo Georgie Bush Jr. did back in the day. Gotta wonder what these two puzzling pals chitchat about, besides running for government positions they’re unqualified for. At least the two Texans have more in common than L.A. did with alleged brief bedfellow Ashley Olsen (a bed babe L so denies, by the by). Could Lance-hon influence society beyond just leaking yellow wristbands into trendy fashion? Nothing looks better to voters than an underdog who overcame obstacles for a good cause. Also helps to be linked with a likeable, popular, pretty face complete with his 'n' her kiddies.

Michael Jordan

Brian Spurlock/ZUMA Press

Lance’s attempts at politics and the game of golf are on par (forgive us for the pun) with another famous face at the Tahoe tourney: Michael Jordan, who got tired of being the NBA’s hottest player and tried his hand at minor league baseball. Surprise, the talents didn’t transfer over too well.

Jessica Simpson

James Devaney/WireImage.com

In addition to Katie H. following her Armstrong amour around like a hypnotized puppy, also playing second in command to her man was Jessica Simpson. The star, who wasn’t stumbling around outside a bar for what seems like the first time in ages, was spotted out on the town in Tahoe with b-f Tony Romo, who also slung back some golf clubs at the tourney. We hope for Simpson’s sake onlookers were far nicer to her than Texas football fans were while she screamed for her man from the stands. Cyclists and footballers and actresses and whatever it is Jessica Simpson does nowadays...where’s Tiger Woods when ya need him? At least Tig is smart enough to stick to what he does best: hocking Nike products.

Wilmer Valderrama

Barry King/WireImage.com

Wilmer Valderrama, kicking in Ef-Hell-Ay at the Blue Door at the Delano for din din. Wilmy boy ordered some drinks, natch, and a chef’s selection of two appetizers and three entrées for his party of nine, none of which were Ashton, Topher or anybody else who used to hang with W.V. back in his heyday. Still, we’re sure Valdy was the one to pick up the tab at the end of the night. In another party city across the country...

Tyrese Gibson

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Tyrese, making his own fun at Tao in Sin City on Saturday night. The muscular model hand selected a few lucky, luscious ladies to join him and DJ Berrie in the DJ booth for some dirty dancing, Vegas style. We hear Ty-Ty came out on top, and not just during his naughty nighttime dance with those dolls. Also coming back from a long weekend were...

Courteney Cox Arquette, David Arquette

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Courteney Cox and David Arquette, at the Continental baggage claim at LAX. The still-cute couple looked a bit weary, but still fab—have they ever not? Maybe a last minute vacay before Court’s cameo on Scrubs? Courty opted for a casual look with flip flops, rolled up jeans and a blue pullover unzipped with a tee underneath. A very toned ‘n’ tan Dave showed off his buff bod in a white button-down shirt, sporting a new buzz hairdo. Onlookers say the two were acting like lovebirds, even after all those years of marriage. Even when C went to the loo, D greeted the car service, grabbing C2 a coffee upon her return. How chivalrous! I’m not even going to puke!

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