Is über-quickie goddess Rachael Ray mixing up a special batch of bitchiness? Smells accurate to moi! Plus, Madonna's man knows best how to finagle the press, quite unlike the rest of T-town terribles these days. Ready to get catty 'n' covert?

Rachael Ray

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Too funny, I'm told Rachael Ray's working on a memoir, did you know? Now, we're not talking about the silly recipe book she has coming out called My Big Orange Skin, or Book, or Whatever* she's calling it. Nope, this is basically how Ms. R got to be the supremely popular—yet widely and, oddly, hated—mega pot stirrer she currently is. I mean, aren't you just dying to know how the former candy sales clerk went from a simple peppermint patty to a giant sucker in seconds flat? I know I'm not.

 

But I'm hardly the ideal demo R2's going after, must admit. I mean, Martha Stewart only became interesting to moi when Cybill Shepherd played her in a bad TV movie and the icy honey got sent to the slammer. That beats scrumptious canapés any day, darlin's. So until Rachael actually gets caught bitch-slapping somebody (and I don't just mean verbally, dears), I, most likely, will not be picking up a copy of EVOhno, which, I kid you not, is what Ms. R—according to New Yawk know-it-alls—is currently battling her publisher to call the stupid thing.

Martha Stewart, Paw Paw

TheMarthaBlog.com

EVOhMy is Rach-hon's second choice, as I'm told by publishing sources closer to the sitch than cellulite to that woman's thighs. Additionally, press-types complain: "[Ray] is really difficult to work with and misses deadlines." Yum ouch! Waiting to hear back from R.R.'s reppers on those sourpuss accusations.

 

Clearly, it's going to be a best seller. I can see it all now. So why doesn't the cookin' broad just go ahead and call it EVgOF--kYourself is what I want to know.

Either that or the pure and simple Strained, eh?

*Full, correct title is as follows: Rachael Ray's Big Orange Book: Her Favorite All-New 30-Minute Meals, Veggie Meals, Holiday Menus, Dinners-for-One, Kosher Meals, Rollover Menus, and Much, Much More! And people give me poop for the long-winded silliness I pen? Folks, if the title's this verbose, how the hell is anybody going to get through the damn thing?

Sunshine Tutt, Chris Kattan

Marianna Day Massey/ZUMAPress.com

Celebs are supposed to start trends, not pick 'em up from all the simpletons out there. But now that celeb-folk have looked toward their laptops to blog to their hearts' content, we gotta speak up. SNL alum Chris Kattan found enough time during his friggin' wedding day to blog about his nuptials—seriously, C.K., you're supposed to be so caught up enjoying the happiest day of your life, you should be too damn busy to eat your cake, not to mention find the time to eblab about all of it.

 

We may get our kicks diving headfirst into the personal lives of the rich 'n' fab (and feh), but we still prefer a little air of mystery with our movie stars. Without the aid of a rep, celebs usually say too much, and none of 'em are masters of the English language, so to speak. Let's just say all those on-set tutors never covered computer skills.

Madonna, Guy Ritchie

Jason Kempin/WireImage.com

There are tons more ways for famous folk to get across their agenda than blogging, babes. Take it from Guy Ritchie, whose using his mum as a mouthpiece. Lady Amber Leighton (how elegant an English name is that?) had all her feathers so ruffled by this breakup biz between Madonna and her man that she simply had to speak to the press about it on her son's behalf.

"We all know that being together can be hard sometimes and marriages are not always a bed of roses," said A.L. "They are not getting divorced. The speculation is...total tosh." That's BS, for all you non-Brit-sters. Does Rich-hon really need his mommie dearest to fight his battles for him? Can't G.R. control any of the women in his life? We bet even 11-year-old Lourdes has a handle on him.

Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer

John Parra/WireImage.com

Other celebs leave their parents alone and pick up a man to speak for them. For example, Jen Aniston is using baddie-toy John Mayer to show the world she's still sexually viable (Vaughn didn't work out very well last time). Jen-babe's gotta do all she can to win back audiences more than happy to pay the equivalent to a first born in movie prices to see Angelina tattooed and tearin' up the town in Wanted this past weekend.

 

Jenny followed Johnny on the European leg of his tour, ya know, just like ex Jessica Simpson did with J.M. during his travels Down Undah. Will these ladies never learn from the mistakes of May-babe's past flings? It's not like they know nary a thing about his past—it's all over the friggin' goss rags. Easier than google-stalking your guy, which we know everyone does even before date No. 1.

Jessica Simpson

WireImage

So what happens when stars open up their own damn mouths? It's usually some unarticulated, unnecessary merde they have no authority on. Some Sharon Stone-type stupid stuff.

 

Pamela Anderson recently called Jess Simpson "a bitch and a whore" for wearing a T-shirt declaring "Real Girls Eat Meat." "I actually don't know if she was talking about food or men," said Pam-hon on Aussie radio.

 

We can see why former Romo romancer Carrie Underwood would take offense at the vegetarian swipe, but what's Pammy got to do with it? P.A.'s a PETA spokesperson and an outspoken animal lover, but that doesn't excuse some ouch-inducing insults hurled at the gal who's already got enough problems in her career to worry about. We'd call this a catfight, but Pammy-Pie would prolly call us a bitch and a whore for involving kitties in this immature mess.

 

By the by, below are some simply fab messaging points sent out by celebs recently, and the only buttons that got pushed in the process were by those who read them:

Robin Williams

T-Shirt Talks: Robbie showed off a black T with a graphic of a bleeding heart, a day after announcing his divorce.

What He's Trying to Say: I'm funny, but I feel.

Britney Spears

FAME PICTURES

Britney Spears

T-Shirt Talks: While pregged up with Sean Preston, Britney donned a bright blue tank that read "I've Got the Golden Ticket" with an arrow pointing down.

What She's Trying to Say: I borrowed this from Kevin.

Naomi Campbell

T-Shirt Talks: Nay-babe wore a shirt with "Naomi Hit Me" on the front, followed by "And I Loved It" written on the back.

What She's Trying to Say: Anger management ain't gonna work.

Lionel Richie, Nicole Richie

Kevin Parry/WireImage.com

Lionel Richie

T-Shirt Talks: Black tee with one word: "Hello."

What He's Trying to Say: All the "Team Nicole" shirts were sold out at Kitson.

Winona Ryder

T-Shirt Talks: W.R. wore a "Free Winona" tee on the cover of W magazine following her department store debacle.

What She's Trying to Say: I have a sense of humor, not to mention entitlement.

Eva Longoria

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Eva Longoria-Parker

T-Shirt Talks: A breezy tee declaring "I Want More Privacy".

What She's Trying to Say: Ask me for an autograph, please.

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