The bitch is back, and no, I don't mean me. It's all of you! All you nasty-mouthed heathens get your say in the mail bag today—plus, not everything is as it seems (quelle surprise) in Simpson love land, and La Vida Lindsay keeps us guessin' as much as her libation contents these days.
Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo

Jeff Vespa/, Mike Kline/ZUMA KPA

"Very much a couple?!” screamed my Texan, big-haired source when I read to her People's account/apology/spin on the not-so-newsy news that pro stud and pigskin wrangler Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are still, um, together. “Total bulls--t.” Really? "Why?" I pressed. Tell us nasty heathens more! “Firstly, they never really were a couple-couple,” added the Big D insider. “It was always something [father Joe Simpson] wanted more than either of them did. I think Tony’s just helping her through all the [Ashlee] wedding stuff, to save face and all.”
Don’t know about that. Saving embarrassed puss as Jess ex John Mayer is off gallivanting with professional margarita drinker Jennifer Aniston would be more like it. What Jess-babe really requires in this boo-hoo sitch is a Pete Wentz, i.e., somebody she picks, not daddy. Readers, any thoughts here?
Jonas Brothers

Eugene Gologursky/

I vote for one of the Jonas bros. And quit laughing—or calling the cops. It’s perf! And they don’t have to actually do anything, you know. (Jess is sometimes quite used to that.)
Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

ANG/Fame Picture

Lindsay Lohan and her possessive roommate, traveling companion and supposed sponsor Samantha Ronson (who’s apparently slacking on the job) have another stamp in their passports. The inseparable pair's been pounding the streets of Paris, taking in all the sites and sounds of gay Paris. Staying at the Plaza Athénée in a three-thousand-American-bucks-a-night suite. Guess LiLo’s way overestimating the success of her leggings line—we woulda recommended the two-bunks-in-a-hostel route. Think a room that costs that much has one king-size bed or two?
SamRom, ‘course, is getting the ooh là là from French fans at a late-night discotheque while her travel bud is feasting all over something, we’re certain. Sam’s neck, perhaps? ‘Cause, natch, S.R. was seen sporting a hickey, ya know. First of all, a hickey? Seriously, Sam? You’re 30, not some 13-year-old trying to impress her pals in the locker room. What’s French for “really lame"? Secondly, who shows off a hickey unless they want it to be seen? They do sell scarves in France, babe. Ya know what else they got in the City of Love? Paparazzi. It’s not like ya didn’t know there’d be gazing eyes and rumors aflame once ya walked out of your hotel with a fresh bite mark on your neck...Unless you wanted it to get noticed—kinda like the time you parked at a well-lit gas station with a passed-out Linds in the passenger seat, the perfect locale for all the photogs on your tail to get a shot.
When are celebs like L2 and Brit (with her new BFF Mel) gonna wake up and realize they’re just bein’ given the ol’ PR screw, despite how good—or well-intended—it may feel?
Miley Cyrus

Gregg DeGuire/

Dear Ted:
Please tell us your family approves of your wedding! As for the Miley fiasco, I think a lot of people are crapping on her when it's really her buck-grabbing daddy who needs a spanking. She's a silly kid, but he's supposed to be mature.
  Nashville, Tenn.
Dear Parental Control:
As for my fam, some do, some don’t, whatev. On Miley: Don’t think her pops was the one telling her to strip down for the VF shoot. But I def agree. The parents need to take some responsibility (and I don’t mean the incorporated kind) for their 15-year-old girl or else we’re gonna wind up with another Lindsay or Brit-Brit. Where’s the mom in all this, anyway?
Becky Bain
Dear Ted:
Becky, you were awesome!
  Milford, Conn. 
Dear Loyal Reader:
Becky’s great, not to mention a total pissy peach for handling the column while I was getting hitched.
David Archuleta


Dear Ted:
For David Archuletta on American Idol: Are you single?
  Bombay, India 
Dear Demented:
Just try and get past the dad. Ain’t happening. That nut’s better than iron panties.
Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press, Dan Herrick-KPA/Dan Herrick/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Thanks to Becky for holding things up while you honeymooned. I want to know what's going on with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. They both complain about the media attention and then make sure they're photographed together. Are they using us for attention like Mimi, Ashley and Scarlett, or are they falling into lust?
  Glassboro, N.J.
Dear Skeptic:
Always knew the Jersey broads were the smartest, as your first hunch is most certainly correct.
Dear Ted:
Why don't you have a reality show about real girls juggling school, work, boys and life? My girlfriends and I are young, beautiful, fun, cultured, down-to-earth and just living and enjoying life. Please contact me for more info, bios and pics.
  Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.
Dear Whacked:
Cultured? On television? Are you on crack? It would turn into The Hills, just in Florida.
Gerard Butler

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Maybe when you get home from your honeymoon, you'll be mellow enough to leave Gerard Butler alone. He is gorgeous and funny. Lame lines? I know plenty of women who would get in line to spend time with him. We are real women, not Hollywood plastic dolls. And we know a joke when we hear one.
  Des Moines, Iowa
Dear PS You’re Horny:
Perhaps you’re just wishin’ you were on the receiving end of those lines? Can’t say I blame ya, but I’m not getting the feeling he was “just joking.”
Michelle Rodriguez

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
Is Fanny Fecal-Farmer from One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice Michelle Rodriguez? She bases her career on action-type films, and she's famous for being with Kristanna Loken.
  Richmond, Va.
Dear Lost:
Uh, no. Fanny’s not quite that well-known yet. But trust, she will be. Particularly with all the Animal Farm crap she’s pulling at home.
Dear Ted:
For about a year I've been waiting to hear the dirt on Ted and Jon's wedding, and now. Nothing!
  Milford, Conn.
Dear Curious Cutie:
Soon, babes, soon. We’re still waiting to get our friggin’ pics from the photographer. Does that make me a Newlywedzilla?
Tom Cruise

Lalo Yasky/

Dear Ted:
Those two days on Oprah reminded me why I love Tom Cruise. I'm sure that was the whole point, and it was well planned, but I thought he was vulnerable and honest when he answered questions, and he seemed like a normal guy. Count me back on the T.C. bandwagon.
  Tahoe, Calif.
Dear Cruise Controlled:
God, you’re easy.
Katherine Heigl

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA

Dear Ted:
Congrats on the nuptials! I wish you many years of wedded bliss. I have to guess...Vadge Fly-Trap from One Girlie, Gonzo Blind Vice is Katherine Heigl, isn't it?
  Iowa City, Iowa
Dear Knocked Silly:
Nope, but such a deliciously good guess. Think older, less blond, but just as bitchy.
Julia Roberts

Dan Herrick/

Dear Ted:
Regarding Vadge Fly-Trap, you know whose image first popped into my Canadian head? No, not Ms. Moose, it was that not so pretty, yet very annoying man-eater: Julia Roberts. Please tell me if I'm warm.
Dear Wrong Pretty Woman:
You aren't, you cold-hearted wench! And since when does doing to men what they’ve done to women for centuries make you a carnivore in the boudoir? Men are congratulated for that merde. You’ve got the right wealth 'hood, though, but rather off on the age range.
Charlie Sheen

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
Is Dangling Wrangler  from One Return-to-Debauched Blind Vice Charlie Sheen?
  Sacramento, Calif.
Dear It’s Not So Complicated:
Hardly. Not even Charlie would pull something so stupidola as going after his current honey’s kid.  
Paula Abdul

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
Sorry, just have to ask. Is Paula Abdul the next Heath Ledger, or does she have better minders?
  Farmington, N.H.
Dear H'wood Concerned:
I can’t dignify that with an answer, because it would devalue Heath’s talent to put him in the same sentence as whack-job Paula.  
Paris Hilton, Benji Madden

Chris Weeks/

Dear Ted:
I'm not a Paris hater, but are you buying this Paris and Benji hookup? Even though Benji "loves" Paris, something tells me she just "likes" him and doesn't see herself with him for the rest of her life. It's like I'm hearing this voice saying she’s doing this just to get her name and face in the mags and to make Nicole jealous. Do you feel the same way?
Dear “Romance” Realist:
Paris falls for a new guy about as fast as Brit drives through for her burritos. Let’s let her live in her few months of bliss and see how long it takes for engagement numero dos to get underway. 
Justin Timberlake

Axel/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Why does J.T. continue to sing/talk/bash Brit? Do you think he is still in love with her or just really bitter?
  Apex, N.C.  
Dear Puppy Love:
Don’t ef with J.T. He clearly is a dude who can hold a grudge. The fact that he won’t let go obviously means there’s something there he wants to hold on to.  
Joss Stone

Lester Cohen/

Dear Ted:
Normally I believe everything you say. Maybe not wise, but that's the way it is. However, you messed up with your Joss Stone comments. She is not a novice. She's been around for several years and is good enough for Marva Staples, James Brown, Rod Stewart and other major stars to duet with. Also, she's way more talented than Janet Jackson ever was.
  Ann Arbor, Mich.
Dear Mama Stone:
It isn’t necessarily her music I mention...Let’s just say she’s got quite the rep here in T-town. She’s exactly the kinda girl I adore...but one you want your son to stay far, far away from. 
Rebecca Romijn

Donato Sardella/

Dear Ted:
Vadge Fly-Trap is Rebecca Romijn! She's done the X-Men movies and is now on Ugly Betty. There are a lot of rumors about her being a closet girl-lover. Tell me I got one right.
  San Francisco
Dear Model Sleuth:
Did John Stamos put you up to this? Regardless, ain’t her—not by a long brunet shot. 
Billy Bob Thornton

Ferdaus Shamim/

Dear Ted:
Your One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice about Butch Spit-Spat and his underage son "dating" the older woman came out in TMZ. Butch is Billy Bob Thornton; poor kid is his son. Awesome reporting—you beat the authorities by a month. Hopefully, the LAPD will subscribe to your site!
  Greensboro, N.C. 
 Dear Goss Gal:
Now, if  only TMZ could help all of you reveal that pesky Toothy Tile
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