It's barely legal (heterosexual, for a damn change) nooky time in Friday’s Blind Vice! And is Heather Locklear really suicidal? Find out what she has to say about it all. Plus, Britney Spears may not know it, but girl’s got te-riff career plans comin’ up, and which one of Tom Cruise’s exes is not trembling in the wake of smut-meister Andrew Morton?
Heather Locklear

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

“I am fine. I would never do anything to hurt my daughter.”

—So fesses Heather Locklear, reported potential suicide victim, as warned by Locklear’s 911-calling shrink. More supposedly suicidal gab in Monday’s column (including Heather’s hi-effing-larious thoughts on Pam Anderson). But for now, wanted you all to know Ms. L's bitchin’ fine, even if she did have to suffer through having sex with David Spade, our editorializing, not hers. And as long as we’re on telephone chats of an urgent nature, did you know Nicole Kidman’s press rep was urgently called back to home base, right smack in the middle of her vacation? Considering those poor paparazzi (yes, I actually said that) just got smacked themselves—reportedly by some of Nic's more nutso goon-guards—I'd say that repper has a hell-hole of bloodied crap to clean up. This is far, far worse than that Cindy Adams Oscar nonsense Camp Kidman had to contend with a while back. You okay, Nic? I'd sure be quaking in my cross-trainers, too, if I were you. Now, onto the gal—forget Heather L.—who's gonna friggin' make us do ourselves in watching her pitiful grasping 25/7:

Britney Spears, Break the Ice Music Video

Jive Records

Britney Spears’ newest music video for her third single, “Break the Ice,” features a lanky, toned cartoon that is reportedly an animated version of Brit, though we see absolutely no resemblance. Peg, the fierce cocker spaniel from Lady and the Tramp, looks more like Spears than this anime-appearing character. And this Brit 2.0 looks more alive than the current one we’ve got (espesh in those creepy blue contacts she insists on wearing, shudder).

This is the best plan B her label could have asked for, trust. See, they obviously couldn’t get B.S. to almost not die—or do sitcom appearances, same diff—long enough to learn dance moves for the new vid, or head over to a professional hairdresser and not a wholesale Halloween store to find a proper wig. Smart move, music execs. They’ve learned to plan ahead. For the next single, how about Claymation? Worked for Jason and the Argonauts.

How I Met Your Mother, Neil  Patrick Harris

Cliff Lipson/CBS

Maybe Brit-Brit’s too busy to cameo in her own damn video since she’s appearing live, in person elsewhere. Natch, B-babe scored herself a guest spot on CBS’ How I Met Your Mother, which is now officially the smartest sitcom on television.

Now that the “Doogie Howser’s Gay?!” brouhaha has quieted down, how else is a show supposed to secure ratings? Clever scripts and captivating stories? Not likely! Par-tick when celebs can be called up to come on by, a tactic that overplayed its welcome on Will & Grace, on which our dear Spearsy also guested.

But why even bother giving Brit a character to play? The writers don’t even have to bother penning dialogue. Just have the cast form an arc around her, and wait. Within five minutes she’s bound to fall over or foam at the mouth or give birth.

This is just the first stop on the Britney Jean Spears comeback train, everyone climb aboard. Woo woo! So here’s our very own Sick-Sick Six list for Ms. S’ future stunts/guest stints. How's about B guesting on...

Rosie O'Donnell

Hal Horowitz/WireImage.com

1. Nip/Tuck? If Rosie O'Donnell can have a sex scene written for her on that show, the possibilities are endless what they could do with batty Brit.
David Hernandez, American Idol Seaon 7

FOX

2. B-girl could get a nice push back into households by mentoring on American Idol. I would adore hearing David Archuleta belting "Baby, One More Time" or David Hernandez swinging his sweet self around a stripper pole during "Gimme More." (That is, if he hadn't already been given the boot way too early. Just lost your biggest scandal, Idol, how friggin’stupidola and homophobic can you get? What's with keeping totally lame-ass country horror wrecks on instead of D.H.?) But anyway, why just mentor for B.S.? Come contract time, don’t blame us if Paula should be kicked out of the Randy-Simon sandwich and B.S. should fill in the crazy, whacked-out void.
Britney Spears, Sean Preston

INFGoff.com

3. Give the girl her own E! reality show à la Dina Lohan and Denise Richards. She’d actually come off as a good mother, many would say, we predict (totally partially, ‘course).

 

Candis Cayne

ABC / SCOTT GARFIELD

4. Britters hasn’t done any onscreen drama yet—intentionally, at least. She would be more convincing as Candis Cayne’s former transsexual boyfriend on Dirty Sexy Money than she was as a virginal good girl in Crossroads. Up for the challenge, babe?
Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible
5. Why just limit herself on the tube? Britney could fill in the evil villain role opposite Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 4. Actually, cartoon Britney would prolly be more suited for this.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenixa

Warner Bros. Entertainment

6. And finally, there’s always a slew of Harry Potter movies left...I’ve never read a single word of the series (I know, I’m a horrible, uncultured human being), but there’s gotta be an open casting call for a crazy, hairless witch in one of those flicks, n'est-ce pas?

Beastie Boys

Johnny Nunez/WireImage.com

Beastie Boys were slurpin' up some supper at Social Miami at the Sagamore Hotel. The rowdy rappers kept it chill while celebrating the B-day of one of their entourage. The boys mostly stuck to plain ol' agua, with a few glasses of classy white wine thrown in—these are the same guys who once had to fight for their right to party? Fight harder, fellas. The so-called hoedown chomped on chef's selections of seafood and steaks, capping the night off with some delish chocolate cake, complete with candles. Looks like the band needs a name change, since it seems these guys are no longer beasts or boys, trust. Also rockin' it in Ef-Hell-Ay was...

Sean "Diddy" Combs

Tony Barson/WireImage.com

Diddy (or is it P. Diddy? Puff Daddy? Sean Combs? I give up), breaking a sweat doing cardio for about an hour at South Beach's Equinox. I'm surprised the music mogul's even got an hour to spare in his skedge for exercise. He and three bulky bod-goons showed up at the posh gym, without making a single ridiculous request for more privacy for the prince. You sure this was Diddy? Maybe hanging out with actual actor-types (we don't mean Mariah or J.Lo, either) while filming A Raisin in the Sun grounded his big-headed behind back to earth. D-whomever's security hung back at the gym's cafe, keeping an eye on their boss, just in case another workout bunny dared approach the rapper and ask him to spot her. Sporting a barbell’s worth of eyeliner was, no, not Pete Wentz, but...

Nick Stahl

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Nick Stahl, keepin’ it casual at the premiere of Sleepwalking, H'wood. Stahl looked less than stunning in a gray getup of simple tee and suit jacket, but anything would seem unstellar when standing next to costar Charlize Theron. With N.S.’s eyeliner added to his scruffy mug, maybe he was dropping by a midnight showing of Velvet Goldmine after his own flick? Be careful with how much makeup ya use, Nicky, you don’t wanna end up as covered up as the Yellow Bastard you played in Sin City, nuh-uh. Desperate, too, was...

Corey Feldman

Phil Han/ZUMApress.com

Corey Feldman (sans Corey Haim, sadly), at the Sleepwalking premiere in Hell-Ay, too. Core-babe wore ill-fitting black jeans and an atrociously unfab gray suit jacket that looked like it was pulled straight from the laundry basket. C.F. didn’t drink the whole night, good boy, but he looked mighty pissed off—was he thinking about the ultradepressing movie, or his career? Less gruff and more buff was...

Anderson Cooper

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Anderson Cooper, working out at New Yawk’s David Barton Gym twice a day (looks like reporting the news can wait). He’s givin’ all the eyes of the gals and guys a supreme workout, starin’ hard while he works up a cable-ready sweat!  But Andy Coop isn’t known to labor on his legs, which look like two skinny white straws (mine, too) compared to the remainder of his right-on bod. The silver fox spent only five minutes on the Precor elliptical machine, then wandered off...Beware the men’s locker room, A.C., those dudes ain’t exactly known for keepin’ clean.

Blind Vice: Version 2

E! Networks/Comcast Entertainment Group

For this week’s One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice, take your bestest gander at which supposedly snitty ‘n’ classy movie gal is a totally easy score, if you just give her fancy enough trappings when you try to bed her. Busybody guessers, take your mark...
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